Cabin Fever Treatment
We know it has been a long hard winter. It just seems that the Pennsylvania groundhog took extra delight in predicting more cold weather.
So with that in mind, The Lake Lila Golf and Country Club staff have returned early for this weekend's open house and membership push.
"We usually have the hospitality staff on layoff until March first, but we've called them all back early," said the restaurant manager Doreen Fanielli.
Bobby Joe Burrass, the Director of Golf, indicates that the pro shop is fully stocked and will have all six of his assistants available to showcase the new equipment.
"We also have all of last year's clubs, shoes apparel and balls marked down by 5%," he noted.
"We know people want to get out of the house right now and just thought that having a free 'dogs & suds' mixer was the right thing to do," offered General Manager Glenn Zickenfoos.
"Doreen will also have the full menu options available in the dining room if hot dogs and beer aren't to your liking," added Zickenfoos.
Online membership applications and requirements can be found at: www.llgcc.hack
Today Is Very Important
Again, this year, we in the fresnOnion newsroom want to stress the importance of today.
March 7th is National Cereal Day.
Jen Murphy, proprietor of Murphy's Mart out at the intersection, says she has some very fun and appropriate cards to give a loved one.
"I think the best one this year says, Fiber is your friend for life and another has a picture of a bowl of bran flakes and inside simply says: A Leader in Movement."
Cereal, suitable at any time of the day.
Words For Sport
The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club has decided that this month they will offer "replacement" words instead of "reintroduction" words for your consideration.
"So many times while participating or observing sport, we use bad, vulgar, or unacceptable words," said Wilomena Levengood, Club Advisor.
"With spring comes golf, baseball and basketball tournaments. And that's when the expletives are at their greatest usage," Levengood continued.
Her club suggests using:
Dang it
Darn it
Dadgum
Gosh
Golly
Jeezmus Krauts
What the flip?
Geez
Geez 'N Rice
Shucks
Shatner
But the best was uttered by the literary giant, Frank Zappa, after breaking a window with an awful golf shot: Great googley moogley.
Bracket News
"This is the most exciting time of the year for our neighborhood," said neighbor Nanny Mae.
The matriarch of the town is referring to March Madness.
The Sweeney Family Bracket Challenge has 164 entrants this year at $250 per entry.
Last year's winner Mose Allison missed one already, "I just didn't see McNeese State doing that."
Cousin Eddie Sweeney got all correct on the first official day.
Pete missed every pick.
"They say you've got to get the upsets if you're gonna win," explained Pete.
Locals To Race
You will recall that in Journalism 101 you learned that 'dog bites man' was not a story. But when 'man bites dog' that is a story.
While the Iditarod is a story, the better story is the Doratidi race. And that starts next weekend.
This unique race, now in it's tenth year, features the mushers pulling his dogs on a sled.
Each sled must have at least four dogs and a total weight of not less than 100 lbs.
Emilio Nakkanachkknee will again be entered with his Huskies: Bub,Bob, Boob and Edna.
"We've trained exceptionally hard this year, at least a half hour a day," said Emilio. "I had to get Boob a little bigger, he'd lost some weight over the summer, but other than that we're ready to go."
The Doratidi will be shown start to finish on ESPN 7 and local cable channel 80, FZNO.
Her Dream Comes True
Ever since she was 13 we've enjoyed the beautiful voice of local singer Kay Sera.
When we first heard her with Rev. Porter Cable at the First Church of The Righteous Brethren & Sisterhood, we knew that Kay was going places.
From her singing in the Church to musicals at the little theatre to winning regional karaoke competitions, we knew that Kay was on the rise.
At age 20 she broke the color barrier and was cast as Irene in Bubbling Brown Sugar on Broadway.
It was backstage recently that Ms. Sera was introduced to Otis Knight who offered her the job of lead singer in his group: Otis Knight and The Daze.
She has hit the bigtime! The world tour begins next week in Amsterdam. From there the group headlines in New York, London, Paris, Munich.
Kay has had to learn a whole new set list including Shout, Rama Lama Ding Dong, Shama Lama Ding Dong, Fast Train, and the closing crowd pleaser, I'd Do Anything For Love.
When asked about her feelings on this big break, Kay said: "Whatever will be, will be."
We couldn't have said it better. The future is not ours to see.
Super Bowl Report, Day of...
We know, we know, we're not allowed to say Super Bowl, but that's just for advertising, we hope, so sue us.
What a day, what a game.
Pete and Clete (yes the portly one) Sweeney have been in NoLa and filing their observations with the news desk at the fresnOnion.
Pete's Scribbles:
Taylor Swift was booed by some Eagle Fans. When asked why, "we don't have anyone pretty rooting for us."
Travis Kelce's body language says 'retirement'
Andy Reid should use suspenders
The timeouts are much too long
Clete's Scribbles:
The hotel brunch was outstanding
Not enough taxis or Ubers in NoLa, had to walk the block to the dome.
Ran out of Tums
Watched the second half on the big screen at Rick's Cabaret.
Editors Note: We received word from the SuperDome security that Clete hip-checked a female Eagle fan who was wearing a much too tight Tim Rossovich jersey, after she booed Taylor Swift.
After much shouting and finger pointing, she did give Clete her number and they will go on a 'reconciliatory date' Monday evening.
The (love?) Story Continues
You will recall that we reported the Clete Sweeney incident during the game when he hip-checked a female Eagle fan who was booing Taylor Swift.
That resulted in a date. That date turned into a "meet my family" day on Tuesday.
Clete and the lady traveled to Centralia, Pennsylvania, the least populated municipality in Pennsylvania, with a population of five in 2020. It's located in Columbia County and is part of the Bloomsburg–Berwick metropolitan area. The family lives a mile out of town.
While wishing to remain anonymous, she did permit us to publish a picture of her children.
We wish Clete the best and hope he has an exit strategy.
Oh, The Shark Babe
Bobby Darrin sang about it. Most of us can sing a few lyrics. But the fact is shark bites were down last year.
A recent report by the remarkably professional Katie Hunt at CNN indicates that the unprovoked attacks were down to just 47 in 2024. That's a decrease of 22 and way below the average of 70. And nobody knows why.
Until now.
The ichthyology students at Strasburg State University want to publish their findings.
They have determined that our diet and deodorant have made us undesirable.
"The combination of garlic and Old Spice seem to have created a, heretofore unknown, shark retardant," said Professor Bo "Mack" Randall.
So now we have joined the punchline to the old question: Why don't sharks eat clowns? Because they taste funny......
editors note: Katie Hunt has a BA in Modern Chinese Studies from Leeds University, and really good penmanship (penwomanship? personship?).
Boat Show
The very popular, annual, Walhonding Jon Boat Show is slated to begin this Thursday.
The Walhonding Business Incubator space will be the site.
"The old sawmill and lumber center is the perfect space. We have indoor and outdoor display capabilities," says Incubator interim managing director, Dawnelle DiFrancesca.
Every shape, size and style of jon boat will be on location. Crestliner, G3, Lund, and Lowe have all committed to the show.
A vintage 1952 wooden MacGregor Persimmon Jon Boat will be the grand door prize. You do need to know that it does require a little restoration.
The 4 day event is again
sponsored by Ace and Betty Fry,
proprietors of Fry's Flies & Pies.
Ace ties flies, and Betty makes pies.
Tantrum or Slump?
Rafael Devers has set a major league record by striking out ten times in the first 3 games this season.
For those unaware of this heartwarming story, The Boston Red Sox signed Alex Bregman to play third base - Dever's position.
The manager then slotted Devers in the DH (designated hitter) role.
"I don't want to do that," said Devers.
"You will," said Manager Alex Cora.
Thus the 0-12 start.
"What I find really encouraging is his ability to strike out, march back to the dugout, regroup, and strike out again," said an anonymous teammate.
The Red Sox front office has called Devers mom.
She's flying in today, will probably bring soup.
150 Years
The Fresno (Avondale) Sesquicentennial is being planned for this summer.
The Backstreet Boys, Taylor Swift, Joe Bonamassa, The Eagles, Asleep at the Wheel, Little Feat, Govt Mule, Robert Randolph, Lady Gaga, and Chris Stapleton are on the growing list of entertainers who will not perform.
Replacement Eggs
Yes, eggs are still on our minds here in the fresnOnion newsroom.
What with the price well over $5 per dozen, many are concerned about the Easter Egg hunting socials.
"I can't afford to buy eggs just for decorating this year," said local mom Lucille.
Howie Brownlee, the Owner, CEO, President, Treasurer and Secretary of Brownlee's Timber and Wood Products, has started to address that problem.
"What I've done is instruct the design and engineering department to retool some mothballed lathes and routers," he said.
The first 10,000 wooden eggs of all sizes have been turned out for retail sales.
"We have taken the scraps and created another niche product that can be bought in our gift store or at any place that sells craft supplies," Brownlee offered. "And our prices will beat any Off-the-wall Mart."
A couple of additional notes on the subject: Francis O'Toole's offer to discount his unsold potatoes for "Easter Tater" hunting was rejected.
And Flo's Diner says that her annual Egg Salad Sandwich specials will be off the board this year.
Alignment (not your tires)
When you hear someone say "the stars aligned" you understand they are talking about good fortune.
Well we here in the newsroom of the fresnOnion wonder what it means when the planets align?
This is the week we find out.
Kerry Breen at CBS news has told us that seven planets are doing just that: lining up.
Dr. Wesley Unsold at The Fresno Planetarium Orrery & Observatory will have the world's strongest telescope available from 10pm to 5am.
"This will be totally awesome and tubular," said Dr. Unsold.
The facility will charge $5 at the front door and Dr. Wes reminds everyone that his place is "smoke free".
Gummies and flasks are permitted and encouraged.
Mr. Breen, an editor for CBS, took a few classes at New York University's Arthur L. Carter School of Journalism, enough for his Masters Degree, and is in charge of the cowbell in a Blue Oyster Cult cover band.
Tense Times
Last night's town council meeting did not go very smoothly.
Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe was on the hot seat all evening.
Trupe had submitted his nephew, Dewey Trupe, for appointment to the position of "Deputy Constable".
Dewey is the legendary right tackle for the local semi-pro football team. He switched from the left side position when the famous left handed quarterback Jim Zorn joined the team.
The town council members all had issues with Dewey's size, he weighs 405 pounds.
"He eats too much", "he is too big", "he can't run down crooks" and "he is not a good image" were just some of the epithets slung at the portly young man.
"I have not gained a pound since my sophomore year of high school," noted Trupe who is now 32.
"I promise to not eat more than five meals a day."
Bo Ling the owner of Bo Ling's All-You-Can-Eat Chinese Buffet told council members that Dewey is banned from his establishment.
"He eat too much. He big boy. I tell him 'you go now'.
"Sometimes it ok to fire customer," declared a defiant Ling.
After numerous attempts to break a 2-2 tie, Dewey withdrew his name from consideration and decided to just keep his job as the Head Chef at Dirty Sal's Pizza Pie and Pasta Emporium.
Sal promised to renovate the kitchen and widen the isles.
The only other item on the evening's agenda was the appropriation of $234,444 for feral cat control.
Headed South
Pete and Clete (the portly one) Sweeney have headed to Florida in Clete's '71 Pinto.
As reported earlier, they are again volunteer workers at The Players Championship.
Their itinerary has them driving all the way to Fort Mill just south of Charlotte on old Rt. 21.
"We plan on staying at Betty's Bed-Breakfast-and Diner," said Clete. Betty does not do lunch.
"Betty makes great pies and always looks forward to feeding Clete," said Pete.
We at the fresnOnion will endeavor to keep you apprised.
Finally!
A team of astronomers using the James Webb Telescope has detected forms of life on another exoplanet. We'll call it K2-18B.
Regular contributor to the fresnOnion, CNN's Ashley Strickland is reporting that they are not ready to be definitive, but they found molecules that marine phytoplankton produce.
With that news, every department at Strasburg State University is planning the next step: The welcome party.
SSU spokesperson who really wants anonymity says, "we'll treat this like a courtship. We've discovered, now we woo, then we invite, then we entertain."
"This campus is buzzing," she said.
The current debate is what the party theme should be, should the party be alcohol and gummy free, and should there be a dress code?
PTO Welcomes Famous Duo
The Fresno PTO will feature Calvin and Hobbes tonight at the monthly meeting for parents and teachers.
The pair will speak on the importance of fighting, wrestling, creative thought, independence, language, self esteem, experimentation, boredom, hurtling down hills in sleds and wagons, throwing things, and golf.
Calvin will demonstrate the "transmogrifier". A nominal $5 'courtesy fee' will be collected for parents that want to place their child in one.
The ladies of the church will have a cash bar.
Doors open at 6:30 with the program slated to begin sometime thereafter....8ish or so.
What a Response !
Since the recent word got out that Theo Mantie and The Screendoor Slammers were the opening act this weekend at The Pete Ames Carryout and Concert Hall, the switchboard has blown up.
Earnestine Tomlin is the box office manager.
"We didn't realize there was such a cult following for the 'Slammers'," she said. "People from all over the eastern half of our country want to come to Chili."
The headliners are THRASH and they agreed to add a Sunday matinee, but have to break down the set and move on to Defiance College's Winterfest Concert on Tuesday.
Because of the demand, Theo Mantie used some comp days at work and his group has agreed to play Sunday Night, Monday and Tuesday evening as well. The rest of the band are unemployed.
Because of the complexity of THRASH's 46 piece band and stage set, Sunday's 'Slammer performance will begin as soon as possible. Somewhere between 8:30 and 10 pm.
Ohlinger's Bed and Breakfast is providing the lodging for Theo and the boys.
There is not a hotel room available in the tri county area.
Constable Rollie F. Trupe has called in extra help. He deputized Pete and Big Clete Sweeney.
"We kinda knew we'd be called when the first hippie lookin' VW bus rolled into town," said Pete. "Not profilin' or anything, just sayin'...."
Great Idea
Hot off of the revelation that she uses analog to cleanse and purge some digital affectations, The Rachel Maddow Study has begun at Strasburg State University.
Maddow told Lawrence O'donnell last night that she gets her record player and long playing albums out for just the right treatment.
This morning the Sociology and Psychology Department at SSU released a statement on their intended research.
"Because our world is so digitized and Rachel identified this need, our students have been up all night creating the paradigm for how we will proceed," said Department Chairman Dr. Phillipe deGrommet.
"Not only will the LP be utilized, we will also look at how 8-track tapes of Roger Whiticker music, VHS reruns of Gilligan's Island, writing with a pencil, utilizing a typewriter for letters to be sent through the US Postal System can help one de-digitize their lives," Dr. deGrommet offered.
Dr. deGrommet said that as they fine tune the study, the students will introduce the rotary telephone, a thermometer, rabbit ears for television reception and a Kodak camera to each subject's life.
The research is made possible by a grant from The Amish.
Swanson Gets Hired
About three and half years ago the Fresno Visitor and Convention Bureau disbanded because of the lack of hotel and convention space.
Ever since then the most active committee member, Gloria Swanson, has been sending out resumes.
Those efforts have finally paid off.
The island of Anholt (Denmark) has hired her to create and manage their visitor bureau.
"We were just so impressed with her tireless endeavor to bring attention to Fresno," said search committee chairman Vigo Jensen.
Swanson said in the interview she talked about creating a dog show, a Texas style BBQ cook-off, a world class zoo, and a golf course to the island that is seven miles long and 4 miles wide.
Swanson also indicated that her companion Harold Amos will stay here with their 9 dogs.
Friday At The Masters
"Not as exciting as Thursday, but still interesting." That was how Pete Sweeney described the second day of The Masters.
After taking an 8 on the final hole to miss the cut, Brooks Koepka's girlfriend had Clete fetch their car.
"Her wink, smile and 'thank-you' touch on my forearm was worth way more than the $5 tip!" declared the portly Sweeney brother.
Also, the Sweeney brothers noted the fabulous turnaround that Nick Dunlap had on Friday.
Dunlap had a few problems, bad bounces, missed putts on Thursday to post a 90. But was nineteen strokes better (71) on Friday. He still missed the cut, but Pete said "props" for not withdrawing with some fake 'tigerlike' injury.
Pete also said it reminded him of the time he shot 98 one day and turned around and improved by 7 shots the next day at The Lake Lila CC Invitational.
"Those are memories for a lifetime", said Pete.
Finally there's no proof (because cell phones are prohibited) that the following were up late partying with Clete, but, Dustin Johnson, Koepka, Tony Finau, Sergio Garcia, Sepp Straka and Cameron Smith all missed the cut.
Freddie Couples also missed the cut, but admits he was there. "Heck I was the one who put Clete into the taxi."
And So It Begins
After taking last month to reorganize and set monthly meeting dates, the local government association committee met last evening.
The first order of business ended up being the only item on the agenda, that of deporting all of the cats.
"We have it on good authority that the local townships are sending us their worst, their undesirables, their problematic cats," said chairwoman Heloise Hinton, "especially that town up north."
"This is unprecedented, heartless, cruel and mean," said local feline rescue volunteer Halle Berrymore.
In a compromise move, it was agreed that "only the Toms" will be sent back across the border first.
Supporters of both sides outside the chambers didn't clash, just called each other names.
A Big Bet
Clete (who's put on some weight) Sweeney, while volunteering at The Players Championship, has won some spending money.
"I put a twenty on the biggest odds parlay here at The Players, and hit," said an excited Clete.
The bets were:
Would a player have more than 2 eagles in one round? Chandler Phillips had three.
Would a player tie or beat the course record? Justin Thomas had a 62 to tie.
Would a player hole out from the drop zone at #17? Justin Lower did just that.
Sweeneys winnings totaled $91,345.
Brother Pete says "he's buying gas and dinner on the way home. He's the luckiest fat man I know."
Tonight Tonight Tonight
The long-awaited NFL Draft begins tonight at 8pm.
And the even more long-awaited and anticipated Sweeney Draft Party begins tonight at 6pm.
The annual get-together hosted by Pete and Clete Sweeney, is for all local fans and friends of professional football (not soccer!).
The traditional fare prepared by Pete will be his famous Ghost and Jalapeno Meat Lovers Pizza, andouille sausage sandwiches, and spicy Mexican street cornbread poppers.
Clete will be the bartender, obviously.
The soiree is a covered dish, so bring your favorite casserole, table service and lawn chair.
The doors open at the Sweeney Party Barn at 5:59. Zeke 'N Eddy will provide the music until 7:59. During the first two hours, newcomers will be introduced and guests will place their bets.
$10 gets you in the pool to guess the first 5 picks. The winner (s) will get some money.
The Tennessee Titans are on the clock. And The Browns pick second.
Note: if you haven't seen Clete in a while you should be prepared. He's put on a little weight.
Today is opening day of baseball.
The Indians (oops, Guardians) open in Kansas City which reminds us of two things.
Bar B Q, and the time our longtime little league baseball coach threw out the first pitch.
Spike Petty, who caught one game in Single A ball, was invited to throw out the first pitch. It didn't go well.
Spike was introduced to a groundswell of applause from the hundreds in attendance at the old Municipal Stadium.
Boog Powell ushered him to the mound. Frank Duffy squatted behind the plate. Spike wound up, slipped and spiked the ball slightly backwards into the rubber.
But the horror didn't end there as the ball bounced back up into his upper lip and nose.
"I've never seen that much blood," said Boog who upchucked.
It took the grounds crew so much time to clean the pitchers mound that the game was delayed 30 minutes.
Beer sales were up that day. If everyone who said that they were "there that day Spike spiked the ball" attendence would be over a half million.
Go Tribe.
Tense Times
Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe had to use all of his skills yesterday at Murphy's Mart.
Jennifer Murphy called Trupe to help her with a customer.
According to the blotter, Lowell Hightower walked up to Jennifer and asked for the "free" range eggs.
Jen handed him a dozen and said "that will be $4.99".
Lowell responded that the sign outside said "free" range eggs.
Jenn said no the sign says "free range eggs".
Lowell responded with "yes. free. Why am I being charged $4.99? Not sure what range eggs are but I want the free ones."
This went back and forth for 25 minutes because that was how long it took for Rollie to get dressed, find his keys, and drive the 2 blocks to Murphy's Mart.
After the Constable explained what "free range" meant, Lowell left muttering something about truth in advertising and promising that Jen would hear from his lawyer.
We'll monitor this developing story.
editor's note: since this story broke, many alert readers have contacted the fresnOnion newsroom to remind us that Lowell is the same guy that keeps trying to buy the garages at "garage sales".
Latest Edition
The new edition of BasementsMagazine has hit the newsstands everywhere.
This month's publication features articles on:
-Proper waterproofing is necessary
-Living with a sandstone foundation
-Basements...can you really live there?
-The importance of backflow preventers.
-Why no basements in Florida
-Milroe's basement on National Register
-How to retrofit for a golf simulator
-Sump pumps, how much to spend
-Editor Markus Mowrey's memories of high school basement dating.
The online edition can be accessed at:
www.belowthefrostline.zno
Sweeneys Get A New Agreement
For years, Pete and Clete (who's put on a little weight) Sweeney have been volunteers at major PGA events.
We've just been informed that their Volunteer Contracts have been received.
"A few new paragraphs for us to agree to," said Pete, "but not any deal breakers."
For all major tournaments, Pete will drive Scottie Scheffler onto the grounds.
"The PGA does not want a repeat of last year's arrest," said Pete. "So I will pick him up at the hotel and drive him to the bag drop area."
Clete will again be in charge of caddie snacks and clean towels. But, there will be much tighter inventory control protocol for him to sign.
"I guess Clete will have to account for all candy bars and peanut butter crackers," said Pete. "Last year he was out of supplies before the field had finished and the towels had chocolate smears."
Their obligations begin next week at The Players Championship.
The final addendum to their contract said they must leave their clubs at home. The players complained that they were hounded by the Sweeney brothers to play a $2 net nassau after every round.
Drinkin' O The Green
The Fresno Irish-American Club will again hold their annual St. Patrick's Day soiree at the O'Leary Mansion.
Fred and Ethel O'Leary, Max and Erma O'Boy, along with Bud and Tootie O'My will welcome one and all this Monday.
The parade begins at 3 pm. Liam Neeson is the grand marshal.
The party begins at 4 pm. U2 will entertain.
The traditional singing of "Wasn't that a party" will be at 10 pm when everyone is sent home.
Green beer, green schnapps, green snacks and green hats will be provided.
"Last year we welcomed over 900 to the green acres of our beautiful estate," said Fred.
The ladies of the church will park cars.
People Who Look
In our world there are people who look for things. They look underwater, they look to the stars, they look at yard sales.
But the people who dig seem to always be finding good stuff.
CNN's perspicacious writer Mindy Weisberger has uncovered a story about some writing on stones in Denmark.
The runestones that had information carved with a hammer and chisel mentions an important female named Thyra. We think she was the advisor to the Viking's cheerleading squad and controlled all the mead production in Denmark, Norway and Sweden.
Weisberger's latest piece, which should be winning some award somewhere, also mentions how they learned about the runic writer.
The runology department at Strasburg State University has poured over the 3-D images that were emailed to them.
Department Chairman Emilio Swartzentruber says his graduate students have gleaned quite a bit.
"It is our position that this particular runic writer was lefthanded, argued with her husband the day of chiseling and rolled her own cigarettes," said Swartzentruber.
The SSU students were also able to decipher the final line that had been heretofore a puzzle. It says: "sure pray someone invents a pencil, I keep hitting my thumb".
Mindy Weisberger is a science writer, editor and media producer. She does calisthenics once a month and is a spokesperson for Cracker Jacks.
Semi Hijacked
If you heard all of the sirens and saw all of the red, blue and amber lights flashing last night, here's why.
Local constable Rollie F. Trupe has just filed his morning report:
"Last night while coming across the northern county border, Jasper McSeever was stopped because of an overturned 4-wheeler," according to Trupe's report.
"When Jasper got out to help, someone jumped in and drove off with his load of toilet paper," the report continued.
Jasper said this was his usual Sunday night route of delivery, so he thinks it might be someone who knows him. "I don't think it was a Soprano's thing though," he stated, "the boys were more red-neck than Italian. One even said 'sorry Jasper' ".
Inspector Clue'so from the home office has been dispatched.
"We will play this one close to the chest, and keep our findings under our hats, until Clue'so makes an arrest," said Rollie.
In what might be a related note, the constable received a call from his cousin that their place was tp'd last night too.
Jenn Murphy, proprietor of Murphy's Mart, says she will raise the prices on all tp at her place, "supply and demand and all."
The Word Is Out (accidentally)
Pete Sweeney has never been known to keep a secret.
Well now the fresnOnion newsroom has just had it confirmed that Pete and Clete (who is still putting on weight) Sweeney have been assigned to cover the Red Carpet for tonight's Saturday Night Live 50th Anniversary.
It is all part of the newest Christopher Guest mockumentary "Red Drapes".
"Everyone makes a big deal about the stars' arrival and the long procession into the theatre," says Guest, "but nobody sees the carpet, we see the red drapes or curtains in the background."
Clete says that their assignment is to cover all the people in the background that make events so special.
"So we will be interviewing and profiling the limo drivers, the men who hang the drapes, the teenagers that clean up spills on the red carpet, and really focusing on the ushers," Pete offered.
Once the event begins, they will also be seat fillers. Michael "Kramer" Richards has provided instruction on that important service.
Guest's mockumentary is scheduled for release June 1st on local Cable Channel 80 FZNO.
While interviewing Guest for this article he went into a long dissertation on drapes, admitting that when he was twelve he would drive his mother crazy listing all the types of "drapes".
"Curtains, shades, blinds, screens, louvres, shutters, arrases, shrouds, purdahs, portieres, valances, jalousies...."
We put the phone down....he's probably still talking.
PS: don't ask him about nuts.
Good Start
The Walhonding Jon Boat Show got off to an outstanding start last night.
Doors opened, none too soon, at 5pm at the Walhonding Business Incubator.
The line of jon boat enthusiasts was clear around the corner, all the way to The Campground Diner.
Clete Sweeney (who has put on a little weight) had a slideshow presentation. Every picture included his cat, Kellyanne.
After he cleared the stage, local band Zeke 'N Eddy entertained for those who wanted to dance.
All the big manufacturing names were there. All the big industry influencers were there. All the big local politicians were absent.
"Not enough registered voters for me to attend," said one anonymous (Robert Bare) precinct boss.
The Walhonding Jon Boat Show runs through Sunday. The grand prize drawing of a guided fishing trip with Clete will close the show at 6pm. The MacGregor Persimmon Jon Boat has been removed from the premises, as it is no longer deemed to be salvageable.
note: last year's winner, Trudy Sundheimer, still hasn't scheduled her trip with Clete.
Rejected
Local guy Clete Sweeney (whom some have said has put on a little weight) has been turned down by The Beverage Testing Institute.
Clete heard about the Institute after the results of The World's Best Bourbon were released. He wanted to be a taste tester too.
The always alert Forbes senior contributor, Brad Japhe, recently detailed the Institute's findings.
Clete said he was turned down after they read his answers on the employment questionnaire.
"Seems I eat too many ghost peppers and they didn't like the fact I have three Big Gulps per day," said a dejected Sweeney.
"They just think my palate has been compromised."
Clete's brother Pete thinks it was the lure of 'free whiskey' that motivated his brother to apply in the first place.
When contacted to comment on Clete's situation, Japhe said, "I did notice he's now using suspenders."
Movement
If Saturday is considered movement day at golf tournaments, players move up or down the leaderboard, then Sunday's movement provides for great theatre.
And what a tournament of dramatic movement it was. Rory McIlroy prevailed to win his first Masters and complete the career Grand Slam.
Clete, who was in charge of the two players entrance gates (one for Scottie), reported that between Friday's exodus of those who didn't make the cut and those who were trying to get to the Sweeney Party Tent, he moved a lot of courtesy vehicles.
Personally, Clete is sharing just too much when he reported there has been no 'movement' for him.
He thinks it might be the 88 Pimento & Cheese sandwiches plus his Saturday meal at Parson's, the famous downtown Augusta diner. Saturday was National Grilled Cheese Day, and Clete had 4.
It should be noted that the biggest buzz created at Augusta National was the new drink that Pete served at the Sweeney Party Tent. He introduced theSam Snead Slammer: Vodka, V8, Southern Comfort, dill pickle juice with a pickle spear.
The Sweeney boys should be home between Tuesday and Thursday.
Today is 3.14.2025
Early Spring
Regardless of what Punxsutawney Phil or Buckeye Chuck says, according to Fresno Freddie, spring is just around the corner.
The oldest and most accurate marmota monax weather prognosticator, Fresno Freddie, did not see his shadow this morning.
This forecast was confirmed as Peas Brooke (Nova Scotia) Pepe emerged in the darkened morning. The groundhog, or siffleux as know among French Canadians in eastern Canada, has the same record as Fresno Freddie.
The only time our groundhog was wrong was in 2021, he had covid.
The early spring means a lot to the local economy. Lawn and garden activities, little league baseball and golf will start soon.
The Sweeney Report
Pete and Clete (who's put on more weight) Sweeney are finally in New Orleans for the Super (we can't use the word).
We can use "Bowl" but not paired with the other word (Super).
Anyway, Clete stood beside Guillermo from the Jimmy Kimmel Show for the press conference. Clete was not forceful enough to get a question answered.
Pete is still recovering from the night before on Bourbon Street where Clete came home with the most beads.
The brothers plan on gathering more information from The Sup%r ^owl today and will file a report late tonight.
Hitting the all-you-can-eat brunch buffet, day drinking with Ron White and golf with Paige Spiranac at The LeRoux Golf and "Social" Club is planned.
They've Arrived
After spending the night in Cabin Creek, WVa. and changing the right front tire (Clete's side) in the parking lot, the Sweeney boys have arrived in Augusta.
They tell us here in the newsroom at the fresnOnion that they got a little sleep but are ready for today's Par 3.
The PGA volunteers will be controlling crowds, helping the youngsters who are too small to carry their dad's golf bags, and fetching 'beverages' for players, their wives and patrons.
Clete tells us that the weather is spectacular. He's been ordered not to interact with the player's wives and girlfriends
Pete spent yesterday late afternoon buying golf balls from the neighbor kids.
Playdates Resume
Fresno Kennels will begin their popular "Playful Pooch" sessions beginning Monday.
"We're not changing a thing, the policies and protocols we have seem to make everyone happy," said Kennel owner Petunia Chubb.
Chubb suspends the "Playful Pooch" sessions between Thanksgiving week and the end of January.
"Not only is that time used for maintenance and repair of the facilities, I can decompress a bit too," laughed Petunia.
The play date schedule is as follows:
Mondays - 2-10 lb. dogs
Tuesdays - 11-25 lb. dogs
Wednesdays - 26 lbs. and over
Thursdays are for those concerned with their pups' self esteem and worried about diversity, equity and inclusion. So if you want your yappy little Yorkie to run with the big dogs, then Thursdays are open sessions. All owners will be required to sign a waiver and indemnification paper.
Fresno Kennels is located over the hill, around the bend and down the lane from Clapboard Cemetery.
The "Playful Pooch" playdate sessions are partially funded by grant from the Tally/Fancy/Lucy/Henry/Desi Foundation.
More information can be found online at: www.dogsonlynocats.bark
Fresno, Oh
"...the hippest village east of Marfa, Tx...."
Annual Swap Days Set
The old boys of the neighborhood think it started back in 1949.
Regardless of when it started, it has continued every year since everyone here in the fresnOnion newsroom can remember.
The Annual Seed and Garden Implement Swap is always the first Saturday morning and Sunday (after church) afternoon in April: this year the fourth and 5th.
Morty Chesterfield has organized this since 1973 and says this promises to be the best event ever, "I just think that with all the feedback and promises I've gotten, this will be the best event ever."
Chesterfield reminds everyone participating that it is a BYOT (bring your own table) and if you are planning on purchasing seeds, BYOT (bring your own tote).
The ladies of the church will operate a biergarten on Saturday and mimosa bar on Sunday.
Lecture Tonight
The Making Life Better lecture series continues tonight with the first of a 3 part series.
The Guv'nors Office of Acceptance will send their main speaker to the Plainfield Civic Hall for tonight's presentation.
Tad Moore will talk about "The Mundane".
"The tedious and tiresome moments in life will be highlighted by examples of dull and boring," says his brochure. Moore's 4 hour disquisition will be bookended by slide shows.
"I guess that I've captured the prosaic and commonplace components of living a vanilla lifestyle," noted Moore. "It happens as we transition from living an exciting existence."
Doors open at 6 pm, lecture begins around 7.
Part 2 titled Am I That Guy? monotonous self awareness will be Wednesday.
Part 3 titled Escaping and Avoiding the Mundane will conclude on Thursday. Note: you must attend the first two evenings and be invited for Part 3. Certificates of Acknowledgement will be awarded at the ceremony.
The ladies of the church will serve large goblets of Franzia Chillable Red. You are also permitted to bring your own thermos.
Matinee Added
March will come in like a lion this year.
The Pete Ames Carry-out and Concert Hall has just announced. that due to popular demand. a Sunday matinee performance has been added to the THRASH schedule.
THRASH is the multi-sensory assault band from Patagonia.
Using the Patagonia to English conversion app, their poster says that they feature a big video screen, vibrating seats, olfactory hallucinations along with the very loud speakers.
Tickets for THRASH were sold out in 90 minutes.
Theo Mantie and The Screendoor Slammers will open. They are the world's only hillbilly jam band that features two wash-tub bass players.
"dem boys done got dees bass' tuned to different sounds so as to not seem da same," says Theo. "one is a stand-up, and dee udder one is played like a fiddle. a big fiddle but you have to set to play it."
Local Cable Channel 80 FZNO will document the Saturday night performance.
It's Masters Week !
The Masters. One of the most anticipated golf tournaments of the year.....for Pete and Clete Sweeney (who by the way has put on a little weight).
The traditional "send the boys off" community breakfast and fundraiser was held earlier this morning.
A record donation of $44.21 was handed to Pete as they walked out the door.
Clete had his '71 Pinto serviced and they expect to arrive in Augusta for Wednesday's Par 3 fun day.
Clete will again be in charge of the "Scottie Scheffler Special Entry Gate" and Pete this year will walk with the fuzzy microphone so Jim Nantz can hear the pro-caddie discussions.
Pete also took his clubs in hopes that he can be included in the Masters Media Invitational. Select members of the media get to play the course with the Sunday Pin Placements.
Pete is looking for a special exemption as he is a representative of the fresnOnion.
News From The Arts
In a stunning and unprecedented move, The Pete Ames Carry-out and Concert Hall in Chili has made a long term entertainment commitment.
Hank Strambleton and The Vapid Pedestrians have been inked to anchor the 2025 concert season at the storied venue.
Strambleton and his backing musicians have recreated The Pat Boone Chevy Showroom as a tribute to the legendary crooner, complete with a big sign.
The variety show format will also feature lookalike and soundalike performances by Andy Williams, Pearl Bailey, Johnny Mathis, and Perry Como to name just a few.
"We've spared no expense this year," said facility manager Marcus Miller. "We want to reward our patrons and guaranteeing that this type of top notch event will return each month is doing just that. We even commissioned a big sign."
Hank Strambleton and The Vapid Pedestrians Pat Boone Tribute will perform each night for the last 14 days of February and each month for a 4 day stint throughout the year.
Strambleton's wife, Hannahbelle, will manage the coat check and gummy counter.
More information on tickets, loge reservations and season memberships can be found at: www.chilibehoppin.trip
Even More News You Are Advised To Disregard
Good Attendance
The traditional Herman Keiser Memorial Dinner was held last night, with a very good crowd attending.
"Every year Ohioans gather to remember the 1946 Masters Champion," said organizer Paulie Pavlon.
"He beat the great Ben Hogan and never really got the respect we think he deserves, so we Buckeyes get together once a year to do so," Pavlon concluded.
Pete Sweeney was the featured speaker. He fondly recalled being a youngster and getting a lesson from Keiser at Firestone CC and getting his shins smacked by Keiser's pitching wedge because he was swaying.
Keiser never returned to Augusta because of the way the officials treated him, calling them all "sons of female dogs."
Clete said the food, catered by The Diamond Grille, was outstanding.
Higher Education
Strasburg State University is announcing a new degreed program.
"We are always taking the temperature of our culture and, well, the times are really a changin'," said Junior Assistant Provost to the English Department, Conway Robbins.
Now all juniors at SSU can choose to obtain their degree in Rhetoric and Hypocrisy.
Students will learn that their beliefs and behaviors do not need to conform.
Additionally, the English department will provide classes on persuasive and impressive speaking techniques.
"The times we live in now, and what appears to be for the foreseeable future, do not call for us to 'mean what we say'," said Robbins.
Parents of students enrolled at Strasburg State can block their child's application by contacting Robbins on his secure Signal chat line.
February February February February February February February
Only 4 left
Chef Milton at the famous Tie-Dyed Lotus Resort in Baltic says that he only has room for 4 more tomorrow night.
His popular all-you-can-eat Valentine's Day Buffet sells out every year.
"We can push the tables together or keep them separate for the intimate romantic dinner," says Chef Milton.
The buffet will again feature all the meats, both red and white. All the wines, both red and white. And, all the starches, both white and off-white.
The famous Tie-Dyed Lotus is a 1.5 star resort and also has 2 rooms available Friday night. Saturday's 'Leftover Brunch' is included.
It should also be noted that Chef Milton is again a finalist for the James Beard Award. His "Possum - the other white meat, and always suitable for the deep fryer" was noted in the chef's nomination.
The Sweeney Report, Day 2
The news department of the fresnOnion has sent Pete and Clete (boy has he put on weight) Sweeney to cover the "Big Game".
Clete's scribbles:
Saw Taylor Swift, she wouldn't answer questions
Saw Travis Kelce, he has a menacing stare
Saw Andy Reid he was two fisting Heisler Beers
Going back to Rick's Cabaret again after the S*uper B*owl
Pete's Scribbles:
Had to stop Clete's shouting at Taylor
Had to get between Travis and Clete
Bought shots of Sazarec Rye so we could share boilermakers with Andy
Will be the designated driver again for the afterparty at Rick's
F.C.C. To Meet
The Fresno Croquet Club will hold their annual organizational meeting this Saturday in the Club's Social Hall at 2 pm.
The F.C.C. organized in the spring of 1946. When WWII ended and the men came home to reclaim their jobs, the ladies suddenly found they had some free time on their hands.
The F.C.C. is one of the only "all ladies" croquet clubs left in America. The only other is in Germfask, MI. (The Upper Peninsula)
"This will be our 80th year of fellowship and competition," said original founding member Ruthie Talamore.
The meeting's agenda will include the never changing rules, committee assignments, decorum, proper attire, and the annual trip to Germfask.
Talamore also noted that The F.C.C. is a "wooden mallet and ball" only club. "No composites allowed!" she declared.
"I've already reserved every room at the Jolly Inn for our W.C. Cup competition" said Ruthie.
The Cup is named after W.C.Fields who popularized the sport.
Those ladies wishing to join The F.C.C. should apply on line at: www.watchthatwicket.trip
Something New
For the first time in over a decade, and this is exciting news folks, Butterfinger is offering a new flavor.
When it comes to news from the candybar aisle, alert writer Abigail Wilt is on it like the Candyland board game champion she is. Abigail is reporting in Southern Living magazine that we can soon look for the Salted Caramel Butterfinger.
Not to be outdone in the 'new candy bar' rivalry, Zero Bar is also offering new products.
Our own senior confectionery reporter, Slim Whitfield, says that soon we will be offered Zero Point 5 Bar, the Naught bar, The Zilch Bar, The Nothing Bar, the Nil Bar, and the Zero-In Bar.
When we asked Slim when they hit the shelves, he said: "I have zero intel on that."
Theft Under Investigation
Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe says he might have to call in some extra help on this one.
"I might have to call in some extra help," Trupe said after being called about a recent theft.
The children of Ruth and Myron Hobblestone sent their parents on a "much needed" vacation cruise.
But when the Hobblestones returned from the 8 day Caribbean excursion, they drove home from the airport only to find that their barn roof had been stolen.
"I have had communiques from the federals that there is a site on the dark web dealing in black market trusses," said Constable Trupe.
"We might have to start a task force or something," concluded Rollie, 'but in all my born days I never seen the likes of this thievery!"
Major Breakfast News
The National Breakfast Diners Coalition has announced that a countrywide price increase will go into effect immediately.
"With The Fred recent report and no expectation of relief in the near future, we've had to authorize an increase in the price of breakfast that includes eggs," said Coalition Spokesthing Pat Morhan.
The Fred is a report from the St. Louis Federal Reserve Bank and the national average for the most recent month (March) was $6.23 for a dozen eggs.
Locally, Head Fry Cook out at the Eat Here Truck Stop, Bob (last name withheld for WITSEC reasons) says he understands it is necessary.
"We just hope the old boys that come in every morning to spread rumors realize that the day of our $1.99 Big Breakfast Deal is over."
Golden
The 50th Annual Ab Lapp Memorial Unicycle 75k Race has been set for the traditional last Sunday of March, the 30th.
Last year's champion is still recovering from a scooter mishap, so Bobby Jean Gentry-Fied is not in the field.
As a special opening ceremony for the golden anniversary of the race, the very first winner will say "go".
Seth Agin, who is now 77 years old, has agreed to return for the honor.
The "Memorial" was created to pay tribute to Ab Lapp who entertained children for 20 years at all of the elementary schools in our district. His assembly antics on a unicycle inspired kids to try the sport.
At last count Lapp was responsible for 184 broken arms. The local hospital also coined the phrase: "the kid got a Lappcast".
The ladies of the church will hand out tubes of salve at the finish line.
Local cable channel 80 FZNO will broadcast the race in tape delay right after the Hee-Haw marathon.
Get Out and Go
Dion and the Belmonts sang about The Wanderer. Roy Buchanan's song, The Wayfaring Pilgrim is a classic.
We've all had a relative or two that loved to hike.
In Australia they call it "a walkabout".
Call it what you will, but it's all just being a "PILGRIM".
And tonight's Live Your Life seminar at the West Bedford General Store's Community Room, Robert Earl from Keene will talk on his life as a pilgrim.
"It's not just wandering down to the post office, or slow walking to get ice cream, or stumbling the wrong way after happy hour," said Earl.
"You have to commit to taking the time to get to your destination," he cautioned.
"You have to commit to ignoring your internal clock," he continued.
Tonight's lecture starts around 7.
The ladies of the church will tap the keg at 6 and hand out Dr. Scholl's foot pads.
Robert Earl will also have his hand-carved walking sticks for sale.
The Wayfaring Strangers, a local Jr. High jazz band, will entertain during happy hour.
Filling A Need
Todd "Big Head" Truman has announced that he is going to be a Hatter.
"Because my head is slightly larger than most, it has always been a hardship getting a hat that fits," said Truman.
"Not only have I had trouble getting a golf hat that fits, I just can't find one large enough to wear when I dress up," he added.
His business will be called ToddHatter and will custom make each piece of headwear.
"I will take on a client and handle everything from measurement to construction," said the big headed one.
This comes on the heals of his primary business, Todd's Long&Tall, custom made blue jeans for the long legged, skinny guy. Nobody else offers 28x52 Levi's.
Todd filled that need out of necessity too. He stands 6'9" and weighs 135 lbs.
R.I.P. Precious
It is sad news this morning readers.
Sir Olivier Pennssillthinn has reported to us that his beloved little dog, Precious, has finally passed.
Precious, 22, was always entered in the World's Ugliest Animal competition.
But The Ugly Animal Preservation Society always thought the blobfish was uglier.
"They never saw her lack of beauty and horrible disposition the way I did," said a sad Sir Olivier.
The blobfish was, rightfully, declared ugly in 2013. Pennssillthinn took note and sent pictures every year of Precious being ugly, but nary a mention.
In lieu of cards and flowers, Sir Olivier requests money.
"I'm still making payments on three lawsuits for ankle bites and credit card charges for purchasing the neighbors 14 lawn cushions that Precious destroyed.
New Rules
While we are all familiar with Bill Maher's "New Rules", the new rules each year in professional sports, there are now "New Rules" for kickball.
Six graders Susie Martin and Jeffy Hochstetter have posted a list of the changes for this spring.
"The weather is now to the point that recess can be held outdoors," said Susie, "so we wanted to get out front of this."
"So what we have implemented is that there will be a pitch clock. bigger bases, time-outs for the person who hit a baserunner in the head, we will load the bases to start extra innings, no steel-toed boots or pointy cowboy boots permitted, and you can appeal all umpire calls to the recess monitor," said Jeffy.
Bobby Earl Weaver, 17, pointed out that nobody got to vote on these "new rules".
Bobby Earl was held back a few years.
They Came, They Picked
If you are a regular listener of Bob & Sheri in the mornings, you probably know that The American Pickers are wandering around Ohio.
Well Mike and Danielle spent a day and a half at The Front Yard.
Hazel and JB Front have a backyard that is a 'pickers delight'.
JB is the national sales manager for Hoyt-ClagwellTractors and is on the road 25 days a month.
Hazel spends her days driving the countryside picking and collecting in her vintage 1999 Ford F-450 while dragging a 30 foot flatbed trailer equipped with a winch.
For over 30 years she has been filling the 'back 40 with her collection' and the locals call it the Front Yard even though it's in their backyard.
Mike and Danielle found so much good junk that they called in additional semi trucks and box trucks to take home their haul.
Local cable channel 80 FZNO provided filmed documentation assistance.
When they left, Hazel said, "now I have some room to move around a bit."
"We had a tough time coming to an agreement on some things. Hazel really knows the value of collectible and unique junk," Mike said.
When word got out that Danielle was in town, she spent the better part of day two taking selfies with the old men of the county.
Drinks On Clete
Pete and Clete (who's put on some weight) Sweeney are volunteer workers at all major golf events and have done so for years.
The party always seems to gravitate to wherever they are after the day's round has been completed.
Well last night was one for the ages.
Clete hit a very big DraftQueens Parlay +1.
Clete bet that someone over 40 would be the first round leader (Justin Rose is 44)
He bet that someone over 40 would card an eagle (Fred Couples put one in the hole from 191 yards on #14).
Clete also wagered that Scottie Scheffler would make a putt over 60 feet. (Scottie made a 62-foot birdie putt on the par-3 fourth hole. This putt was particularly notable as it was his second birdie of the round and the only hole at Augusta National where he had previously not made a birdie).
But the bet quintupled because Clete's +1 bet that someone would relieve themselves in Rae's Creek. (The amateur Jose Louis Ballester did just that at the 12th).
Players, their wives & girlfriends, and caddies were all up late drinking on Clete's tab. Jake Trout and the Flounders played til well after midnight.
You will be able to tell who was there by their scores today.
Biz News
Steinbuckle's Transportation in Baltic has announced that they are expanding their buggy business.
"Along with an 'uber' like call for a buggy ride, I have entered into an agreement with Berkshire Hathaway, the owners of Netjets," said Charlie Steinbuckle.
"Their company has the forward-thinking leadership, proven business model, and a legacy of operational excellence that should uphold our superior programs and inspire untold possibilities in the buggy rental sector," added Steinbuckle, "at least that's what the interweb says."
"That Berkshire Hathaway company seems successful, so I thought I'd hook up with them on a trial basis," concluded Charlie.
More information can be found on the company's website: www.derbuggy.bumper
Morning Surprise
Local retiree Royal Hawkenbra woke up Friday morning to find quite an oddity in his front yard.
"I knew it had to have been placed there overnight, because I know dang well that it wasn't there when I went to bed Thursday," said Royal.
What was there is an item that made quite a full circle journey.
What Royal has is an Extreme Climate Spring Loaded Chark Coupler. These are manufactured at the Chark Fabrication Plant out on the highway in the industrial park.
The ECSLCC is used on space shuttles. There's 50 that are supposed to be discarded just before re-entry into the earth's atmosphere, thus becoming space junk.
"Sometimes they stick on too long," said Charlie Chark, inventor and company President. "When that happens they fall to earth. This is the first time one fell so close to a house though. And what's really wild is it fell within 2 miles of where it was made."
When asked what he's going to do with his 'find', Hawkenbra said he does have options.
"Maybe sell it on ebay, or I might start a roadside tourist stand so visitors can take pictures and selfies. I might just wrap it in bubble wrap and let the kids fight over it later," he offered. "My first thought was to donate it to the lodge. We'd be the only lodge that has one, I think."
Local cable channel 80 FZNO is planning a special.
This isn't the first interesting item Royal has found, his garage is full.
The neighbor ladies say he has good junk.
Not Again
Seems every four or 5 years someone comes across a rock that is valuable and it makes big news.
Well it's happened again.
Michelle Starr, the obviously award winning Head Journalist for ScienceAlert.com, has reported that a Romanian woman found a pretty stone in a creek and took it home and used it as a doorstop.
It was worth over 1 million dollars.
News like this only motivates the locals to have their rocks checked.
Local County Rock Commissioner, Alejandro Miller, says his office has been busy.
"Yep, the staff and I are swamped from the moment the office opens every morning," said Alejandro.
"We've had to put a limit of five rocks per box, and one box per person," he continued. "It's understandable, but highly unlikely that anyone locally would possess a gemstone."
One guy did have a small meteorite once, he traded it for a used Kirby Sweeper.
Bengals Could Leave
In shocking news this morning,Men's Journal is reporting that the Cincinnati Bengals could be on the move.
The probably future award winning writer Kevin Harrish notes that while they are negotiating with the county, other locations could be under consideration.
This is big news here because the Fresno Economic Development Office has confirmed that they are in "preliminary talks" with the Brown family that owns the Bengals.
"Other than flood plain issues, infrastructure upgrades, inadequate bonding capabilities and being Cleveland Browns territory, we think Fresno could be a good fit," said office manager Harold Barton.
Expect local debate on this issue at your coffee clubs, golf courses, and churches.
A Bit Windy
As we all know, only because Gertrude here in the fresnOnion newsroom told us, an orchestra without strings is a "Wind Band".
And as we all know, the world famous Fresno Wind Band is about to embark on their 58th season.
And as we all know, the weekend after tax day is set aside for tryouts. We don't know why it's traditionally on this weekend, but that's how they set their calendar.
Particularly of note this season is who will replace Horvath Eagleton at First Chair Triangle. And, will that person keep the tradition of playing a beryllium copper triangle?
Eagleton joined that 'big philharmonic in the sky' over the winter. He was a founding member of the Fresno Wind Band and was adamant about keeping the violins out.
"Nothing wrong with a stand-up bass, but just don't open that door," he was quoted.
The first concert will be in honor of Horvath and will be titled: A Triangle Is As Good As A Cowbell To A Deaf Donkey.
And as we all know, a good conductor is necessary for the success of any orchestra, philharmonic or band. We'll let you know when one has been located.
And as we all know, tariffs are causing everything to go up so membership prices went up this year to $11.99.
All information on the schedule, guests, themes and featured alcohol can be found at: www.amightywind.toot
Dancing Competition Begins
The first of 3 qualifiers for the National Jitterbug Swing & Jive Championship began last night at the Miller's Dip Grange Hall.
The evening got off to a very nice start as the dance teams warmed up to the house band Sleepy Calloway and his Hootin' Zoots popular original: "Hotcha Mamma".
The second tune, Choo Choo Ch'boogie, was halted midway as Delores DeLuca twisted her ankle.
The third song of the night barely got started as both Glenn and Myrtle Swindermann pulled a hamstring.
The last number of the evening was Jumpin' at the Woodside. This brought out all the moves from the remaining contestants.
Bobbi Jo and Billy Mac Geracci were crowned the evening's winner and will move on to the regionals in two weeks.
"They are the perfect jitterbug couple," said Celebrity Judge Felix Cavalier. "She is so diminutive and he so wonderfully portly that they sync exceptionally."
"Billy Mac provides such a large platform for their 'backroll and glide' move and his low center of gravity is an envious routine," concluded Cavalier during his interview on Cable Channel 80 FZNO.
The evening also set a record for number of EMS calls at eight, mostly for minor injuries. But there was one concussion as lanky JimmieDale Gilroy slipped the grip of Lucy Looper and went down like a cartoon. Some thought it part of their sequence as he tried to right himself for nearly 15 seconds before going down.
Lucy says he'll be alright but JimmieDale will be fitted with a padded hairpiece for the next time.
The ladies of the church served Jägerbombs.
All Are Back
The Tuscarawas Valley/Coshocton Basin Advisory Panel for Turkey Vulture Observation has reported to the Governor that all communities are at full wake.
"The count was finalized this past weekend and we are happy that their migration back home is complete," said Panel chair Ollie Infree.
"As is the history, the Fresno pack was the first in, while the Zoarville family was the last," Infree noted.
With that news, mild spring temperatures are expected within the next 7 days.
Time to til the garden.
Jr. Golf Clinic
The Lake Lila Golf and Country Club has announced that Paige Spiranic will conduct a clinic for youngsters this June.
On Mondays she will instruct the 8-12 year old girls. This age group for boys will be on Tuesdays.
Wednesday sessions are for the 13-17 year old girls.
There are no openings for the 13-17 year old boys as this class sold out in eight minutes.
Bobby Joe Burrass, The Director of Golf, says he is really looking forward to watching Paige.
Glenn Zickenfoos, General Manager, said he's had a lot of dads calling to offer their assistance.
Intern Fired
Maybelle Hanratty, who lives in the old Almat Mansion at the end of Almat cul-de-sac says some recent home improvements went wrong.
"I like to get these things done in the winter months, so I was having the ballroom ceiling redone," explained Maybelle.
"I hired the usually reliable Archie Linklighter, but he had a young guy helping that was supposed to hang the ceiling drywall."
Archie admitted that the young man did not follow instructions and used a nail gun instead of drywall screws.
"I shoulda been there, but went to the winter golf show in Columbus instead," admitted Arch.
Every 4x8 sheet - all 200 of them - fell during the night.
Linklighter Drywall Co. is looking for help today. Message him on his MyFaceSpace page.
Biz History
Today is National Rubber Eraser Day.
We here in the fresnOnion newsroom thought it appropriate to recognize a now defunct company that was part of our rich business fabric for decades.
The Fresno Rubber Company operated from 1902 to 1992. This company was the source of every eraser on No. 2 pencils that we all used in school.
That was their only contract and ultimately the reason for closing. When NAFTA was enacted, that "giant sucking sound" you heard included their contract with the No. 2 Pencil Company.
The 100 employees that worked three shifts were out of a job. The fallout was catastrophic. Rallies were held, letters written, and MEHA merchandise created.
"We urged the president to 'Make Erasers Here Again'," said local community organizer Mary Alice Jurrickson. "I still have that orange hat and tee-shirt."
The 600,000 sq. ft. building now houses a flea market.
Words For Rory
After the broadcast ended Sunday when Rory McIlroy won the Masters, there was an emergency meeting of The Otterbein Vocabulary Restoration Club.
Club Advisor Wilomena Levengood said the members thought the announcers were a bit "stale" in their praise of Rory's accomplishment.
So their list of words to be reintroduced into our daily lexicon are:
Bawcock
Wag
Fairhead
Bricky
Pippin
Lummy
The students also went as far as to recommend some phrases:
"bang up to the elephant"
"butter upon bacon"
"now you're cookin'"
that shot "takes the eggs"
"Maybe next time JIm Nantz needs to extol and laud he'll remember these," said Levengood.