Cabin Fever Treatment
We know it has been a long hard winter. It just seems that the Pennsylvania groundhog took extra delight in predicting more cold weather.
So with that in mind, The Lake Lila Golf and Country Club staff have returned early for this weekend's open house and membership push.
"We usually have the hospitality staff on layoff until March first, but we've called them all back early," said the restaurant manager Doreen Fanielli.
Bobby Joe Burrass, the Director of Golf, indicates that the pro shop is fully stocked and will have all six of his assistants available to showcase the new equipment.
"We also have all of last year's clubs, shoes apparel and balls marked down by 5%," he noted.
"We know people want to get out of the house right now and just thought that having a free 'dogs & suds' mixer was the right thing to do," offered General Manager Glenn Zickenfoos.
"Doreen will also have the full menu options available in the dining room if hot dogs and beer aren't to your liking," added Zickenfoos.
Online membership applications and requirements can be found at: www.llgcc.hack
Today Is Very Important
Again, this year, we in the fresnOnion newsroom want to stress the importance of today.
March 7th is National Cereal Day.
Jen Murphy, proprietor of Murphy's Mart out at the intersection, says she has some very fun and appropriate cards to give a loved one.
"I think the best one this year says, Fiber is your friend for life and another has a picture of a bowl of bran flakes and inside simply says: A Leader in Movement."
Cereal, suitable at any time of the day.
Words For Sport
The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club has decided that this month they will offer "replacement" words instead of "reintroduction" words for your consideration.
"So many times while participating or observing sport, we use bad, vulgar, or unacceptable words," said Wilomena Levengood, Club Advisor.
"With spring comes golf, baseball and basketball tournaments. And that's when the expletives are at their greatest usage," Levengood continued.
Her club suggests using:
Dang it
Darn it
Dadgum
Gosh
Golly
Jeezmus Krauts
What the flip?
Geez
Geez 'N Rice
Shucks
Shatner
But the best was uttered by the literary giant, Frank Zappa, after breaking a window with an awful golf shot: Great googley moogley.
Super Bowl Report, Day of...
We know, we know, we're not allowed to say Super Bowl, but that's just for advertising, we hope, so sue us.
What a day, what a game.
Pete and Clete (yes the portly one) Sweeney have been in NoLa and filing their observations with the news desk at the fresnOnion.
Pete's Scribbles:
Taylor Swift was booed by some Eagle Fans. When asked why, "we don't have anyone pretty rooting for us."
Travis Kelce's body language says 'retirement'
Andy Reid should use suspenders
The timeouts are much too long
Clete's Scribbles:
The hotel brunch was outstanding
Not enough taxis or Ubers in NoLa, had to walk the block to the dome.
Ran out of Tums
Watched the second half on the big screen at Rick's Cabaret.
Editors Note: We received word from the SuperDome security that Clete hip-checked a female Eagle fan who was wearing a much too tight Tim Rossovich jersey, after she booed Taylor Swift.
After much shouting and finger pointing, she did give Clete her number and they will go on a 'reconciliatory date' Monday evening.
The (love?) Story Continues
You will recall that we reported the Clete Sweeney incident during the game when he hip-checked a female Eagle fan who was booing Taylor Swift.
That resulted in a date. That date turned into a "meet my family" day on Tuesday.
Clete and the lady traveled to Centralia, Pennsylvania, the least populated municipality in Pennsylvania, with a population of five in 2020. It's located in Columbia County and is part of the Bloomsburg–Berwick metropolitan area. The family lives a mile out of town.
While wishing to remain anonymous, she did permit us to publish a picture of her children.
We wish Clete the best and hope he has an exit strategy.
Oh, The Shark Babe
Bobby Darrin sang about it. Most of us can sing a few lyrics. But the fact is shark bites were down last year.
A recent report by the remarkably professional Katie Hunt at CNN indicates that the unprovoked attacks were down to just 47 in 2024. That's a decrease of 22 and way below the average of 70. And nobody knows why.
Until now.
The ichthyology students at Strasburg State University want to publish their findings.
They have determined that our diet and deodorant have made us undesirable.
"The combination of garlic and Old Spice seem to have created a, heretofore unknown, shark retardant," said Professor Bo "Mack" Randall.
So now we have joined the punchline to the old question: Why don't sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny......
editors note: Katie Hunt has a BA in Modern Chinese Studies from Leeds University, and really good penmanship (penwomanship? personship?).
Boat Show
The very popular, annual, Walhonding Jon Boat Show is slated to begin this Thursday.
The Walhonding Business Incubator space will be the site.
"The old sawmill and lumber center is the perfect space. We have indoor and outdoor display capabilities," says Incubator interim managing director, Dawnelle DiFrancesca.
Every shape, size and style of jon boat will be on location. Crestliner, G3, Lund, and Lowe have all committed to the show.
A vintage 1952 wooden MacGregor Persimmon Jon Boat will be the grand door prize. You do need to know that it does require a little restoration.
The 4 day event is again
sponsored by Ace and Betty Fry,
proprietors of Fry's Flies & Pies.
Ace ties flies, and Betty makes pies.
Replacement Eggs
Yes, eggs are still on our minds here in the fresnOnion newsroom.
What with the price well over $5 per dozen, many are concerned about the Easter Egg hunting socials.
"I can't afford to buy eggs just for decorating this year," said local mom Lucille.
Howie Brownlee, the Owner, CEO, President, Treasurer and Secretary of Brownlee's Timber and Wood Products, has started to address that problem.
"What I've done is instruct the design and engineering department to retool some mothballed lathes and routers," he said.
The first 10,000 wooden eggs of all sizes have been turned out for retail sales.
"We have taken the scraps and created another niche product that can be bought in our gift store or at any place that sells craft supplies," Brownlee offered. "And our prices will beat any Off-the-wall Mart."
A couple of additional notes on the subject: Francis O'Toole's offer to discount his unsold potatoes for "Easter Tater" hunting was rejected.
And Flo's Diner says that her annual Egg Salad Sandwich specials will be off the board this year.
Alignment (not your tires)
When you hear someone say "the stars aligned" you understand they are talking about good fortune.
Well we here in the newsroom of the fresnOnion wonder what it means when the planets align?
This is the week we find out.
Kerry Breen at CBS news has told us that seven planets are doing just that: lining up.
Dr. Wesley Unsold at The Fresno Planetarium Orrery & Observatory will have the world's strongest telescope available from 10pm to 5am.
"This will be totally awesome and tubular," said Dr. Unsold.
The facility will charge $5 at the front door and Dr. Wes reminds everyone that his place is "smoke free".
Gummies and flasks are permitted and encouraged.
Mr. Breen, an editor for CBS, took a few classes at New York University's Arthur L. Carter School of Journalism, enough for his Masters Degree, and is in charge of the cowbell in a Blue Oyster Cult cover band.
Tense Times
Last night's town council meeting did not go very smoothly.
Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe was on the hot seat all evening.
Trupe had submitted his nephew, Dewey Trupe, for appointment to the position of "Deputy Constable".
Dewey is the legendary right tackle for the local semi-pro football team. He switched from the left side position when the famous left handed quarterback Jim Zorn joined the team.
The town council members all had issues with Dewey's size, he weighs 405 pounds.
"He eats too much", "he is too big", "he can't run down crooks" and "he is not a good image" were just some of the epithets slung at the portly young man.
"I have not gained a pound since my sophomore year of high school," noted Trupe who is now 32.
"I promise to not eat more than five meals a day."
Bo Ling the owner of Bo Ling's All-You-Can-Eat Chinese Buffet told council members that Dewey is banned from his establishment.
"He eat too much. He big boy. I tell him 'you go now'.
"Sometimes it ok to fire customer," declared a defiant Ling.
After numerous attempts to break a 2-2 tie, Dewey withdrew his name from consideration and decided to just keep his job as the Head Chef at Dirty Sal's Pizza Pie and Pasta Emporium.
Sal promised to renovate the kitchen and widen the isles.
The only other item on the evening's agenda was the appropriation of $234,444 for feral cat control.
Headed South
Pete and Clete (the portly one) Sweeney have headed to Florida in Clete's '71 Pinto.
As reported earlier, they are again volunteer workers at The Players Championship.
Their itinerary has them driving all the way to Fort Mill just south of Charlotte on old Rt. 21.
"We plan on staying at Betty's Bed-Breakfast-and Diner," said Clete. Betty does not do lunch.
"Betty makes great pies and always looks forward to feeding Clete," said Pete.
We at the fresnOnion will endeavor to keep you apprised.
PTO Welcomes Famous Duo
The Fresno PTO will feature Calvin and Hobbes tonight at the monthly meeting for parents and teachers.
The pair will speak on the importance of fighting, wrestling, creative thought, independence, language, self esteem, experimentation, boredom, hurtling down hills in sleds and wagons, throwing things, and golf.
Calvin will demonstrate the "transmogrifier". A nominal $5 'courtesy fee' will be collected for parents that want to place their child in one.
The ladies of the church will have a cash bar.
Doors open at 6:30 with the program slated to begin sometime thereafter....8ish or so.
What a Response !
Since the recent word got out that Theo Mantie and The Screendoor Slammers were the opening act this weekend at The Pete Ames Carryout and Concert Hall, the switchboard has blown up.
Earnestine Tomlin is the box office manager.
"We didn't realize there was such a cult following for the 'Slammers'," she said. "People from all over the eastern half of our country want to come to Chili."
The headliners are THRASH and they agreed to add a Sunday matinee, but have to break down the set and move on to Defiance College's Winterfest Concert on Tuesday.
Because of the demand, Theo Mantie used some comp days at work and his group has agreed to play Sunday Night, Monday and Tuesday evening as well. The rest of the band are unemployed.
Because of the complexity of THRASH's 46 piece band and stage set, Sunday's 'Slammer performance will begin as soon as possible. Somewhere between 8:30 and 10 pm.
Ohlinger's Bed and Breakfast is providing the lodging for Theo and the boys.
There is not a hotel room available in the tri county area.
Constable Rollie F. Trupe has called in extra help. He deputized Pete and Big Clete Sweeney.
"We kinda knew we'd be called when the first hippie lookin' VW bus rolled into town," said Pete. "Not profilin' or anything, just sayin'...."
Great Idea
Hot off of the revelation that she uses analog to cleanse and purge some digital affectations, The Rachel Maddow Study has begun at Strasburg State University.
Maddow told Lawrence O'donnell last night that she gets her record player and long playing albums out for just the right treatment.
This morning the Sociology and Psychology Department at SSU released a statement on their intended research.
"Because our world is so digitized and Rachel identified this need, our students have been up all night creating the paradigm for how we will proceed," said Department Chairman Dr. Phillipe deGrommet.
"Not only will the LP be utilized, we will also look at how 8-track tapes of Roger Whiticker music, VHS reruns of Gilligan's Island, writing with a pencil, utilizing a typewriter for letters to be sent through the US Postal System can help one de-digitize their lives," Dr. deGrommet offered.
Dr. deGrommet said that as they fine tune the study, the students will introduce the rotary telephone, a thermometer, rabbit ears for television reception and a Kodak camera to each subject's life.
The research is made possible by a grant from The Amish.
Swanson Gets Hired
About three and half years ago the Fresno Visitor and Convention Bureau disbanded because of the lack of hotel and convention space.
Ever since then the most active committee member, Gloria Swanson, has been sending out resumes.
Those efforts have finally paid off.
The island of Anholt (Denmark) has hired her to create and manage their visitor bureau.
"We were just so impressed with her tireless endeavor to bring attention to Fresno," said search committee chairman Vigo Jensen.
Swanson said in the interview she talked about creating a dog show, a Texas style BBQ cook-off, a world class zoo, and a golf course to the island that is seven miles long and 4 miles wide.
Swanson also indicated that her companion Harold Amos will stay here with their 9 dogs.
And So It Begins
After taking last month to reorganize and set monthly meeting dates, the local government association committee met last evening.
The first order of business ended up being the only item on the agenda, that of deporting all of the cats.
"We have it on good authority that the local townships are sending us their worst, their undesirables, their problematic cats," said chairwoman Heloise Hinton, "especially that town up north."
"This is unprecedented, heartless, cruel and mean," said local feline rescue volunteer Halle Berrymore.
In a compromise move, it was agreed that "only the Toms" will be sent back across the border first.
Supporters of both sides outside the chambers didn't clash, just called each other names.
Tense Times
Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe had to use all of his skills yesterday at Murphy's Mart.
Jennifer Murphy called Trupe to help her with a customer.
According to the blotter, Lowell Hightower walked up to Jennifer and asked for the "free" range eggs.
Jen handed him a dozen and said "that will be $4.99".
Lowell responded that the sign outside said "free" range eggs.
Jenn said no the sign says "free range eggs".
Lowell responded with "yes. free. Why am I being charged $4.99? Not sure what range eggs are but I want the free ones."
This went back and forth for 25 minutes because that was how long it took for Rollie to get dressed, find his keys, and drive the 2 blocks to Murphy's Mart.
After the Constable explained what "free range" meant, Lowell left muttering something about truth in advertising and promising that Jen would hear from his lawyer.
We'll monitor this developing story.
editor's note: since this story broke, many alert readers have contacted the fresnOnion newsroom to remind us that Lowell is the same guy that keeps trying to buy the garages at "garage sales".
Sweeneys Get A New Agreement
For years, Pete and Clete (who's put on a little weight) Sweeney have been volunteers at major PGA events.
We've just been informed that their Volunteer Contracts have been received.
"A few new paragraphs for us to agree to," said Pete, "but not any deal breakers."
For all major tournaments, Pete will drive Scottie Scheffler onto the grounds.
"The PGA does not want a repeat of last year's arrest," said Pete. "So I will pick him up at the hotel and drive him to the bag drop area."
Clete will again be in charge of caddie snacks and clean towels. But, there will be much tighter inventory control protocol for him to sign.
"I guess Clete will have to account for all candy bars and peanut butter crackers," said Pete. "Last year he was out of supplies before the field had finished and the towels had chocolate smears."
Their obligations begin next week at The Players Championship.
The final addendum to their contract said they must leave their clubs at home. The players complained that they were hounded by the Sweeney brothers to play a $2 net nassau after every round.
Drinkin' O The Green
The Fresno Irish-American Club will again hold their annual St. Patrick's Day soiree at the O'Leary Mansion.
Fred and Ethel O'Leary, Max and Erma O'Boy, along with Bud and Tootie O'My will welcome one and all this Monday.
The parade begins at 3 pm. Liam Neeson is the grand marshal.
The party begins at 4 pm. U2 will entertain.
The traditional singing of "Wasn't that a party" will be at 10 pm when everyone is sent home.
Green beer, green schnapps, green snacks and green hats will be provided.
"Last year we welcomed over 900 to the green acres of our beautiful estate," said Fred.
The ladies of the church will park cars.
People Who Look
In our world there are people who look for things. They look underwater, they look to the stars, they look at yard sales.
But the people who dig seem to always be finding good stuff.
CNN's perspicacious writer Mindy Weisberger has uncovered a story about some writing on stones in Denmark.
The runestones that had information carved with a hammer and chisel mentions an important female named Thyra. We think she was the advisor to the Viking's cheerleading squad and controlled all the mead production in Denmark, Norway and Sweden.
Weisberger's latest piece, which should be winning some award somewhere, also mentions how they learned about the runic writer.
The runology department at Strasburg State University has poured over the 3-D images that were emailed to them.
Department Chairman Emilio Swartzentruber says his graduate students have gleaned quite a bit.
"It is our position that this particular runic writer was lefthanded, argued with her husband the day of chiseling and rolled her own cigarettes," said Swartzentruber.
The SSU students were also able to decipher the final line that had been heretofore a puzzle. It says: "sure pray someone invents a pencil, I keep hitting my thumb".
Mindy Weisberger is a science writer, editor and media producer. She does calisthenics once a month and is a spokesperson for Cracker Jacks.
The Word Is Out (accidentally)
Pete Sweeney has never been known to keep a secret.
Well now the fresnOnion newsroom has just had it confirmed that Pete and Clete (who is still putting on weight) Sweeney have been assigned to cover the Red Carpet for tonight's Saturday Night Live 50th Anniversary.
It is all part of the newest Christopher Guest mockumentary "Red Drapes".
"Everyone makes a big deal about the stars' arrival and the long procession into the theatre," says Guest, "but nobody sees the carpet, we see the red drapes or curtains in the background."
Clete says that their assignment is to cover all the people in the background that make events so special.
"So we will be interviewing and profiling the limo drivers, the men who hang the drapes, the teenagers that clean up spills on the red carpet, and really focusing on the ushers," Pete offered.
Once the event begins, they will also be seat fillers. Michael "Kramer" Richards has provided instruction on that important service.
Guest's mockumentary is scheduled for release June 1st on local Cable Channel 80 FZNO.
While interviewing Guest for this article he went into a long dissertation on drapes, admitting that when he was twelve he would drive his mother crazy listing all the types of "drapes".
"Curtains, shades, blinds, screens, louvres, shutters, arrases, shrouds, purdahs, portieres, valances, jalousies...."
We put the phone down....he's probably still talking.
PS: don't ask him about nuts.
Good Start
The Walhonding Jon Boat Show got off to an outstanding start last night.
Doors opened, none too soon, at 5pm at the Walhonding Business Incubator.
The line of jon boat enthusiasts was clear around the corner, all the way to The Campground Diner.
Clete Sweeney (who has put on a little weight) had a slideshow presentation. Every picture included his cat, Kellyanne.
After he cleared the stage, local band Zeke 'N Eddy entertained for those who wanted to dance.
All the big manufacturing names were there. All the big industry influencers were there. All the big local politicians were absent.
"Not enough registered voters for me to attend," said one anonymous (Robert Bare) precinct boss.
The Walhonding Jon Boat Show runs through Sunday. The grand prize drawing of a guided fishing trip with Clete will close the show at 6pm. The MacGregor Persimmon Jon Boat has been removed from the premises, as it is no longer deemed to be salvageable.
note: last year's winner, Trudy Sundheimer, still hasn't scheduled her trip with Clete.
Early Spring
Regardless of what Punxsutawney Phil or Buckeye Chuck says, according to Fresno Freddie, spring is just around the corner.
The oldest and most accurate marmota monax weather prognosticator, Fresno Freddie, did not see his shadow this morning.
This forecast was confirmed as Peas Brooke (Nova Scotia) Pepe emerged in the darkened morning. The groundhog, or siffleux as know among French Canadians in eastern Canada, has the same record as Fresno Freddie.
The only time our groundhog was wrong was in 2021, he had covid.
The early spring means a lot to the local economy. Lawn and garden activities, little league baseball and golf will start soon.
The Sweeney Report
Pete and Clete (who's put on more weight) Sweeney are finally in New Orleans for the Super (we can't use the word).
We can use "Bowl" but not paired with the other word (Super).
Anyway, Clete stood beside Guillermo from the Jimmy Kimmel Show for the press conference. Clete was not forceful enough to get a question answered.
Pete is still recovering from the night before on Bourbon Street where Clete came home with the most beads.
The brothers plan on gathering more information from The Sup%r ^owl today and will file a report late tonight.
Hitting the all-you-can-eat brunch buffet, day drinking with Ron White and golf with Paige Spiranac at The LeRoux Golf and "Social" Club is planned.
Playdates Resume
Fresno Kennels will begin their popular "Playful Pooch" sessions beginning Monday.
"We're not changing a thing, the policies and protocols we have seem to make everyone happy," said Kennel owner Petunia Chubb.
Chubb suspends the "Playful Pooch" sessions between Thanksgiving week and the end of January.
"Not only is that time used for maintenance and repair of the facilities, I can decompress a bit too," laughed Petunia.
The play date schedule is as follows:
Mondays - 2-10 lb. dogs
Tuesdays - 11-25 lb. dogs
Wednesdays - 26 lbs. and over
Thursdays are for those concerned with their pups' self esteem and worried about diversity, equity and inclusion. So if you want your yappy little Yorkie to run with the big dogs, then Thursdays are open sessions. All owners will be required to sign a waiver and indemnification paper.
Fresno Kennels is located over the hill, around the bend and down the lane from Clapboard Cemetery.
The "Playful Pooch" playdate sessions are partially funded by grant from the Tally/Fancy/Lucy/Henry/Desi Foundation.
More information can be found online at: www.dogsonlynocats.bark
Fresno, Oh
"...the hippest village east of Marfa, Tx...."
Lecture Tonight
The Making Life Better lecture series continues tonight with the first of a 3 part series.
The Guv'nors Office of Acceptance will send their main speaker to the Plainfield Civic Hall for tonight's presentation.
Tad Moore will talk about "The Mundane".
"The tedious and tiresome moments in life will be highlighted by examples of dull and boring," says his brochure. Moore's 4 hour disquisition will be bookended by slide shows.
"I guess that I've captured the prosaic and commonplace components of living a vanilla lifestyle," noted Moore. "It happens as we transition from living an exciting existence."
Doors open at 6 pm, lecture begins around 7.
Part 2 titled Am I That Guy? monotonous self awareness will be Wednesday.
Part 3 titled Escaping and Avoiding the Mundane will conclude on Thursday. Note: you must attend the first two evenings and be invited for Part 3. Certificates of Acknowledgement will be awarded at the ceremony.
The ladies of the church will serve large goblets of Franzia Chillable Red. You are also permitted to bring your own thermos.
Matinee Added
March will come in like a lion this year.
The Pete Ames Carry-out and Concert Hall has just announced. that due to popular demand. a Sunday matinee performance has been added to the THRASH schedule.
THRASH is the multi-sensory assault band from Patagonia.
Using the Patagonia to English conversion app, their poster says that they feature a big video screen, vibrating seats, olfactory hallucinations along with the very loud speakers.
Tickets for THRASH were sold out in 90 minutes.
Theo Mantie and The Screendoor Slammers will open. They are the world's only hillbilly jam band that features two wash-tub bass players.
"dem boys done got dees bass' tuned to different sounds so as to not seem da same," says Theo. "one is a stand-up, and dee udder one is played like a fiddle. a big fiddle but you have to set to play it."
Local Cable Channel 80 FZNO will document the Saturday night performance.
News From The Arts
In a stunning and unprecedented move, The Pete Ames Carry-out and Concert Hall in Chili has made a long term entertainment commitment.
Hank Strambleton and The Vapid Pedestrians have been inked to anchor the 2025 concert season at the storied venue.
Strambleton and his backing musicians have recreated The Pat Boone Chevy Showroom as a tribute to the legendary crooner, complete with a big sign.
The variety show format will also feature lookalike and soundalike performances by Andy Williams, Pearl Bailey, Johnny Mathis, and Perry Como to name just a few.
"We've spared no expense this year," said facility manager Marcus Miller. "We want to reward our patrons and guaranteeing that this type of top notch event will return each month is doing just that. We even commissioned a big sign."
Hank Strambleton and The Vapid Pedestrians Pat Boone Tribute will perform each night for the last 14 days of February and each month for a 4 day stint throughout the year.
Strambleton's wife, Hannahbelle, will manage the coat check and gummy counter.
More information on tickets, loge reservations and season memberships can be found at: www.chilibehoppin.trip
Even More News You Are Advised To Disregard
February February February February February February February
Only 4 left
Chef Milton at the famous Tie-Dyed Lotus Resort in Baltic says that he only has room for 4 more tomorrow night.
His popular all-you-can-eat Valentine's Day Buffet sells out every year.
"We can push the tables together or keep them separate for the intimate romantic dinner," says Chef Milton.
The buffet will again feature all the meats, both red and white. All the wines, both red and white. And, all the starches, both white and off-white.
The famous Tie-Dyed Lotus is a 1.5 star resort and also has 2 rooms available Friday night. Saturday's 'Leftover Brunch' is included.
It should also be noted that Chef Milton is again a finalist for the James Beard Award. His "Possum - the other white meat, and always suitable for the deep fryer" was noted in the chef's nomination.
The Sweeney Report, Day 2
The news department of the fresnOnion has sent Pete and Clete (boy has he put on weight) Sweeney to cover the "Big Game".
Clete's scribbles:
Saw Taylor Swift, she wouldn't answer questions
Saw Travis Kelce, he has a menacing stare
Saw Andy Reid he was two fisting Heisler Beers
Going back to Rick's Cabaret again after the S*uper B*owl
Pete's Scribbles:
Had to stop Clete's shouting at Taylor
Had to get between Travis and Clete
Bought shots of Sazarec Rye so we could share boilermakers with Andy
Will be the designated driver again for the afterparty at Rick's
Get Out and Go
Dion and the Belmonts sang about The Wanderer. Roy Buchanan's song, The Wayfaring Pilgrim is a classic.
We've all had a relative or two that loved to hike.
In Australia they call it "a walkabout".
Call it what you will, but it's all just being a "PILGRIM".
And tonight's Live Your Life seminar at the West Bedford General Store's Community Room, Robert Earl from Keene will talk on his life as a pilgrim.
"It's not just wandering down to the post office, or slow walking to get ice cream, or stumbling the wrong way after happy hour," said Earl.
"You have to commit to taking the time to get to your destination," he cautioned.
"You have to commit to ignoring your internal clock," he continued.
Tonight's lecture starts around 7.
The ladies of the church will tap the keg at 6 and hand out Dr. Scholl's foot pads.
Robert Earl will also have his hand-carved walking sticks for sale.
The Wayfaring Strangers, a local Jr. High jazz band, will entertain during happy hour.
Filling A Need
Todd "Big Head" Truman has announced that he is going to be a Hatter.
"Because my head is slightly larger than most, it has always been a hardship getting a hat that fits," said Truman.
"Not only have I had trouble getting a golf hat that fits, I just can't find one large enough to wear when I dress up," he added.
His business will be called ToddHatter and will custom make each piece of headwear.
"I will take on a client and handle everything from measurement to construction," said the big headed one.
This comes on the heals of his primary business, Todd's Long&Tall, custom made blue jeans for the long legged, skinny guy. Nobody else offers 28x52 Levi's.
Todd filled that need out of necessity too. He stands 6'9" and weighs 135 lbs.
Biz News
Steinbuckle's Transportation in Baltic has announced that they are expanding their buggy business.
"Along with an 'uber' like call for a buggy ride, I have entered into an agreement with Berkshire Hathaway, the owners of Netjets," said Charlie Steinbuckle.
"Their company has the forward-thinking leadership, proven business model, and a legacy of operational excellence that should uphold our superior programs and inspire untold possibilities in the buggy rental sector," added Steinbuckle, "at least that's what the interweb says."
"That Berkshire Hathaway company seems successful, so I thought I'd hook up with them on a trial basis," concluded Charlie.
More information can be found on the company's website: www.derbuggy.bumper
Dancing Competition Begins
The first of 3 qualifiers for the National Jitterbug Swing & Jive Championship began last night at the Miller's Dip Grange Hall.
The evening got off to a very nice start as the dance teams warmed up to the house band Sleepy Calloway and his Hootin' Zoots popular original: "Hotcha Mamma".
The second tune, Choo Choo Ch'boogie, was halted midway as Delores DeLuca twisted her ankle.
The third song of the night barely got started as both Glenn and Myrtle Swindermann pulled a hamstring.
The last number of the evening was Jumpin' at the Woodside. This brought out all the moves from the remaining contestants.
Bobbi Jo and Billy Mac Geracci were crowned the evening's winner and will move on to the regionals in two weeks.
"They are the perfect jitterbug couple," said Celebrity Judge Felix Cavalier. "She is so diminutive and he so wonderfully portly that they sync exceptionally."
"Billy Mac provides such a large platform for their 'backroll and glide' move and his low center of gravity is an envious routine," concluded Cavalier during his interview on Cable Channel 80 FZNO.
The evening also set a record for number of EMS calls at eight, mostly for minor injuries. But there was one concussion as lanky JimmieDale Gilroy slipped the grip of Lucy Looper and went down like a cartoon. Some thought it part of their sequence as he tried to right himself for nearly 15 seconds before going down.
Lucy says he'll be alright but JimmieDale will be fitted with a padded hairpiece for the next time.
The ladies of the church served Jägerbombs.
All Are Back
The Tuscarawas Valley/Coshocton Basin Advisory Panel for Turkey Vulture Observation has reported to the Governor that all communities are at full wake.
"The count was finalized this past weekend and we are happy that their migration back home is complete," said Panel chair Ollie Infree.
"As is the history, the Fresno pack was the first in, while the Zoarville family was the last," Infree noted.
With that news, mild spring temperatures are expected within the next 7 days.
Time to til the garden.
Jr. Golf Clinic
The Lake Lila Golf and Country Club has announced that Paige Spiranic will conduct a clinic for youngsters this June.
On Mondays she will instruct the 8-12 year old girls. This age group for boys will be on Tuesdays.
Wednesday sessions are for the 13-17 year old girls.
There are no openings for the 13-17 year old boys as this class sold out in eight minutes.
Bobby Joe Burrass, The Director of Golf, says he is really looking forward to watching Paige.
Glenn Zickenfoos, General Manager, said he's had a lot of dads calling to offer their assistance.
Intern Fired
Maybelle Hanratty, who lives in the old Almat Mansion at the end of Almat cul-de-sac says some recent home improvements went wrong.
"I like to get these things done in the winter months, so I was having the ballroom ceiling redone," explained Maybelle.
"I hired the usually reliable Archie Linklighter, but he had a young guy helping that was supposed to hang the ceiling drywall."
Archie admitted that the young man did not follow instructions and used a nail gun instead of drywall screws.
"I shoulda been there, but went to the winter golf show in Columbus instead," admitted Arch.
Every 4x8 sheet - all 200 of them - fell during the night.
Linklighter Drywall Co. is looking for help today. Message him on his MyFaceSpace page.