Tense Times
Last night's town council meeting did not go very smoothly.
Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe was on the hot seat all evening.
Trupe had submitted his nephew, Dewey Trupe, for appointment to the position of "Deputy Constable".
Dewey is the legendary right tackle for the local semi-pro football team. He switched from the left side position when the famous left handed quarterback Jim Zorn joined the team.
The town council members all had issues with Dewey's size, he weighs 405 pounds.
"He eats too much", "he is too big", "he can't run down crooks" and "he is not a good image" were just some of the epithets slung at the portly young man.
"I have not gained a pound since my sophomore year of high school," noted Trupe who is now 32.
"I promise to not eat more than five meals a day."
Bo Ling the owner of Bo Ling's Chinese Buffet told council members that Dewey is banned from his establishment.
"Sometimes it ok to fire customer," declared a defiant Ling.
After numerous attempts to break a 2-2 tie, Dewey withdrew his name from consideration and decided to just keep his job as the Head Chef at Dirty Sal's Pizza Pie and Pasta Emporium.
Sal promised to renovate the kitchen and widen the isles.
The only other item on the evening's agenda was the appropriation of $234,444 for feral cat control.
PTO Welcomes Famous Duo
The Fresno PTO will feature Calvin and Hobbes tonight at the monthly meeting for parents and teachers.
The pair will speak on the importance of fighting, wrestling, creative thought, independence, language, self esteem, experimentation, boredom, hurtling down hills in sleds and wagons, throwing things, and golf.
Calvin will demonstrate the "transmogrifier". A nominal $5 'courtesy fee' will be collected for parents that want to place their child in one.
The ladies of the church will have a cash bar.
Doors open at 6:30 with the program slated to begin sometime thereafter....8ish or so.
Great Idea
Hot off of the revelation that she uses analog to cleanse and purge some digital affectations, The Rachel Maddow Study has begun at Strasburg State University.
Maddow told Lawrence O'donnell last night that she gets her record player and long playing albums out for just the right treatment.
This morning the Sociology and Psychology Department at SSU released a statement on their intended research.
"Because our world is so digitized and Rachel identified this need, our students have been up all night creating the paradigm for how we will proceed," said Department Chairman Dr. Phillipe deGrommet.
"Not only will the LP be utilized, we will also look at how 8-track tapes of Roger Whiticker music, VHS reruns of Gilligan's Island, writing with a pencil, utilizing a typewriter for letters to be sent through the US Postal System can help one de-digitize their lives," Dr. deGrommet offered.
Dr. deGrommet said that as they fine tune the study, the students will introduce the rotary telephone, a thermometer, rabbit ears for television reception and a Kodak camera to each subject's life.
The research is made possible by a grant from The Amish.
Swanson Gets Hired
About three and half years ago the Fresno Visitor and Convention Bureau disbanded because of the lack of hotel and convention space.
Ever since then the most active committee member, Gloria Swanson, has been sending out resumes.
Those efforts have finally paid off.
The island of Anholt (Denmark) has hired her to create and manage their visitor bureau.
"We were just so impressed with her tireless endeavor to bring attention to Fresno," said search committee chairman Vigo Jensen.
Swanson said in the interview she talked about creating a dog show, a Texas style BBQ cook off, a world class zoo, and a golf course to the island that is seven miles long and 4 miles wide.
Swanson also indicated that her companion Harold Amos will stay here with their 9 dogs.
And So It Begins
After taking last month to reorganize and set monthly meeting dates, the local government association committee met last evening.
The first order of business ended up being the only item on the agenda, that of deporting all of the cats.
"We have it on good authority that the local townships are sending us their worst, their undesirables, their problematic cats," said chairwoman Heloise Hinton, "especially that town up north."
"This is unprecedented, heartless, cruel and mean," said local feline rescue volunteer Halle Berrymore.
In a compromise move, it was agreed that "only the Toms" will be sent back across the border first.
Supporters of both sides outside the chambers didn't clash, just called each other names.
Early Spring
Regardless of what Punxsutawney Phil or Buckeye Chuck says, according to Fresno Freddie, spring is just around the corner.
The oldest and most accurate marmota monax weather prognosticator, Fresno Freddie, did not see his shadow this morning.
This forecast was confirmed as Peas Brooke (Nova Scotia) Pepe emerged in the darkened morning. The groundhog, or siffleux as know among French Canadians in eastern Canada, has the same record as Fresno Freddie.
The only time our groundhog was wrong was in 2021, he had covid.
The early spring means a lot to the local economy. Lawn and garden activities, little league baseball and golf will start soon.
Playdates Resume
Fresno Kennels will begin their popular "Playful Pooch" sessions beginning Monday.
"We're not changing a thing, the policies and protocols we have seem to make everyone happy," said Kennel owner Petunia Chubb.
Chubb suspends the "Playful Pooch" sessions between Thanksgiving week and the end of January.
"Not only is that time used for maintenance and repair of the facilities, I can decompress a bit too," laughed Petunia.
The play date schedule is as follows:
Mondays - 2-10 lb. dogs
Tuesdays - 11-25 lb. dogs
Wednesdays - 26 lbs. and over
Thursdays are for those concerned with their pups' self esteem and worried about diversity, equity and inclusion. So if you want your yappy little Yorkie to run with the big dogs, then Thursdays are open sessions. All owners will be required to sign a waiver and indemnification paper.
Fresno Kennels is located over the hill, around the bend and down the lane from Clapboard Cemetery.
The "Playful Pooch" playdate sessions are partially funded by grant from the Tally/Fancy/Lucy/Henry/Desi Foundation.
More information can be found online at: www.dogsonlynocats.bark
Fresno, Oh
"...the hippest village east of Marfa, Tx...."
News From The Arts
In a stunning and unprecedented move, The Pete Ames Carry-out and Concert Hall in Chili has made a long term entertainment commitment.
Hank Strambleton and The Vapid Pedestrians have been inked to anchor the 2025 concert season at the storied venue.
Strambleton and his backing musicians have recreated The Pat Boone Chevy Showroom as a tribute to the legendary crooner, complete with a big sign.
The variety show format will also feature lookalike and soundalike performances by Andy Williams, Pearl Bailey, Johnny Mathis, and Perry Como to name just a few.
"We've spared no expense this year," said facility manager Marcus Miller. "We want to reward our patrons and guaranteeing that this type of top notch event will return each month is doing just that. We even commissioned a big sign."
Hank Strambleton and The Vapid Pedestrians Pat Boone Tribute will perform each night for the last 14 days of February and each month for a 4 day stint throughout the year.
Strambleton's wife, Hannahbelle, will manage the coat check and gummy counter.
More information on tickets, loge reservations and season memberships can be found at: www.chilibehoppin.trip
Even More News You Are Advised To Disregard
February February February February February February February
Dancing Competition Begins
The first of 3 qualifiers for the National Jitterbug Swing & Jive Championship began last night at the Miller's Dip Grange Hall.
The evening got off to a very nice start as the dance teams warmed up to the house band Sleepy Calloway and his Hootin' Zoots popular original: "Hotcha Mamma".
The second tune, Choo Choo Ch'boogie, was halted midway as Delores DeLuca twisted her ankle.
The third song of the night barely got started as both Glenn and Myrtle Swindermann pulled a hamstring.
The last number of the evening was Jumpin' at the Woodside. This brought out all the moves from the remaining contestants.
Bobbi Jo and Billy Mac Geracci were crowned the evening's winner and will move on to the regionals in two weeks.
"They are the perfect jitterbug couple," said Celebrity Judge Felix Cavalier. "She is so diminutive and he so wonderfully portly that they sync exceptionally."
"Billy Mac provides such a large platform for their 'backroll and glide' move and his low center of gravity is an envious routine," concluded Cavalier during his interview on Cable Channel 80 FZNO.
The evening also set a record for number of EMS calls at eight, mostly for minor injuries. But there was one concussion as lanky JimmieDale Gilroy slipped the grip of Lucy Looper and went down like a cartoon. Some thought it part of their sequence as he tried to right himself for nearly 15 seconds before going down.
Lucy says he'll be alright but JimmieDale will be fitted with a padded hairpiece for the next time.
The ladies of the church served Jägerbombs.