Excluded, Part II
It seems yesterday's story about the very, very exclusive local Lake Lila Golf and Country Club hit a nerve.
Most voicemails, texts, and instaDMs here in the fresnOnion newsroom were negative.
"snobs", "arrogant *%&^$", and "hoity,toity" were commonly used.
However, alert reader Steve, who plays a lot of golf and has a nice truck, asked about the procedure to become a member.
While we can't divulge everything on the membership committee's checklist, we can offer some advice.
If you are invited to be considered, you will first be asked to play eighteen holes with three members.
In the past gentlemen were rejected for wearing knickers, acting like Chi Chi when they made a putt, playing with Ram Accubars and their bag was rectangular and plaid.
Others were removed from consideration because they did not buy a round after playing, used vulgar language in front of the lady on the beverage cart, and did not fix their divots in the fairway or pitch marks on the greens.
It is not advisable to talk politics, religion or disparage Red Meyers - a founding member.
Finally, you must be a member of another golf club, have a letter of recommendation and be asked to join Lake Lila Golf and Country Club.
One doesn't apply.
Freebie
Snuffy Waldorf called and wanted us to remind everyone that he was still in business. (editor's note: Snuff never wants to buy an ad to promote his business. He says there's no proof that it works).
Snuffy said that his Texaco ".... still offers full service to his customers, something you don't find hardly anywheres else!"
Along with pumping gas, cleaning the windows, emptying the ashtray, checking the brake lights, complimenting the missus, he now has ODOT Approved free air for the tires!
Waldorf's Texaco is located out on the old state route that was abandoned when the new one was built in 1962.
Public Service Announcement
Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe woke us up from a sound sleep last night around 8 o'clock. He wanted us to let everyone know in the listening area that petitioners will be knocking on the doors this weekend.
The petition that is being circulated is part of a nationwide effort to eliminate the unnecessary "Pleasantries, Greetings and Salutations" in today's communications environment.
Spokesperson Margo Aloqua says that they figured everyone would be home watching the US Open and should be able to get plenty of signatures.
"I just think that every "how are you?", "you doin' good?", and "we'll talk soon" can stop!," lamented Aloqua.
"Not to mention the unnecessary texts of some stupid emoji to punctualize every message, just drives me nuts!"
Trupe did confirm that the group has registered with his office and paid the solicitation fee of $10,000.
We here in the fresnOnion newsroom received word that Pete and Clete (who's put on a little weight) Sweeney have finally arrived in Southampton.
Our local freelance sports reporters headed out last Sunday for the short drive over, but numerous minor breakdowns to their new VW camper van delayed their arrival.
"We've been working on this thing for five years and thought it was ready for a road trip," said Clete. "Guess we were wrong."
"We were in constant contact with Kevin (Hammer, USGA President) and told him we would let him know if we couldn't make it by the first tee time Thursday," said Pete.
The longtime volunteers have been assigned their duties for the US Open being played at Shinnecock Hills Golf Club on Long Island, NY.
Pete will again hold the shot tracer with Scottie Scheffler's group and Clete will again police the Scottie Scheffler parking spot.
Clete, referring to the Valhalla incident, says "never again, not on my watch."
This is Page 6 folks, do we really need to publish a disclaimer.....?
Finally
After years of inviting, recruiting, cajoling and nothing short of begging, we are finally getting a Bougie Gourmet Ristorante.
Every town that thinks they are hip has one.
And now we do.
Instead of driving for 150 miles in any direction to celebrate that special evening, locals can now drive out to the intersection of the new bypass and the good county road.
The BG renovated the former Clemmy's Disco/Line Dancing Hall.
Our very own BG Ristorante is taking reservations. The earliest a table is available is in November.
Visit their website at: www.youllreallypay.snoot
Another Freebie
Our story the other day about Snuffy wanting a little free publicity for his Texaco station has started something we don't know how to stop.
Malcolm Morton rang us up here in the fresnOnion newsroom and wanted a "shout out".
The old editor had to ask what a "shout out" was.
Malcolm said that he now has another rug for sale.
He'd been out of stock for 4 months because he had to spend the profit from his last rug sale on his membership out at the Lake Lila Golf and Country Club.
But Morton's Rug is open for anyone that wants to see his rug when his truck is parked out front.
Malcolm stocks one rug at a time, says he doesn't want the inventory to get out of hand.
Morton's Rug is located out on the expressway right after the dangerous intersection.
editor's note: Malcolm is a distant relative to the Morton family that has had some success in the salt business.
Excluded
The very popular website Veranda.com has compiled a list of the top 13 golf courses that most will never get to play.
The story was written by the probably celebrated and decorated writer, Kelsey Mulvey.
Our local, very exclusive Lake Lila Golf and Country Club did not make that list.
While it is difficult to obtain an invitation to play as a guest and membership is limited, there are three "member-3 guest events throughout the year.
We here in the fresnOnion newsroom urge you to make friends with a member because you'll not find finer conditions anywhere.
We suspect that the Lake Lila Golf and Country Club was #14 on the list and it got cut by a non golfing editor.
Excluded, Pt. III
Today's story is more of a plea than anything else.
On behalf of the entire staff, including interns, office support personnel, and even the cleaning lady, please STOP telling us about being denied membership in the Lake Lila Golf and Country Club!
Our phones are blowing up, the tape has run out on the answering machine and we can't even shop at the Pic-N-Pay without being forced to hear your weary story.
A sample:
"I was in, then they met my wife..."
"I thought we were playing friendly golf and picked up a putt that was on the lip, the member reported my infraction to the committee...."
"I was told that the golf shoes with metal spikes and flaps over the laces that I wore on the putting green got me excluded even before I played. I was on their property for 15 minutes..."
"I was kept out because I didn't see the NO Cell Phones, IPADS, Range Finders, or GPS Allowed!! sign..."
"I was told that 'Lake Lila Golf and Country Club would never have a member that wore a stroke counter on his wrist'..."
We here in the fresnOnion newsroom figure that by the volume of communiques we've had on the subject, memberships could triple if they'd only lighten up a bit.
A.A.
The Ohio Chapter of the Abductees Anonymous will hold their monthly meeting at the Village Centre Civic Hall in Fresno this Wednesday.
The topic for discussion will be: Are they really green, or is that the only color of lightbulb they have?
Also on the agenda is this year's Abduction Gala.
Wyatt Cenac has agreed to attend as the honoured guest for his 20 episode documentary, People of Earth.
Anyone who has been taken up or suspects that they've been in their "probe room" is invited to attend.
There will be no sign in sheet or name tags. Masks are optional.
Social hour starts at 7 and the meeting will be called to order by someone at 8.
The ladies of the church will serve drinks.
Fresno, Ohio
the hippest village east of Marfa, Texas
Band Camp
Well it seems that the upstart Todd Rundgren Band Camp is quite the success.
While at a U.S. Open watch party Saturday afternoon many of us here at the fresnOnion overheard quite a few parents lauding the summer activity.
"My child has never slept sounder and longer than this past week," was a common, satisfying acknowledgement.
The Todd Rundgren Band Camp summer long theme is "Bang On The Drum All Day". And that is what they do.
The exquisitley organized day begins with all campers starting with the Marching Drums: Marching Snare, Multi-toms and the Marching Bass Drum.
The next session. the HandDrums : Djembe, Congas, Bongos, and Cajón.
After a quick lunch break the students move on to the Orchestral Drums: the Tympani and the Concert Bass Drum.
The eight hour day winds up with each child getting a 15 minute Virtual Reality lesson on the drum kit that is set up in the concert hall.
Each lesson that has been created by Artificial Intelligence, is from Buddy Rich, Gene Krupa, Jack DeJonnette, John Bonham, Keith Moon, Ginger Baker, Clyde Stubblefield, Louis Bellson or Mel Lewis.
A recital has been scheduled for the day before school begins.
For more information or to get your child on a waiting list for next summer go to:www.dontwannawork.com