Local Heroes

There is a picture that is going viral locally of Pete and Clete Sweeney's Ohio State Flag that they planted in Dave Portnoy's yard.

Portnoy is a  Meechigan fan and has been all over the tube, radio, and interweb with his pro-UofM opinions.

"Yea, we drove as fast as we could.  When it was obvious that the Bucks would win we headed toward Nantucket," said Pete who drove as Clete can't get behind the wheel of their Pinto (he's put on a little weight).

"While I put up the flag, Pete scribbled 'Ryan Day lives here rent free'  on an empty Keystone Light 24 pack box," said Clete.

While we here in the fresnOnion newsroom neither condone or condemn flag planting, we think the headline speaks for itself.

Pete and Clete should be back in time for the Browns game today.

Lengthy Meeting

Last night's town council meeting lasted much longer than usual.

"Yea, we usually get our business conducted in a half an hour, but tonight's debate kept us here for nearly three hours," said council president Homer Grabbsum.

The topic that caused such emotional testimony from the throngs was the item on the agenda to ban The Elderly Christy Minstrels from singing Christmas Carols this season.

The crowd was equally divided on the issue.  

"They can't carry a tune worth a lick" was countered with "They aren't hurting anyone" arguments.

Over 300 took to the public podium to share their views.

Finally President Grabbsum tabled the motion until next week.

"The council members and I needed to get home to dinner," said Homer after adjourning and on his way out the door.

Watch this space next week for more coverage on this volatile matter. 

February        February        February         February        February       February

march    MARCH    March   March    March

Written For Television

Local Cable Channel 80 FZNO and FZNO+, the overpriced streaming service, are announcing that they've procured the rights to a new television series.

Watching Dave Barry's Stories  is a new concept in the made for tv  genre.

The AI department at Strasburg State University has re-created some of the most entertaining columns from 1983-2005.

Those were the years that Barry wrote a syndicated column for The Miami Herald.

"We purchased the rights after watching the first two pilot episodes," said FZNO content VP Herman McElhandy.

The first episode recreates the time a fireman caught a baby being tossed from a burning apartment building without even "calling for the infield fly rule".  The writers who are in charge of adapting the narrative for television used some creative license. They added that the fireman was a former punt returner and instinctively raised his hand calling for a 'fair catch'.

The second pilot episode brings to the screen the time some local government officials in the pacific northwest decided to dynamite a dead beached whale.  The idea was to blow the whale into smaller pieces for the seagulls to eat.

The "must see TV" part is when the onlookers realized they weren't far enough away from the bloody blubber.  "Truly hilarious" chortled McElhandy.

Watching Dave Barry's Stories airs Sundays when FZNO's coverage of the Northwest Territories Golf Tour concludes. 

Rumor or Fact?

We here at the fresnOnion don't usually report on the unsubstantiated tittle-tattle that comes out of the local coffee klatches, but this one warrants further attention.

After the holidays, our interns, our full-time staff and relatives have all been talking about Buc-ees developing a major complex at Cavallo.

We have assigned this story to our Senior Investigative Reporter Willis Stargell, so keep an eye on this space.

A quick drive-by did reveal some survey stakes in the ground near the intersection of TR 365 and 368.

Local resident Bo Haney said he'd heard it too. 

"Would be ok I guess, we really haven't had anything happening since the canals went out," he surmised.

2026 Predictions

This has become a fun story over the years.

Madame Yoraninni,  the elderly fortune teller who operates out of her living room, has released her annual predictions for the coming year.

Our very own local psychic predicts:

* Patty Hearst will disappear, again

* The Browns will make the playoffs

* Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe will retire.

* Clete Sweeney will continue to put on weight.

* There will be a mild mishap at the Hot Air Balloon Races, but no injuries.

* Taylor Swift will break up with Travis Kelce.

* Local music trio, Zeke 'N Eddy, will get a recording contract.

* Billy Joel will not perform at the Pete Ames Concert Hall and Carry-out in Chili.

* There will be a severe drought this summer causing the Mighty White Eyes Creek to run dry.

* Local egg producer Pat Tee will reconcile with her estranged husband Ernest Tee.

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom checked her "10 point prediction list" from last year, she was zero for 10.  Also, she has predicted that Constable Trupe will retire for the past 15 years.

Have a good year.

Also, Madame Yoraninni  is booked until mid July.

A Very Important Day

Today is National Disc Jockey Day.

Our best friend, Amy Monette over at the National Day Calendar, reminds the world of this.

However we here in Fresno not only know this, but celebrate accordingly.

The Fresno DJ Hall of Fame induction ceremony tonight, at the White Eyes Township Convocation Center, will welcome Mr. William Gable into the fold.

Gable, on air, was known as "Brown Sugar Brother Bill" at CKLW in Windsor, Ontario.

The sold out event begins at 6pm.  Dr. Johnny Fever will again MC.  After Brother Bill's acceptance speech, he will be presented with the prestigious Broken Headphone Trophy.

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom recommend you watch I AM WHAT I PLAY, a four thumbs up documentary.

Also Pirate Radio is nothing but fun. We just discovered a deleted scene that gives the meaning to life! (click here)

Wherever you are, be sure to call the local DJ and request something weird, like Alice's Restaurant or Mood Indigo or Franklin County Woman or.....

Lesson Learned

Well we are back up and running here in the fresnOnion newsroom.

An unscheduled 4 day shutdown occurred when one of the new interns couldn't resist a click-bait headline.  The entire computer system locked up.

What happened was she couldn't avoid the headline: You Won't Believe What Happened When Jon Hamm Mixed A Gallon of Vinegar With.......

"I was curious" she explained.

So the editor had to call in IT help and hired an internet consultant to lecture the employees and develop a policy handbook.

A New Menu

The Fabulous Circular Restaurant located on 'top of the rock' is promoting their new menu.

The Top of the Rock rotating restaurant is perched on top of Standing Rock  in Pearl, Ohio.

Head Chef Chevaulier Battenbern says he's changing things up a bit.

"I brought my entire sous chef team with me six months ago, but the locals requested a few additions," said Battenbern.

Now every Wednesday will be Hot Dog Night.  

"We'll have jumbo all-beef dogs with assorted scratch-made sauces, including coney, sauerkraut or chopped onion in a vinegar/ketchup sauce," noted the chef. "My team will boil, broil, grill, pan fry or deep fry your dogs."

Every Saturday will be Seafood Night.

"We've contracted with Treetop Crop Dusting and Special Delivery Aviators to fly in fresh fish, clams, shrimp and oysters from a supplier out of Morey's Pier on Wildwood Island in New Jersey," promised Chevaulier.

Reservations are required.

The silent owner of Top of the Rock would like to remind everyone that his restaurant is not ADA compliant as it is a "walk up."  He did promise delivery to your car for take away orders.  

February Fridays

Chef Milton at the Tie-Dyed Lotus Resort in Baltic has announced a rather interesting dining idea for next month.

"Each Friday in February I will feature a menu with food named after locales," said Chef Milton.

"For instance on the 6th, you can choose Yucatan Shrimp or Chicago Deep Dish Pizza as an entree. Boston Cream Pie or Baked Alaska will be the dessert choices," said the popular Chef.

He noted that other selections next month will include Coney Island Hot Dogs, New York Strip Steak, Frankfurter, Beijing Duck, Buffalo Wings, Philly Cheesesteak, Belgian Waffles and of course Yorkshire Pudding.

"Don't forget the beverages", he noted: Manhattan, Singapore Sling, Brooklyn, and Moscow Mule will be priced at two for the price of three.

The slightly older ladies here in the fresnOnion newsroom prefer Long Island Iced Tea.

Reservations are always a must at the locally popular 1.5 star Tie-Dyed Lotus Resort.

Performance Review

One of our brightest interns in the Arts and Culture Department here at the fresnOnion is Ambrose Booker, III.

Ambrose asked if he could attend and write a review of last night's pop-up hootenanny at the Miller's Dip Grange Hall.

You will recall that a rare appearance in this area of The Scurrilous Truth  was on tap.

We told Ambrose to keep it brief as we operate on limited space.

Here is his review:

They were billed as this generation's J. Geils Band.  I have every album of that iconic band out of Worcester, Mass.

I am familiar with the area because my cool uncle Billy lives there.  He has supplied me with every east coast rock band Long Playing record from 1962-1979.  (He says rock died at the end of the '70s).

I am here to tell you that The Scurrilous Truth lived up to their billing.  Especially their "tribute set" of an extended version of the classic Where Did Our Love Go?, the Donnie Elbert hit that was covered by the Supremes and J. Geils.

The set then segued into Devil's Gun that we all recall was by CJ and Company. These boys stretched Devil's Gun out to 19 minutes.

The "tribute set" ended with the Geil's roof-raisin' Whammer Jammer/Hard Drivin Man.  What set this one off was when the drummer Ethan Corman came out front with his harmonica and joined the band's horn and harmonica player, Remy Ralston for a mouth harp duel for the ages.

All in all, the evening was awesome, as was the beer. If you ever get a chance to try the Lewisville Lager do so.  Also get tickets to The Scurrilous Truth, you'll go home exhausted.

Today We Play

December 28th,  The day perfectly situated between Christmas and New Years Eve/Day.  The day we play cards.

Many for miles around will be travelling to the Fresno Community Centre for the popular celebration of National Card Playing Day.

The history of the day is sketchy, as are some players as evidenced by the banning of Maude and Joey Scheinbloom.  The couple was caught in a sophisticated "blinking" scandal 4 years ago while defending their Euchre title.

Local event organizer Harry Rozier, says there will be a section set for Euchre, Hausey, Spades, Hearts, Bridge Pinochle and Canasta.

A section for two players to compete at Piquet, , Whist, Golf, Gop, Gin and Rummy.

One big table for the two deck game of 'beatnik rum' will be filled on a first come, first served basis, so get there early.

During the halftime lunch break, there will be a special game of TEGWAR for all first time attendees. Then a showing of the scene in Bang The Drum Slowly where they play TEGWAR.  Always a treat to watch the newbie's faces.  Instant viral on the interweb moments.

The ladies of the church will tend to the drinks and snacks.

Doors open at 11am, shuffling begins promptly at 11:59.

Rozier reminds all who attend of his intricate closed circuit monitoring cameras.  

"We don't cotton to cheats," he said with a toothpick in his mouth.

Study Results Released 

A three year study conducted by the A&M Department at Strasburg State University  has some surprising data.

"The study we conducted was for the purpose of determining how music affects the milk production of dairy cattle," said Agriculture and Music Department Chairman Dr. Able Durham.

The study has determined that the milk production increased when there was New Age/Easy Listening Jazz piped into the parlor.

"Over the 3 years when the ladies were being milked while listening to Grover Washington, Jr., Earl Klugh, Spyro Gyra, etc. they produced 5% more milk," noted Durham.

Also, the Progressive Rock/Head music of the late '60s and early '70s was met with the same 5% increase, the study indicated.

"Music like Brimstone, Pink Floyd, Grateful Dead, and the like," said Able. "I had to loan my collection."

The students also tested:

Blues - Big Fat Dog, Charlie Musslewhite, Gov't Mule, etc. (+4.99%)

Classic Country -George Jones, Ferlin Husky, Gentleman Jim Reeves, etc. (+4.5%)

Yacht Rock- Michael McDonald, Christopher Cross, Toto, etc.  (+4%)

Current Country - Chris Stapleton, Eric Church, Jason Isbell, etc. (+3.8%)

Classic Rock - Uriah Heap, The Who, Zep, etc. (+3.65%)

Heavy Metal - Judas Priest, Legs Diamond, The Godz, etc  (-6%)

Disco - all of it  (-11%)

Rap - (Mixed results as the young heifers liked it but the old girls shut down)

Music that had no effect was Top 40, Adult Contemporary, Latin, Opera. and Techno Pop.

Local milk producer (dairy farmer) Freddie Princehorn says he's sticking with the talk shows as AM radio is "free" and "those special satellite music beams are dangerous for the brain." 

Dr. Durham says The Ohio Egg Producers Association has commissioned the same study for hens. 

Theory Posited

For decades now the wonderment of the "Peruvian holes" has caused quite the round-table discussions.

One of our former interns here at the fresnOnion now proofreads, fact checks, and plans lunches at newatlas.com.

She alerted us to the story about the 5,2000 holes that were dug by ancient Peruvians on the side of a mountain.

Researchers at The University of Sydney think they had something to do with accounting.

But the Advanced Peruvian Studies Department at Strasburg State University has a different take.

"One of our graduate students has translated a passage in a Peruvian father's diary," said Dr. Terrance Hanratty.

That passage lamented the fact that the next day he had to take off work and supervise the juvenile delinquents who were tasked with hole digging.  

The diary also mentioned that he wouldn't make the same mistake as last month when he had to marshall the lawbreakers who were filling the holes a mile back down the hillside. 

He forgot to pack his lunch that day.

Year End Report

The local White Eyes Creek and Tributary Office  has released their end of year report.

"Our reporting year runs from November 1 thru October 31st," says Office secretary Ima Goodlin.

"And we find it amusing that at the same time our report comes out that World Atlas reports the top 5 waterways that have alligators," noted Goodlin.

Florida, Texas, Georgia, Alabama and Louisiana made the top of the list.

"We are very happy to report to the public that the Mighty White Eyes Creek and all of her tributaries are 'alligator free'" said a beaming Ima.

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom applaud the efforts of everyone on the staff at The White Eyes Creek and Tributary Office  for their diligent work each year.  

And we are glad that their 54.9 mil renewal levy passed on Tuesday.  

"The difference between genius and stupidity is: genius has its limits." — Albert Einstein

Lotus Schedule

The Tie-Dyed Lotus  in Baltic, east central Ohio's only 1.5 star resort, has announced their Thanksgiving weekend schedule

On Wednesday, The Lotus  will have their popular annual Chef's Surprise for all three meals.  

"What I do is clean out the coolers utilizing the past 4 days of extra food.  The staff arrange the buffets with very creative casseroles," said Head Chef Milton.

Then on Thursday you will experience the fine dining traditional Thanksgiving Turkey Dinner.

"I smoke, bake, broil and deep fry the turkeys, which are locally sourced," noted Milton.

The 'big screen room' will also be open for those who want to watch the football games and eat on a tv tray.

On Friday, if your high school football season is over, The Turkey Sandwich Special  is always popular.  Bingo starts at 7.

"I think the sandwich is so popular because of how I build it," says Chef.  "I start with a big slice of homemade bread, a thick slice of turkey breast, our own hothouse tomato slice, a layer of fritos and topped with a slice of bread slathered with my very own stadium mustard/mayo/caramelized onion&bacon  jam.  It is good, if I do say so myself."

Saturday's College Football Tailgate Party  will begin at 9am.  The Buckeyes-Wolverines game starts at noon.  All Buckeye fans will gather in the 'big screen room' and Meechigan fans can watch on their phones in the free wi-fi space located in the shed.

The usual Sunday NFL Free Brunch Buffet  runs from 10a to halftime of the early games.  

The Lotus  will close at 3:30.

Information and reservations can be found at www.balticLotus.nap

Quickly Diffused

Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe says he had to use all of his years of experience and negotiating ability to de-escalate the crowd yesterday afternoon.

Trupe was called out to the Conoco Station over on the awful county road.

"When I got there a throng of at least 4 protesters had signs and were marching and chanting 'anti-ICE' slogans that they'd probably learned on television," said Trupe.

"When I explained that it was just an ice truck, delivering bags from the Millersburg Ice Company," they all went home," said the Constable. 

When asked to identify the protesters, Trupe noted that we all know who they are.  

"Same culprits everytime.  The ones who write those wacky letters to the editor, call the talk shows, leave messages on my answering machine.  I deal with them all the time.  Can't go to the grocery mart without one of them approaching me about some conspiracy or a'tother," Rollie lamented.

Think About It

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom are inundated with story ideas and press releases as well as our own extensively sourced news reports.

We debate the merits of each story that makes its way onto our daily page.

Today we will just copy and paste a press release that came in yesterday.  

Remember, we report - you make up your own mind.

For Immediate Release

From: The Office of Conspiracy Theory Creation

RE:  Shedeur Sanders to the Cleveland Browns

The Office of Conspiracy Theory Creation(OCTC) believes that the enterprise known as 'The NFL' collectively agrees that all teams should be equal.

The Cleveland Browns are not very good.

The OCTC  believes that it is the goal of The NFL, that began with Pete Rozelle, for every team to be as good as the next. 

The NFL believes that when there is parity, (on any given Sunday any team can win), the "company" is profitable.  The company sells more merchandise, has more fans, and drives up television revenues.

To that end, the OCTC proffers that The NFL, through its CEO Roger Goodell, convinced all franchise owners that for the Browns to get back to respectability they needed to draft one of the two best quarterbacks available.

Also, it is the opinion of the OCTC  that the Browns should use their early picks on other position players so Goodell instructed the other owners to lay off Sanders, thusly making a first round draft pick available in the fifth round.

The only glitch identified by the OCTC  is that The NFL forgot to tell Mel Kiper. 

                                      -30-

Quite A Feat

Every now and then an accomplishment comes along that makes us truly marvel.

We are still in awe of Cal Ripken playing 2,632 games in a row.  We were there when it started on May 30, 1982...dude was good.

We are still talking about the time my best girl and I saw Usain Bolt run 100 meters in 9.58 seconds..."dude's fast" she said.

We remember when dad handed us the sports page that had Wilt's story about scoring 100 points in a game..."dude's good" he said.

And now, because of the soon to be award winning story, our favorite website and publication 614.now is reporting about Birdie grilling his 1 millionth steak!

Roberto "Birdie" Hernandez is the fabled grill master at Longhorn Steakhouse in Columbus, and what many don't realize is that one of our own has history there.

Clete (who has put on a lot of weight since he and Birdie crossed paths) Sweeney is recognized as the very first person to have consumed one of Birdie's steaks.

"I remember that day," said Clete.  "I was so excited to be the first customer, so I camped out front for 2 days."  

Clete says the steak was so good he insisted on meeting Roberto and a lifelong friendship began.

"He has called me every time a milestone was coming up and served me number one thousand, number 5 thousand, 10 thousand and so on.  He's a good friend," Clete confirmed.

When we here at the fresnOnion contacted the grill king for a comment he said, "Ese güey traga" {"dude can eat."}

For his accomplishment, at a ceremony to mark the event,  Hernandez was given a special chef's coat, a bump in pay and a $30 gift card to Fogo de Chao.

Dr. Noted

Jurisprudence News.

Yesterday's ruling out of the local Justice O'the Peace, Haywood Hale's office, has the country's legal world abuzz.

Hale granted the  request from Sammy Baughman to divorce Bernadette Baughman on the grounds that she is a Flibbertigibbet.

"After Sammy presented his case with over 100 testimonials and then hearing Bernadette's six hour response, I took about 3 minutes to deliberate," said hizzonor.

The discussions overheard at many dining establishments last evening centered on the merits of the case, will there be an appeal, and whether Judge Hale will go on the speaking circuit.

"I guess looking back, I shoulda' considered her being a chronic Flibbertigibbet before I proposed, but couldn't see it because of her other assets," said a resigned Sammy.

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom, will continue to report on this precedent setting judgment.

​Let this case be a warning to all young and in love.

Your Reward

"We know how stressful the Thanksgiving holiday at your house can be, that's why we do this," said Marty Magliori.

Marty's ManSpa has been operating for over ten years now and Black Friday really is a lucrative day for his company.

"We are booked up today, but I have extended the special pricing through Sunday.  I have extra college kids hired."

Marty's ManSpa will completely detail the inside of the car or truck and wash & wax if the vehicle isn't a junker.

"We had the kid's buffer get caught in a big patch of rust the first year, and the gentleman lost his entire fender," noted Marty.

While your vehicle is being serviced, the men can eat from the buffet, watch fantasy football advice, nap, play euchre, or just zone out in the gummie room.

"The stress of entertaining cousins, coming up with small talk, or keeping someone else's toddler from pulling out all of your LPs, can be overwhelming," said a compassionate Marty.  

"That's why we're here." 

Marty's ManSpa doesn't have a receptionist, online appointments only at www.martyisagenius.spa

Defending The Baird

Last Friday, you will recall, we published a story about opening night at The Baird Theatre for Hindenburg - the Musical.

After that, we told you that alert reader Ann inquired about ticket prices.

We then embarrassingly had to admit that a key part of the story was not included, so we did a follow up piece about seating and ticket prices.

Then we received another email from Ann, commenting that the ticket prices were a "bit pricey".   

So we forwarded that email to theatre General Manager, Oswald Penobscoot, for comment. 

We think it is appropriate to copy and paste Penobscoot's response:

Everyone here at the historic Baird Theatre are very proud of the entire entertainment experience that we consistently provide.

Millions of dollars were invested in the renovation which began 4 years ago that was funded with a generous gift from The Michael Stuver Foundation.

We are very proud of the level of entertainment that hits our stage, the quality lighting and sound system, and the clean bathrooms.

We are diligent in the type of employees we have working to meet the every need of our patrons, from the ticket takers, to the ushers, to the cleaning crew, to the food-service personnel.

Each seat in the Front and Middle section is steam cleaned after every performance.  Each seat in the Rear is wiped down weekly. 

Our Valet drivers are required to bathe and use deodorant. We provide clean uniforms daily for each driver.

Our in-house security guards are trained to be friendly, but firm. The parking lots are patrolled and well lit.

While the cost of doing business increases each year, we believe that our pricing structure is appropriate for both the times and the venue.  Our membership numbers as well as ticket sales confirm that belief.

In closing we do hope that Ann finds a theater somewhere that meets her financial expectations.  

I have included some pictures for those who are not familiar with The Baird.

Oswald Penobscoot, General Manager                        The Baird Theatre.

Something Different

Aunty Em's Lunch Stand has just announced that their mornings will be a little different.

Ava Emerson, known to all around here as "Aunty Em", says her breakfast menu will be a Parisian cuisine.

"Yes we have decided to have a 'Bistro Breakfast' here because it just seems that the platter of two eggs, bacon and hash browns has run its course," said Ava.

She says to expect avocado toast, fresh pastries, yogurt & granola, crusty bread, quiche, croque monsieur,  and upscale egg sandwiches. 

Free coffee with every breakfast order, "but you just can' come in and sit expecting free coffee," she noted.

Her famous tea will remain a big draw with every  2-cup teapot priced at $10.

Aunty Em's Lunch Stand is located right next to the post office.  The new breakfast fare corresponds with her opening up the expanded space where her husband Elvis used to have a junk & curio shop.

No worries though as Elvis moved his junk and curio shop across the street where Batt & Stein used to sell insurance.

Just Released

There is a new publication out that should be of local interest.

After sixty years of serving the local women as their beautician, Ernestine Battestein has retired and written a book.

Gleanings:  Stories Clipped From My Parlor is a collection from Ernestine's years of conversation with her customers.

"I won't call them fables, but there are many life lessons in my book," said the famous trichologist.

A preview of the book by our resident intern that specializes in style critique especially mentions the story about the time when "Bill walked home".

"I waited until some ladies passed on before I told their story, and to be honest some are embarrassingly funny," Battestein noted.

Gleanings:  Stories Clipped From My Parlor is available.

Still Leading The Way

Strasburg State University has long been a destination for 'thinkers' worldwide to further their education.

The diverse student body has been responsible for many innovations that have made our universe a better place.

With that in mind, Dr. Beryl Schnellenwaft, Provost at S.S.U. has announced that beginning January 2nd his newest branch for 'thinkers' world wide will be the S.S.U. Institute for Trash.

"We discard, throw away, burn, and flush so much waste everyday that we feel there needs to be some 'thinking' on the matter," said Dr. Schnellenwaft.

"There has to be a re-purpose for Bic razors, plastic milk jugs,  lint, and such," the Provost continued.

The S.S.U. Institute for Trash is made possible by a generous grant from Reggie's Trash Hauling.

The registrar's office will accept applications from now until December 31st. 

If you know a young 'thinker' forward him this notice. We here in the fresnOnion newsroom know you are and old 'thinker' because you are reading this.

Back On Schedule

Liam Susshmael messaged us late last night asking that we let everyone know that he was back on the normal route schedule.

Liam's retirement hobby is building bird feeders.  With each purchase you will get his "refill for life" package, for a nominal fee of $399 per year.

Well it seems that last week's foot of snow put him a little behind.

"I have spent the last six days getting pathways to each bird feeder. I don't shovel snow, that's just stupid.  I dug out the snowshoes and walked on top of the snow....you know, like Canadians," said Liam when we contacted him this morning.

Liam also wanted us to let everyone know that the invoices are in the mail. 

At the end of his voicemail request that he left on our answering machine, Susshmael was walking the phone back to hang up and muttered:  "...maybe now the old ladies will quit calling....." click.

You can see all the bird feeders that he makes at: www.liamfeedsbirds.chirp

A Big Day

Well, we expect this story to get a lot of clicks.

Today is Taylor Swift's  birthday.  

She is 36.

The greater Fresno Area Taylor Swift Fan Club  will again hold a "Swiftie Birthday" celebration in the Village Centre Community Room.

The projection screen on the east wall will be set up for a live video feed from Taylor that is scheduled for around 3pm.

Along with the usual 'look alike' contest there will be the 'swift kick' competition and the 'not too swift' crowning.

The 'swift kick' involves a football and the dunce hat goes to the fan club member who has done or said something daffy this past year.

All fan club members will enter through the west entrance.

All prospective new members will be screened at the main entrance.  To become a new member, one must be able to sing the first line of a Swift song.

Brunch starts at 10:30 and the Swift Karaoke starts at noon.

Local constable Rollie F. Trupe has called surrounding REACT volunteers to help with crowd control. 

Note:  The investigative journalists here at the fresnOnion are working on the rumor that Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce will be wed in the Pete Ames Carryout and Concert Hall in Chili,  and will honeymoon at the Tie Dyed Lotus in Baltic.

Second Communique

You should recall that we reported to you a few days ago that Pete and Clete (with his winter weight) Sweeney are headed to Arizona.

Each February they drive out to the Indians (darn it) Guardians spring training and file reports with us here at the fresnOnion.

This is Pete's second email:

Well we got into Hugoton mid afternoon Wednesday.  After checking in at the Best Western Clete had a couple BMTs from Subway door dashed over.  He said that should hold him until supper at McDonalds.

We golfed all day  Thursday at Forewinds, 27 holes is enough for this old boy.  I appreciate a 9 hole golf course that has four tee boxes and a halfway house for hot dogs after the 4th hole.

Then, as we usually do, we went to Bonnie & Clyde's Sports Bar for a great cheeseburger and fries basket.  

Clete was a hit during the open mic hour.  He sang "Wasted Days and Wasted Nights" then held a Q & A for the audience.  Most questions were about sports, his love life and diet goals. 

The owner turned off the karaoke machine at 10:30.

We play a quick 9 again Friday morning then head west.  Should be able to check in when we get to Bernalillo, just north of Albuquerque on I-25..   Can't wait to eat at The Range Cafe, Pete likes their desserts.  

The head chef always comes out to say "Ola, Senor Clete".

2026   2026   2026   2026    2026    2026

Debatable

   Other than politics, religion, spanking, and the Browns, is there a more polarizing topic to debate than cats?

   Our friend, Ashley Strickland Ko at CNN Science, sent us an article on Where Cats Come From.

   The article is a good read and also started quite the weeklong "discussion" on cats here in the fresnOnion newsroom.  Some employees and interns have and love their cats while there are polar opposites on the topic.

   When handed a printout of the CNN  article, one intern was overheard saying, "I don't care where they come from, but I can tell you where they can go!"

   The only thing we do know is that if someone hadn't started keeping cats in the house, Edward Lowe would never have invented Kitty Litter.

   Just think of the economic benefit.

   Just think of your every Saturday chore.

editor's note: since this story broke, the fresnOnion newsroom has received a ton of texts, emails, DM's and phone calls regarding the frequency of cleaning the litter box. 

"You've never had a cat!" was the prevalent reader feedback...seems 'every Saturday' is not nearly enough.

Keeping Up

For decades now there has been a battle between toy doll makers for the affection of children everywhere.

Youngsters either have Ken & Barbie or G.I. Joe.

Mattel  has widened their markets with the creation of Barbies with Down syndrome, a blind Barbie, a Barbie and a Ken with vitiligo, in efforts to make its fashion dolls more inclusive.

Just last month our close personal friends at CBS reported that, the toymaker introduced the Autistic Barbie.

Now, the I-Team here in the fresnOnion newsroom is tracking down the rumor that Hasbro will be diversifying G.I. Joe.

We are getting whispers that soon there will be a President Joe, a Civil Servant Joe, a Golfing Joe, a Farmer Joe, a Journalist Joe, a Trans Joe, a Grifter Joe, and an Average Joe.

​Watch this space for further information on this rapidly developing story.

Cub Reporter Selected

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom are trying to get excited about the upcoming Olympics.  

But in all honesty, not even the debut of Ski Mountaineering has piqued our interest.

And why it's called "Milan Cortina" is beyond us.

But maybe it's because  the average age of everyone here in the newsroom is over 66 is why we don't get it.

So we've selected young Danforth Bentley to go to Northern Italy and report back to us about the winter games.

Danforth, the ascot wearing, briefcase carrying young man, is in his senior year at Fresno High School.  His parents gladly (and quickly, we might add) signed his permission slip so he could go.  

His teachers said "by all means, go --go--go".

So the young man who is never at a loss for words, will be reporting back his observations.

Even though the games run from February 6 - 22nd, his parents, siblings, teachers and classmates all pooled their money and sent him early.

The rest of the Danforth family then went to Arizona.  

Watch this space.

Seeking Warmth

One of the most exciting times of Winter is when the equipment trucks for the Cleveland Indians - oops, Guardians head for Arizona.

Those trucks left for Goodyear Park at noon Thursday.

And also departing for the same destination were Pete and Clete Sweeney, as they do every year.

"Yep, we've vacationed slash worked the month of February out in Arizona ever since the Tribe left Florida back in aught 9," said Pete.

"Florida was ok, but the weather was goofy," noted Clete.  "And I surely do miss Hi Corbett Field. But Goodyear Park is nice too."

The Sweeney's left in their over-packed 1975 Ford Pinto Squire woodie wagon. 

We got a call from Pete Friday night that they had to unload all the suitcases and golf clubs because they had a flat tire in St. Louis.

We always look forward to their occasional "reports from the dessert". 

Watch this space.

Lineup Set

The annual Valentine's Day Jazz Fest at the Pete Ames Concert Hall and Carryout  recently announced their entertainment lineup.

"The Yusef Lateef Tribute Trio  will again, try to headline this year's festival," said organizer Franklin Booth.

"We're so pleased they agreed to return, especially after last year's mishap," Booth declared.  All of the flutes were stolen at the Chili Airport, so they had to cancel.

Students from The Dave Brubeck Music Science College will perform just before the headliners.

Zeke 'N Eddy the famously local guys have picked up Al Hirt's grandson and Jimmy Smith's great grandson for the opening act.

And because the Jazz Fest falls on a Saturday, the newly renovated Olinger Arms Hotelhas special packages for the weekend.

Hotel manager Merle Miller says the package includes dinner Friday night, brunch Saturday, concert tickets and breakfast Sunday, all for $875 per person (drinks, taxes and gratuity not included).

"We're nearly sold out already," noted Miller.

Local Cable Channel 80 FZNO will document the festival for later broadcast.  

Colleen Sariotis, the lovely and curvaceous Columbus based jazz singer, has agreed to once again be the Master of Ceremonies.  She will also perform with the Lateef Trio.

"I've selected Tess's Torch Song by Ella Mae Morse to close this year's festival," said Colleen.

Curling, The Excitement Of It All

Everytime the Winter Olympics roll around we are excited about Curling.

The USA  just won a silver medal in this heart pounding sport.  

We here at the fresnOnion were proud to sponsor the watch party and very happy that every Jr. High curling team in the county attended.

Most everyone knows that the curling stones come from one place, Aisla Craig, just off the coast of Scotland.

Our Senior Granite Reporter, Asuka Koda, also contributes to CNN. He has a very insightful story on the topic and interviewed some smart people. 

What Koda didn't tell you is that all curling brooms come from one place, Aisla Waggoner, the island that is a paradoxical conundrum.

Waggoner Island  sits in the middle of the Tuscarawas River which is owned by the State of Ohio.  It is not in any township and when the Waggoner family tried to claim it as part of their quarter-section, a local judge ruled it to be independent and exempt from any governmental control.

So Hondo Waggoner filed a quitclaim deed with the same local judge, his cousin.  Hondo then built a small manufacturing plant for lightweight carbon fiber.  His best customer is Goldline Curling Supplies.

The Waggoner Fiber Company  pays no taxes, EPA rules and regulations don't apply, there are no laws - all the while no crime, and only family members work there.  They all have money.

So the next time you are glued to the tv with your pals watching curling, you can say that you wish you were a cousin that made the broom.

Acceptance

Faithful readers of the fresnOnion will recall that the Chili Convention Center (CCC) was under construction last year.

The sister facility to the Pete Ames Concert Hall and Carry-out  recently had their 'soft opening'.

"What we did was host the Garden Vegetable Advocates Society annual convention," said CCC facility manager Olin Brownhast.

This is the first convention of the GVAS to be held east of the Mississippi and by all who attended, it was considered somewhat of a success.

"There were some parking issues," admitted Brownhast.  "Neighborhood kids charged for parking in front yards that weren't theirs."

The highlight of the convention was the new cottage industry known as "kitchen table vegetable vodka".

Pieter Claesz's cucumber vodka was voted best at the show and his Wakatamaki 'Cuke already has orders for over 500,000 bottles.

Brownhast says that the next convention will be The Great Midwest Golf Show the first week of March.  He promised to have the parking issues fixed and have better food vendors.

A Major Award

'Tis the season for college football awards.  We've had the Heisman Trophy ceremony, where Julian Sayin of The Ohio State Buckeyes coming in 4th while garnering the Shaun Alexander Award for "Freshman of the Year".

Just up the road, Grady Kinsey was named Mr. Ohio Football  and now comes the announcement of one of the most coveted accolades in all of organized sport.

The Clete Sweeney Trophy has been given to Simon Lorentz of The Ohio State Buckeyes as "The Best Third String Center in College Football".

Clete, who's put on a little weight recently, was best known for having never fumbled a snap in 4 years of high school games, never being offsides, and having a perfect 'long snap spiral'. 

"Kid's got a great attitude, doesn't miss mealtime, understands the snap count, and has good cousins," said an assistant line coach at OSU when asked about Simon.

At the awards ceremony in the locker room, Simon said "thank you, I will put this trophy on a shelf at home."

Lorentz, who hails from Dover, has not declared a major yet.  But if he's thinking of journalism we have our eye on him here in the fresnOnion newsroom.

He's Running

With the statement of "something's gotta be done", John Roy (JR) Waltersham has declared his candidacy for public office.

His press release that came out last night declares that if elected he will:

-standardize all TV remote controls. "every clicker should look the same and operate the same."

- insist that all automakers offer standard shift. "what's up 'bout making semis with automatic transmissions?  there goes the popular jake brake sound."

-standardize all streaming apps so they operate alike.  "you should just hit the big round button  to choose your show and the play button  to start."

- make all kids learn to write in cursive.  "I mean good penmanship makes for a good and polite society."

- mandate that all clothing manufacturers offer men's pants in 1 inch increments. "some guys need 47-29.  I mean why make a fella buy pants that are either too tight or too loose, too short or too long?  Nobody wants to see a gentleman wearing britches that are cinched up  and rolled up!"

There are many more bullet points to JR's platform.  We will report those as we cover his campaign and figure out what he's running for.

You can donate at: www.MakingUCareUnitedStates.guv

Everyone who gives over $12 will get a bright green MUCUS hat.

Grand Marshall Selected

The 56th Annual Don Ho-down Mid-Winter Festival is slated for February 7th.

"The ever popular Hawaiian Hootenanny is the perfect remedy for the mid-winter blues," says Sam Torrents, the festival's original longtime organizer.

The festival got its name because in 1970  Don Ho's plane had to make an emergency landing at the West Lafayette International Airport.  Torrents was the airport's janitor and told him about Miller's Dip Grange Hall , and one thing led to another.  He returned for three consecutive years, and Ho's new friend Sam has kept the event going.

"And this year we are so fortunate to have Israel 'IZ' Kamakawiwoʻole as our parade's Grand Marshall," added Sam.

The luau buffet will be available from 3-7pm.

IZ will play a set when the Miller's Dip Grange Hall house band, Zeke 'N Eddy, take a break. 

IZ will also be the judge for the 'best homemade Lei'.

There will be a professional photographer on hand for those that want a picture with IZ.  Because of his girth, your arm isn't long enough for a selfie.

The ladies of the church will serve every drink you can make with Koloa Rum. Sam's wife Tawny will mingle while serving her famous coconut "brownies".

Tickets are on sale everywhere Hawaiian shirts are sold.

Chocolate

Today is almost a national holiday.  At least around these parts.

Today is National Chocolate-Covered Anything Day.

Today from 3 - 7 pm local chocolate lovers will bring everything they like dipped in chocolate to the Shorston Apothecary  where a massive fountain awaits.

All foods and fruits are fair game.  Some stick to their usual favorites like bananas or pretzels, others will experiment.

Julian Shorston, shop owner says "no double dipping."

Editor's note:  So we take a Tuesday off and leave the fresnOnion newsroom in the hands of the interns.

Julian called and said the "Cover Anything with Chocolate" celebration is going on through the end of the week.  

"It doesn't make much sense to rent a big chocolate fountain for one day," he snorted.

Also, the ladies of the church called and were miffed that they weren't mentioned in the article.  They will be at the Shorston Apothecary every day from 3-7 to serve their traditional Chocolate Scotch, Chocolate Gin, Chocolate Vodka and Chocolate Margaritas.  All proceeds help fund their vacation account.

Inquiry Requested

Things were quite heated last night at the Village Council Meeting.

Residents and council members alike are calling for Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe to investigate Bobbi Jo Gentry, the area's long standing Official Courier and Messenger.

Gentry is being accused of opening and reading the contents of the messages and packets she was entreated to deliver.

"We didn't authorize the creation of that position to give her privilege to the contents!", declared local businessman William R. Dirkson.

"I always knew she was a snoop, didn't like her in high school, and didn't vote for her," said council member Suzi Wadsworth.

Trupe promised to follow all protocols in his inquiry of these complaints. 

Gentry will be on paid suspension until the matter is resolved.

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom have always opined that this was a waste of tax dollars with modern advancements of technology as an alternative form of communication.

In other council news, Trupe reported 33 feral cat complaints.

Last Night Was A Sell-out

It has come to our attention here in the newsroom at the fresnOnion that our story about last night's opening of Hindenburg - the Musical  was incomplete.

Alert, but never frugal reader Ann, asked how much were tickets.  And we are embarrassed because that was information that we didn't include in the final story.  Our editor erroneously clipped the last paragraph.

Even though last night was a huge success and the famous Baird Theatre was overflowing with theatergoers, there are tickets available.

Front  tickets are $198.00

Middle  tickets are $118.00

and Rear  tickets are $5.00

The box office at TheBaird, like all good theaters, is open 24 hours a day.

Local Man To Interview

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom have finally got confirmation that Grover Schwinglington will be given an interview for the Cleveland Browns Head Coaching position.

Schwinglington is quite known locally for his opinions.  He shares them even if they weren't solicited.

Schwinglington is infamous for being kicked out of local jr. high sporting events. He was removed from coaching pee wee football after one game.

He calls whatever talk shows will give him a platform for his thoughts, and regularly posts his 'takes' online.

The fresnOnion research team discovered that Grover has posted 588 negative opinions on the state of the Cleveland Browns in the last year alone.

We can only surmise that by granting him a zoom interview, General Manager Andrew Berry is trying to expose him for the ignorant know-it-all we are already aware of.

And to be complete in our reporting, Grover Schwinglington is a cousin of Pete and Clete Sweeney.

"A family embarrassment", every Sweeney has uttered.

Then again, he just might get the job.

Watch this space for further developments. 

Funny Math

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom believe that John Prine said it best: "It's a Big Old Goofy World."

And that's our sentiment exactly.  

The Oxford University Press has announced that this year's WORD of the YEAR is actually 2 words!

Rage Bait is like clickbait but wants to make you cross.

Now we're not cross or anything, but it's two words....not one....why not call it "phrase of the year" or something.  But to think we can just sit idly by and accept them declaring two words as "word of the year" and not call them out, is both arrogant and disrespectful.  Jeesh give us a break!!!!!

It's our advice to not click on the link in this story.

Fair Warning:  The News below should not  be referenced in your senior class essay

Local To Play On Tour

It's not very often that a local lad gets to play golf for serious money, but that is just the case for Horton "Cleek" McCray.

Cleek has just been notified that his application to play on the Norwegian Tour  has been approved.

Tour stops include the season opener atNuuk Golf Club in Greenland.

The tour then moves over to Iceland to play the Vik Golf Club on the southernmost point of the island.

As the weather improves there will be tournaments at the many courses on the western seaboard including Golfklubbeur Vestmannaeyja.

There are nineteen golf clubs in Iceland and after the tour makes it's last regular season stop at the fabled Akureyri Golf Club for the Arctic Open, the top 24 will play the Norwegian Tour Championship.

Those twenty four qualifiers will be fortunate enough to compete on the Torshavnar Golffelag. This outstanding 9-hole design can be found in the Faroe Islands between Scotland and Iceland.

Cleek McCray, has an impressive resume including five-time third place in the county championship, B Flight.  He made the cut once at the Publinx Junior, and was 12th alternate for the Southeast Ohio Open at The Lake Lila Golf and Country Club.

"I'll be working on my game in the field behind our barn until I leave," says Cleek.

Everyone who golfs here in the fresnOnion newsroom is rooting for the kid.

This Just In

January 25, 2026 (Fresno, O)   

It's Snowing.  

A Lot.

Everything is Closed.

Except for the Fresno Civic Hall Warming Center and Beverage Bar.

The ladies of the church are serving hot coffee with Yukon Jack. 

Can He Do That?

When one of our interns said "see you Monday" that meant that all of the interns and all of the full time employees of the fresnOnion would return to work on the 29th.

Come to find out the POTUS made the Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas a holiday.

All interns and most of the staff don't work weekends.  So that leaves us with a skeleton staff for a couple of days.

Please continue to report newsworthy ideas.

Local Politics, Day 2

Stop!  We Implore you.

Our faithful readers will recall that just yesterday we reported to you about the town council meeting and Freida Beck's proposal.

Freida was so enamored with Cozy Fridays  in Sweden that she initiated an ordinance to make it mandatory here; everyone stays in on Friday nights.

Well, the answering machine's tape recorder ran out and our email inbox here in the fresnOnion newsroom was overwhelmed with your responses.

IT'S NOT OUR IDEA!  So stop yelling at us.  One of the interns said, "Why do I feel like the bad guy?"

Now having said all that, we do acknowledge some concerns raised by local residents.

"What about Friday night football?"

"I can't stay home, the wife hosts a euchre party for her friends."

"Our lodge has been meeting every Friday night since the beginning of time."

"That's my grocery shopping schedule."

"My brothers and I whittle and drink Blatz  on Friday nights."

And those are just a few of the hundreds of concerns we logged.

Go to the next town council meeting in January.  And, please contact your council member....not us.

Plainfield (s)

There is this nice little village down the highway called Plainfield.  Nice people reside there, too.

And this weekend our local Plainfield will host the annual Plainfield Sister City  convention.

Delegates from every town, village, borough, city, municipality, settlement, township, burgh or conurbation that is known as Plainfield, will be here.

There are RSVPs from Illinois, Indiana, and New Jersey, Vermont, Wisconsin, Connecticut, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Michigan (they have several) and New York.

Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe has placed his deputy on "reasonable alert" status.

"The last time we had one of these, there was a small traffic jam, and that was caused by a couple of ladies that had 'I am not budging' attitudes," said Rollie, using air quotes.

All lodging has been booked and most eating establishments will be full this Friday night thru Sunday brunches, so get your groceries today and cook something.

The middle of the day on Saturday will allow all visitors to shop and take guided tours.  

One local shoppe owner refers to this time as "black Saturday" because this crowd likes to spend money.

The Saturday night agenda will include welcoming new "Plainfields", voting on next year's site, election of officers, the treasurer's report, and concluding with the Plainfield Grande Ball.

The ladies of the church will staff the three cash bars.

information and incriminating photos from year's past can be found on the Plainfield MyFaceSpaceTok  page.

The Sweeney Report

This is the third and final report from Pete and Clete Sweeny until spring training for the Indians ....oops again, Guardians commences.  

Pete's email arrived here in the fresnOnion newsroom last night at 11:30:

Well we got to Albuquerque with very little road trouble.  We played the quick nine at Forewinds and I had a 32.  Clete had his all-time career round of 51, so there were good vibes when we left Hugoton.

We did have an embarrassing moment Friday night at The Range Cafe.  I ordered their popular HOOSIER PORK PICCATA and Clete had the "All You Can Eat Buffet".

After two hours, the owner walked in the front door and asked the cute little hostess "where is he?"    She pointed to Clete.

The owner came to our table, looked at Clete and said, "You're a big boy.  You should leave right now." He confiscated the silverware and handed Clete his lawyer's business card.

We paid and left.

Clete, as you might know by now, has put on a little weight.  He asked me to drive thru at Whataburger.

I'll write when things start up in Goodyear.

More To The Story

Every now and then there is a story that will cause our readers to respond.

This reporter gets emails and messages on the answering machine.

The interns get messages every which way.  They tell me there are communications on their facespace, Tikboard, InstaTok, or some such new tech.

But after the story about the Strasburg State University's artificial intelligence breakthrough, we spent all of Friday retrieving answers. 

The Watching Dave Barry Stories article has everyone talking, speculating, praying and questioning.

Strasthropic, the A.I. spinoff company at SSU was in full disclosure mode when we called.

How does it work?  was one of the questions. 

An employee will scan the written story by Dave Barry and the app will digest every word and create a template.

The template will have questions about the story that can't be answered by its history algorithm.  Questions like: How handsome is the fireman?

Once the episode is created, a committee will review for glitches, incongruities, or legal issues.

The new technology at SSU will not get us in a war.

The new technology will not replace Friday Night Football.

The new technology will not be the demise of the local little theatre.

The new technology does not make golf easier.

We don't think......

Update 12:32 am

Editors Note:  The interns continue to track down, fact check and glean answers and insight into the new Strasthropoic A.I. at Strasburg State University.  The following are their findings:

The new technology is not a dating service.

The new technology does have anime capabilities.

The new technology will not help with your weight loss.

The new technology will not affect elections.

The new technology will not create naughty movies

The new technology will not reveal if your neighbor is an alien.

SPORT

Accusations of being 'one dimensional' are never a good thing.

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom take the coverage of sport very seriously.

So  last night we were courtside at Rocket Arena in downtown Cleveland for the Cleveland Pierogi Eating Championship.

The sloppy, disgusting contest took place during halftime of some basketball contest.

Joey Chestnut, the 16 time hot dog eating champion, easily won over the combined pierogis consumed by three random guys from the janitor's room.

Some start-up cable channel, ESPN (pronounced S-pin) stood in front of our position on press row, but we watched the whole thing unfold on the suspended gigantic Jumbotron tv screen.  

Chestnut's parents were unavailable for comment on their child prodigy.

Finally, it should be noted that the "emergency buckets" under the table were not deployed.

Tomorrow: a deep dive into Joey Chestnut's Pepto Bismol contract.

Eat Here

For some, retirement means time to golf or garden or whittling sticks. For others it means time to follow a dream.

That is exactly what Jace LaChevronette has done.

"I was at this auction and some restaurant equipment came up for bid.  I impulsively purchased four diner stools, a gas stove with a griddle, and a deep fryer," said Jace.

"I have this summer house on the side property, so I converted it into a little local diner," he continued.

This reporter is pleased to tell you that JACE's FOOD SHANTY is a wonderful addition to our fine dining neighborhood fare.

The menu is simple: 

-Fried Bologna, Trail Bologna, Cheeseburgers and Grilled Cheese are the sandwiches.

-Anything that can be deep fried.

-Breakfast all day til 1pm.

Jace opens at 6am, closes at 1:30, golfs at 2.

No reservations, so get in line.  Once your plate is clean, you must leave.  

Two other notes:  No beer sales, yet, and Jace has not installed an exhaust fan so you will come out smelling like you've been deep fried.

JACE's FOOD SHANTY is located on the boulevard amongst the nice houses.

A Good Cause

The most talked about fund-raiser of the year is coming up this Sunday.

The 58th Annual Fresno Santa Run will take place again on Hamilton Ave.

The ladies of the church  organize this popular event where everyone wears a Santa outfit and runs the grueling 100 yards to the Sawmill Park.

The big tent provides for a nice social hour, where the ladies serve brats, beer and chili.

Categories for the prizes include: 

-least clothed Santa (two categories, male & female)

-skinniest Santa

-best look-a-like Santa

-sexiest Mrs. Santa

-slowest Santa

All proceeds go to  the ladies of the church's bathe a homeless man account.

Local Cable Channel 80 FZNO will be on hand to document and post anything viral worthy.

The Santa Run takes place at 1pm because nobody watches the Browns anymore.

Always A Good Time

Our friend over at the National  Day Calendar, Amy Monette, has reminded us that today is National Fruitcake Toss Day.

It is an event that has taken place here in Fresno for the last 32 years.

But it was just last year that prompted the Fruitcake Toss Committee  to write some safety protocols.

So we remind you that if you attend today and want to participate here are the new rules:

- All attendees in the toss pit MUST wear a hardhat, batting helmet or football helmet.  "We'll have no more bloody incidents like last year," said committee chairperson Pammy Duckworth.

- All attendees must be 21 or older. "We think that some teens were targeting last year," noted Pammy.

- Entry fee for spectators will be $20 per family; $15 for 'cake tossers'. "We had to get insurance, so that's why the fees were increased a bit," lamented Pammy.

- There will be three categories this year: Round, Bundt, and Loaf.  "Some kid at Strasburg State University determined that the shape alters the flight and it wasn't fair because the 'Loaf' tossers have won 20 years in a row," said a disgusted Pammy.

- All fruitcakes that are to be tossed will be subject to an x-ray.  "We think that some 'tossers' were loading their cakes with scrap metal to get a longer distance," said Pammy glumly.

Blue Ribbons will be awarded to the longest toss in each category.  Red Ribbons will be given to second place.  Black Ribbons and a lemon will be handed to the worst tosser.

The Fresno Fruitcake Toss  starts at 1pm in the Sawmill Park District open field down on Hamilton Avenue. Extra stadium seating has been hauled in from the football field.

The ladies of the church will operate the big beverage tent. 

Not A Leg Lamp

In this season of giving thanks, exchanging gifts, and renewing friendships, it is also the "Awards Season".

Trophies, prizes and 'major awards' are being handed out. 

Local writer Charlton Seever has been notified that he is the recipient of the coveted Lyric and Limerick Laureate Prize.

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom find this rather ironically hilarious, as Charlton was the subject of one of the most locally quoted limericks of all-time:

There once was a boy from Fresno

Who frequently scrubbed with the grease of his elbow

His graffiti on walls

Made blushers of all

And his mom didn't believe it so

The award ceremony will be held in DC when the new ballroom is finished.

Maybe A Comeback?

There have been whispers going about recently about a possible return to the stage for a popular duo from the 1960's.

Lowell and Juanita were the darlings of the folk scene from 1965 until 1970.

"We both turned 75 this year and have been noodlin' about with our music, so maybe.........." Lowell said with a gaze toward Juanita, his "sweet chiquita".

The two high school lovers started playing at age 15 and when the local radio station sent a demo to NYC, they were opening for The Lovin' Spoonful  by 1966.

In fact, it was Zal Yanovsky that co-wrote the protest song "This war is as wrong as pourin' out good whiskey" with Lowell.

"If we do put together a 'folk-up' - that's what we call a sudden get-together, we'll let you know," Juanita told our fresnOnion intern.

Watch this space, we feel A Mighty Wind a comin'.

Spring Training

We are still slogging through all of the backlog of communications that came in during the 4 day IT crash shutdown.

Here is the Spring Training report on the Indians, oops Guardians, that Pete emailed on Thursday:

While Clete stayed at the big league diamond, he says the food is better, I went to the back diamonds to look at the minor leaguers.

A couple of youngsters look like ball players if I am allowed to profile.

Fans should keep an eye on these future big leaguers: 

Alfonsin Rosario, OF - All he does is hit.

Welbyn Francisca, SS - All he does is play hard.

Jace LaViolette, OF - All he does is hit homers.

Juneiker Caceres, OF  - BALLPLAYER! and he's only 18 !!

Dean Curley, INF - Good glove, I call him 'nyuk, 'nyuk

Daniel Espino, P - Looks smooth and healthy

Clete says to remind all that the games start on Saturday with a split squad.  He'll stay here to watch us play the Reds.  I'll go on the road to Phoenix for the Brewers.

Clete also says that the hot dogs are a monumental upgrade over last year's fare.  He's trying to track down the person responsible for a future story.

​We're staying at the popular  Sundowner Motel  on Litchfield road.  We have Hal Lebovitz's girlfriend on one side of us. She says that even though Hall passed in '05, she still loves the Tribe:  and Albert Belle on the other. We play nine holes every afternoon before dinner. He does not give putts.

Biz News

Local entrepreneurs Beany DiMaggio and Harlan Nagelstein have announced their newest venture:  2 Guys With a Tractor and Hay Wagon Moving Services.

"We've been seeing this need for a while now as we see our friends moving with a little Chevy S10," said Beany.

"So we've formed this company to assist those who are moving within a ten mile radius of Fresno," noted Harlan.

"I got the idea after seeing a truck with 2 Guys and a Truck painted on the side and thought now there's an idea," offered Beany.

"We'll do all the lifting if you have everything packed,  but not on rainy days." concluded Harlan.

2 Guys With a Tractor and Hay Wagon Moving Services are on the world wide web at:  www.tryintomakesome.cash

A Major Award

The Automotive History Preservation Society recently bestowed their most prestigious award on a local car dealer.

Otto Graysom was on hand in Red Bud, Illinois for The AHPS annual, informal, non-mandatory attendance Fall Mixer.

The group gathered at the world famous Ratzkeller, a popular sports bar and grill.

Graysom was given the Society's Lifetime Achievement Award.   The 89 year old still goes to his lot every day  where he has 3 remaining Pontiacs.  

He washes these, now collectables, every other day and waxes once a week.

Otto has a 1950 Pontiac Chieftain, a 1955 Pontiac Star Chief Station Wagon, and a 1952 Pontiac Catalina.

Although he's had offers, during his acceptance speech, Graysom said, "Folks just don't want to pay today's prices."

Otto's Autos  is located north on the good county road, just past the Blockbuster/laundromat/Keno building.

Expanding

The Port Washington Prune Juice Company  has announced that they will be adding a second shift.

PWPJ  President, CEO, CFO and Marketing Director, Durwood U. Duncan, says the time is right.

"We've seen some movement in the marketplace, some solid proof if you will, that 2026 is the time for a regular ramp-up of production," said Duncan.

PWPJ  will need four new employees to facilitate their expansion.

"We need a certified, experienced juice press operator, a young and enthusiastic bottle inspector/loader, a bottle inspector/box loader, and an experienced forklift driver," noted Durwood.

Those who are selected for employment will be paid two times the average wage, full insurance benefits for the family, and membership at The Lake Lila Golf and Country Club.

What had been a bloated industry was thinned out to just a few prune juice companies in the early 2000's.  PWPJ is one of the last family owned companies in this market.

"With the awareness that natural is better than the pill, we are looking for a smooth future," said Mr. Duncan.

Historians will note that there was quite a feud in the 1800's between the Duncan family and the Carter family.  Carter's Little Liver Pills  had gotten the attention of the doctors and their prescriptions were cutting into Duncan's juice sales.

They still don't acknowledge each other today.

More information and applications can be found on the company's website:  www.bmsforeveryone.com

A Pretty Quiet Holiday Season

Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe has released his report on the recent holiday period.

"All in all it was actually pretty quiet," said Trupe.

His statistical report that covers 12/22 - 1/1, revealed that there were:

- 3 lost buggy calls, all from Vernon DiMarco.

- 3 found buggy calls, all were DiMarco's. Upon further investigation Trupe determined that while Vernon was at the Corner Pub, pranksters would move his buggy. (editor's note: Vernon lost his privileges to drive a motorized vehicle in 1975.)

- One altercation at the Corner Pub. No arrests as the McGuire sisters were fighting over the kegerator repairman.  Francine had called "dibs", Maureen claims she didn't hear it. Vernon DiMarco confirmed Francine's story.

- 4 cars in a ditch all on separate nights.  All were the same car driven by MayBelle Markel who was in town for the holidays visiting her daughter and granddaughter. No citations issued.

- one call from a 6 year old girl because she "...didn't like her presents, she asked for two ponies and only got 1, she didn't get a backup cell phone, and was perturbed off because grandma took over her room for the week and drank wine..."

"I am thankful that the area was fairly peaceable and hope for the same all year," Rollie concluded while having breakfast with MayBelle Markel.

- 

Today's The Day

With America's hit song playing in our heads, we here in the fresnOnion newsroom are happy to bring you today's news.

To many locals the month of February is one of the most exciting months of the year.

There's Groundhog Day, Valentine's Day, President's Day (which is a day off work) and today!  February 4th is National Soup Day.

And around these parts National Soup Day  is as popular as the Farm Foliage Tour because of the Soup Trail.

Many will load up their friends and drive the trail to stop and have a bowl of soup.  

The Soup Trail  includes Carrollton for a stop at Cooley's for chili, then to the village of Tuscarawas for stuffed green pepper soup.

A stop in Baltic at the Tie-Dyed Lotus will get you a big bowl of Chef Milton's famous Pozole.

By the time you get to Dresden you are ready for popular Longaberger Chicken and Noodle soup.  This is Dave's family recipe that he made for his workers when they were feeling a little under the weather.

A short drive back east to Fresno end's with Amy's beef stew.

Soup Trail organizer Lacy Schottenheimer reminds everyone that each stop will have a variety of crackers, but bring your own spoon.

A map of the Soup Trail can be found at: www.slurp.bib.

Smart

We've all heard of the 'smart phone', the 'smart watch', the 'smart car', why Samsung even has a 'smart refrigerator'.

But the dietetic, engineering, and computer grad students at Strasburg State University  have taken that 'smart refrigerator' to another level.

They have created an algorithm that takes into account one's eating habits, and creates each day's dinner.

When you get home in the afternoon, just open the door and there will be a tray of selected foods for you to prepare.  No longer will you have to stand at the fridge looking for something to cook.

After each meal, simply input your feedback:  keep it in rotation, how often, and suggested variables.

There is also a liquid dispenser of beer, wine or water. It is your responsibility to change the pony keg and the box of vino, the water is plumbed directly though.

A demonstration video, list of vendors, and testimonials can be found atwww.youarealazylout.snooze.

Fresno, Ohio

the hippest village east of Marfa, Texas

The Sweeney Report

Faithful readers of the fresnOnion will recall that Pete and Clete (who's put on some extra weight) Sweeney are in Arizona for spring training.

Each year the Sweeney's travel out to Goodyear Arizona to file reports on the Cleveland Indians, (oops) Guardians, progress in preparation for the upcoming season.

The men play a little golf, dine about town, catch up with old friends, and let us know what they observed recently on, and around, the diamond.

This is Pete's first email report:

Well the pitchers and catchers reported on Thursday.  There are a lot of new faces. One kid doesn't shave yet.

Everyone is still talking about  the Clase gambling scandal.

First game is next Saturday.

Clete and Cory Kluber taught an unsuspecting fan from Newcomerstown how to play the card game TEGWAR.  Poor chap lost $300.

Clete has signed a promotion contract with The Saddle Mountain Brewing Company.  He will wear their t-shirt and hand out discount appetizer cards.  Clete has agreed to host open mic story time every Thursday.  Part of the contract though was he must promise not to mention the Cy Buynak-Dave Garcia-Morganna "incident"., because there is no G-rated version.

Should have more next week.

Ignorance Is No Excuse

A dozen black SUVs filled with government types wearing black coats and sunglasses swarmed the Town Center Gazebo yesterday at 2pm.

That was the site of the local SERTAF Club's new fundraiser.  They were selling Meerkats as pets, which is illegal.

"Meerkats are wild animals with complex social needs, require large, specialized enclosures, have demanding diets (eating their body weight in bugs daily), can become aggressive, are difficult to find veterinary care for, and are often illegal to own without specific permits, making them unsuitable for typical households. They thrive in large family groups, and keeping them alone or in small spaces leads to stress, destructive behavior, and potential self-harm," according to the Men in Black's official statement that was obviously prepared by AI.

Ward Robello, SERTAF  president,  was taken into custody.

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom have been trying to contact The Imports of Ernest who procured the Meerkats.  That phone number has been disconnected.

It's Catching On

A housing boom is taking place out in the far regions of our neighborhood.

Canned Heat sang about "goin' up country".

Three Dog Night sang about being "out in the country".

Even John Denver shared about how thankful he was to be a "country boy".

Well, out in the country, where there are not as many building codes, Ray and Rita Hayworthy are on to something.

"We are building affordable  housing," said Ray.

"These homes might not have all of the luxuries, but you can afford the bank loans," noted Rita.

The Hayworthys were inspired by the very popular and famous Jack Preston Wood, 

"We saw one of their tall skinny homes and thought that might work with our idea," Ray offered.

A Hayworthy Home is 3 stories high. There is no electricity, no running water, the heat comes from a huge wood burner in the middle of the first floor with open grates in the middle of the second and third floor.

A Hayworthy Home is not painted, has a metal roof, and one window facing south on the second and third floor.

A Hayworthy Home features an outhouse, a water pump and no landscaping.

A Hayworthy Home layout has the garage, wood burner, storage, and bathtub on the ground floor.

The second floor is for living and dining, with one bedroom.

The third floor is open and can be divided into bedrooms as needed.

The first Hayworthy Home sold the day the 'for sale' sign was posted.

There are contracts signed for another 90 to be built before June.

For more information on the affordable Hayworthy Home you can stop out and see Rita, or go to www.littlecheaphouses.frugl

Fine Dining

The Tri-Village Supper Club  monthly rotating evening of nosh will take place tonight at the Pearl Valley Cafeteria.

Whatta Guys Fries (and burgers) will cater with the promise that their famous "fixins bar" will be fully stocked.

"We've been trying to get these people to cater for us for years now and they finally relented," said an excited Serena Stotlemyre, event and menu coordinator for the club.

Each diner will be served a generous portion of fresh cut sea salt fries with a side order of burger sliders prepared by Bud "greasy" Gallagher.

Before sitting down the members will visit the "fixins bar" to load their fries.  Choices include chopped scallions, bacon, brown gravy, sausage gravy, pork gravy, giblet gravy, red gravy, peppers and baked beans.  There are over 50 toppings to choose from, and that does include the various cheeses.

Locals will recall that Gallagher was the kitchen manager, and french fry guru, at the recently shuttered Close Inn.

"The secret to my fries is the oil," noted Greasy.  "And don't ask, cause I won't tell."

The Tri-Village Supper Club  moves from Fresno to Chili to Pearl each month.  They will be accepting one new couple in January because Wilson and Virgina Dalton moved to Brunersburg, Ohio. 

Applications for club membership and other information can be found at: www.weluvtomunch.burp

PPD.

The monthly Making Life Better  lecture series that was slated for Sunday Night has been postponed until a later date.

"It's lookin' like we're gettin' a ton of snow on Sunday," said lecture coordinator Betsy Beanler. "So we're gonna urge everyone to stay home and we'll reschedule Earl at a later date."

Earl Pitts was the scheduled speaker and the event has been sold out for the past year.

"I was so excited to see Mr. Pitts in person," said longtime patron Robbie Shenkel.  "The things that makes him sick are the same things I say!" declared Shenkel.

Beanler urged everyone to hold onto their tickets as they will be used when a new date has been set.  

"We're just cuttin' costs a bit, what with all the tariffs and all," said Beanler.

The next lecture in March will be: Fiber! Watch Out!!

Over Soon!

You can keep your Punxatawney Phil, your Buckeye Chuck, your Defiance Dan or your Parma Pete.  

We have Fresno Freddie.  And he has a 90% win rate.  And his forecast is just for the east central Ohio region.

If accuracy is of interest, our colleagues over at CBS have a story about the Pennsylvania marmot.

This morning, while the others were seeing their shadows,Fresno Freddie emerged to overcast skies and nary a shadow cast.

WINTER WILL END SOON!

Get out the golf clubs, change your spikes and refill the shag bag. This nightmare of a winter is just about over.

Long live Fresno Freddie.

In case you weren't up and missed the live broadcast on local cable channel 80 FZNO, you can watch the replay on FZNO+ the overpriced streaming app.  You'll have to search for Fresno Freddie as the front page of the app is cluttered with "suggestions for you", like The Courtship of Eddie's Father, The Flying Nun, My Mother The Car, Family Affair and Mr. Ed. 

An Anthem For The Current Times

The recent sub-zero temperatures that we have experienced recently to close out January reminds us of Lowell and his keen observation: cold, cold, cold.

A Surreal Sight

A raft of otters, a rafter of turkeys, a pride of lions, a murder of crows, a clowder of cats.....you get the idea.

Anybody want to hazard a guess of what we call a lot of Dick Nixons in the room?

Everyone here in the fresnOnion newsroom debated that very question.  We want to keep our "G" rating, so we decided on: a nancy of nixons.

You will recall that yesterday was "I Am Not A Crook" day for the Fresno 5th Grade Ethics Class, taught by Ms. Moyer. Everyone wore Nixon masks.

We promised to report on the three essay winners.

Out of the 32 students, 16 were disqualified for reference to current affairs, ten were eliminated because they couldn't picture themselves as crooks, and three weren't allowed to participate because their parents objected.

The three default essay winners who finished the sentence "I am not a crook, but if I were....."  were: 

Jody Harmsparger.  "......I would steal from the haves and give to the have nots."

Bernie Lee Gadly.  "....I would have better golf scores."

Elrod Hennessey.  ".....I would never get caught."

We are wearing Ray-Bans  today because our future is bright.

We're On It

Whenever a rumor has some plausibility, we assign an intern to track it down.

Well this rumor has two interns, our junior assistant real estate reporter, and our senior tourism editor all scrambling.

Channel 12 in Cincinnati has reported that a developer from Kentucky has purchased a dozen former Frisch's Big Boy locations.  

While the story didn't indicate his plans for the properties, we are tracking down a story that came to us yesterday morning.

Many around town have been wondering what is going on out at the massive hay field at the intersection of the good county road and the US Hi-way.

There have been orange flagged stakes in the ground for a year now.  Somebody said that somebody heard some rich guy is putting up a Frisch's Big Boy museum.  

The Kentucky developer is Lee Greer and some say he bought the 12 locations just for the Big Boy statues and vintage signs.  

A neighbor of his cousin says that Mr. Greer has collected signs, hats, menus, pictures and has a massive amount of memorabilia.  

Mr. Greer attributes his business success to his favorite job growing up, that of waiting tables at the neighborhood Frisch's.

Watch this space.

First Contact

A few days ago we reported to you that Pete and Clete, who has put on a little holiday weight, Sweeney had headed out for Arizona.

Each year the boys spend the month of February watching the Indians - oops Guardians, in spring training.

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom finally got an email from Pete:

Clete and I got to Kansas City the night before last.  Will try to get a better patch on the tire.

The team's convoy of equipment trucks passed us outside of Kingdom City as we were pumping up the tire alongside I 70. They did honk and wave, but didn't stop.

We will stay a couple of days in KC.  Clete wants BBQ.  I will try to catch up with Maxine.  She's an old girlfriend that chose her 18, give or take, mini dachshunds over me.

Will file next report from Hugoton.  We have reservations at the Best Western, Clete is always a hit on open mic night at Bonnie & Clydes Sports Bar, and tee times at Forewinds.

Troublesome for Some

Today is Friday, the 13th day of February.

For some Friday is a problem, you never start a project on a Friday.

For others the number thirteen is frightening. (triskaidekaphobia)

Together they create paraskevidekatriaphobia.

And our friends in the NBC studios of the Bay Area have a report for your consideration.

FresnOnion's Senior Phobia reporter, Peter Prevos, has a good read on all of this.

So if today's a problem for you, take a long nap and we'll see you on Saturday.

Otherwise, celebrate today! It's National Cheddar Day and National Tortellini Day.

To celebrate, a big bowl of melted cheddar drizzled on tortellini is just $3 today at Dirty Sal's Pizza Pie and Pasta Emporium.

Also, Madeline' Spa has Cheddar Facials & Baths available. Appointments a must.

Sensitive

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom aren't sure how to report the following story that was brought to our attention by the good people at National Public Radio.

The question is: how do you feed the predators at the zoo?

In Denmark they asked for your pets.

This sparked a sensitive debate on many levels.

"Yes we had the same issues here," said Harpo Nedle, the Head Zookeeper at The Conesville International Zoo.

"We discontinued accepting donations as too many locals reported their pets as missing," Harpo noted.

The story did spark quite the discussion here in the newsroom amongst employees and interns as we wondered why "Harpo" never really caught on as a popular first name.

One additional note:  Today is Harpo Marx' birthday.

Gift Idea

Pete and Clete (who's put on some additional weight) Sweeney have signed on to be local ambassadors for a worthy charity.

"Yes, it's true we are spokes guys for the Gifts for Guys charity," said Pete.

Gifts for Guys  raises money to fulfill the wishes of local men over 40.

"So what we are selling this holiday season is a punch card to the many Ohio amusement parks," Clete explained.

"The other's fell in line once we inked the popular Idora Park in Youngstown.  Everyone wants to ride the Wildcat!" Pete said excitedly.

The other amusement parks include Geauga Lake, Chippewa Lake, Coney Island, LeSourdsville Lake, Luna Park, Indianola Park and Euclid Park.

The Gifts for Guys  punch cards sell for $400.55.  If you present a card that has all eight destinations being visited, you will receive 5% off next year's card.

See the Sweeney's or pick up a flyer anywhere cheese is sold.

Online purchases can be made at: www.giftsforguys.oof

Truck Stop News

Lonny Manziel has announced some news about his truck stop out at the intersection of the good county road and the old state route.

"We are going to remain open 24 hours a day through the holiday season," said Lonny.  "I know we're always open all the time, but there had been some rumors that I was going to give some people time off for all the various celebrations going on, so I just wanted to get out front of that topic."

Manziel also said that the diner has a new fry cook.  Willard Starcherly has been recruited from the big truck stop just east of Columbus.

"What I like about ole Willard is that he cooks with lard," said Manziel.  "His pie crusts, his fried taters, and extra crispy smashburgers all taste a little better."

Manziel went on to note that the gift shop is fully stocked for the gift giving needs of his patrons and all shower stalls have been re-tiled.

Manziel then stressed that only half of the big screen tvs would be tuned to the sports stations.

"Yea, we're trying to be a little more 'correct' and appease some pushy customers that want to watch the fixer-upper channel," he grimly acknowledged.

One important note:  we here at the fresnOnion newsroom were concerned about the famous pot roast, french fries and gravy plate being continued, and ole Willard promised there would be no changes there.

Whew......

S.S.U.

Opening Night

After a year of writing, re-writing, prop failures, re-casting and rehearsals, the much anticipated Hindenburg - the Musical will hit the boards tonight at 8pm.

Gideon Marconi is the director and admitted it has been a long slog to get to tonight.

"Yes, quite a long ordeal, but the cast is more than ready," said Marconi. "We had to re-cast the female lead because she had an inappropriate relationship with a person in charge of make-up,  our piano player took a gig on a cruise line, and the young man who volunteered to pull the curtains got grounded." 

The plot of Hindenburg - the Musical, will take you through the year of 1936 to the fateful day in New Jersey, May 6th, 1937.

In 1936 the Hindenburg had completed a successful round trip from Frankfurt to Rio de Janeiro.

"That trip to Rio is the 'feel-good' part of our story," noted the director.

Those who attend will hear soon to be classics that some say will rival other hit musicals like Oklahoma, Chicago, West Side Story and The Lion King.

Marconi says songs like: So That is Rio  (an original), Strange Weather (the Glen Frey hit that was adapted for musical theater) and another original, Humanity, will leave you wanting to buy the soundtrack.

Hindenburg - the Musical will run for three weekends at the Baird Theatre on the east end of town.  Overflow parking at the feed mill.

Just as "Red, White and Blaine" thought it would be nominated, Gideon Marconi feels his production is also worthy of "a little gold statue."

After School

There is a segment of our population that believes that extra-curricular activities are nonsense.

We here in the newsroom of the fresnOnion do NOT subscribe to that way of thinking.

We strongly encourage every child to find his place doing something after school.

Some play sports, some take up a musical instrument, some are in 4-H or scouting.

Then there are those like us who are 'nerds'.  

The Fresno Elementary School CleverKids  is  a club for the young ones who get straight A's in computers, math, science and robotics.

And again today they will be throwing a birthday party for Simon Helberg who is turning 45.  

And, as usual, there will be speeches given and awards handed out to the best impressions of Howard Wolowitz.

He still has not RSVP'd. In fact he has never attended, even though he's been invited ever since 2007.  He did try to come in 2008, but took a wrong turn on the good county road.

Pictures and more information on the CleverKids can be found on their website: www.youwillworkforussomeday.bbt

Biz News

A much needed service has come to our region.

Sr. Fillmore Millard has relocated to our county and with him comes a unique ability of fletching.

"Fillmore is one of the world's finest fletchers," says the Grand Maker of the Worshipful Company of Fletchers, Horace Grant.

Sr. Millard has been commended for correctly using male and female feathers only, no plastic. He has achieved the status, recognition and position of Senior.

His arrows and darts are aerodynamically stabilized far beyond industry standards, according to Grant. "I've never heard of his work being under-fletched or over-fletched. Never."

Now that archery season is over, but the Bow Club Arrows & Darts League season is about to start in May, it is a good time to visit his shop. 

​But, be warned, it might take some time to understand his thick cockney accent. Sr. Millard relocated here from East London where he was choir director at St. Mary-le-Bow Church on Cheapside.

​"I moved here because I met a girl on the internet," admitted the famous fletcher.

You'll find Fillmore's Fletching in the refurbished quonset hut at the abandoned airstrip, over the hill from Zimmerman's Dairy.

If you throw darts, he promises a week turnaround.

Sr. Millard says he's open if the "open" sign is in the window.

It Was Him

If you thought you saw the silver haired guy from NBC walking the streets of Baltic recently, you saw correctly.

Keith Morrison, considered the "granddaddy of true crime", has been in the region regularly investigating a reoccurring crime that dates back 20 years for Dateline.

We tracked him down at The Tie-Dyed Lotus Resort and questioned him whilst he was trying to eat breakfast.

"I can confirm that Lester (Holt) and I are investigating the unsolved mystery of the missing buggies," said Morrison.

2026 marks the twentieth anniversary of the first "missing buggy" report.

Every year since 2006, local constable Rollie F. Trupe has reported that two buggies a year have come up missing.  Missing from restaurant parking lots, church lots, or market lots.

"Lester will be here next month for a week.  Then I will return in March.  We're going to slow roll this and get it right," promised Morrison.

"Besides, we just love staying here at 'The Tie-Dyed' and really don't want to check out," admitted the veteran newsman.

1st Season Drops

We're not sure if you know this or not, but when you come across a good story, sometimes it's difficult to decide on just where to start.

Sometimes a writer will start with the ending and then go back and tell you the backstory.  We won't do that. So we will start at the beginning:  the wedding.

Local Cable Channel 80, FZNO's camera "people" moonlight as wedding videographers.  Thus was the case of the Biondo-Petrie  wedding. The camera "people" recognized that something special could come of this union.

You see, Maryann Biondo is a descendent of Flavio Biondo and Martin Petrie is from the William Flinders Petrie bloodline. She a newbie antiquarian and he a rookie archeologist.

Just as the Tedeschi Trucks, Johansson Jost and Mullally Offerman couples were universe pleasing simpatico, so is Biondo Petrie.

Shortly after marriage they formed the American Atticology Company.  And Local Cable Channel 80 FZNO followed them for the past two years documenting their ventures into local attics in search of history.  

"We just...", "love to plunder," they said, finishing each other's sentence.  They do that a lot.  It was annoying to the video editors.

Now the entire 24 episode season has been dropped and will air each Saturday night exclusively on FZNO+ the premium, extra expense streaming app.  

You can also buy the first season on DVD or VHS at a Blockbuster  near you for $499.99.

Packed House

It seems everyone was in attendance last night at the emergency meeting of town council.

Councilmember Iona May Smartzentoober formed the self appointed committee to investigate an allegation that longtime Constable Rollie F. Trupe was in the Epstein Files.

Smartzentoober is one of the ladies of the church that staffs local events.  She said she overheard some talk about Trupe's "4-day weekend" back in 2006.

Trupe admitted that he took vacation days on Friday and Monday and went to "points south".  He has never said why.

Iona May, and her committee of one, started to dig for the facts on why a 70 year old man at the time might be linked to Jeffery Epstein.

"Upon further inquiry I have determined that Constable Trupe is fully exonerated of the salacious rumours of having any ties to Epstein," said Councilmember Smartzentoober.

When asked to explain, Trupe stood before the throngs and admitted that he played in a Member-Guest golf tournament at Stonybrook East GC  in Orlando.

"My handicapped was a little inflated and we won by 18 strokes," said a sheepish Trupe who netted 59 both days.

The winner's plaque in the men's locker room has an asterisk by his name.

Finally

Local Dentist Dr. Mario Johannsen has just been licensed, certified and approved to administer all the numbing agents needed for dental work.

"It was a tough and long process", said the elderly doctor.

Up until this week, his patients had to endure the "minor discomfort" associated with drilling for cavities and pulling teeth.

"I do thank them for their tolerance over the years," noted Dr. Johannsen.

His press release indicated that he is now proficient in all the 'caines'.

Along with the popular novocaine or benzocaine gel, lidocaine,  articaine, mepivacaine, or bupivacaine are also options.

Along with the press release, the good doctor said he put a notice in the church bulletin.

A Gift Idea

The local SERTFAF (Service To Family And Friends) Club has announced their latest fundraising effort.

"We have purchased a boatload of Meerkats for holiday gifting," said SERTFAF President Ward Robello.

"One of our members saw a PBS documentary on these little fellas and thought they would make a super pet," said Robello.

"So he contacted his cousin who owns Imports of Ernest  and set the whole thing up.  We got a 'buy in bulk' and 'family' and 'cash' discount too," noted Ward. "So we should expect a nice profit."

The SERTFAF Club members will be on hand today from noon - 4 at the town center gazebo to sell the Meerkats.

"We just got'em yesterday and need to sell'em today", declared Robello.

If you are shopping today instead of watching the Browns get beat, consider getting a Meerkat for the cousins you don't like.

Tough News

Sometimes the business of reporting difficult, unnerving, awful news makes us question our purpose in life.

Sometimes, we here in the newsroom of the fresnOnion think that ignorance might just be bliss.

But we report all the news. So with that resolve we are obligated to tell you about a 20 year old study that came out last month in the New York Post.

Kingston University  in London now tells us that we shouldn't make our beds when we wake up. 

Researchers determined that  "Leaving the bed unmade allows trapped moisture from sleep to evaporate, creating dry, unfavorable conditions that dehydrate and reduce dust mites." 

When you make your bed immediately, you trap the damp sheets under the bedspread.

This story came to our attention because one of the secretaries in accounting lives next to the Doubleday family halfway out the bad township road.

Abby and Dirk's seven children haven't made their bed in six weeks.

Garwood, the eldest child, says "I wish I'd known about this years ago.   Mom teaches us to make our beds at age six.  I'm 16.....that's ten years of incubating dust mites!"

Pet Store Booming

All it took was one well placed article on the interweb to boost sales at Jackie Lamb's pet store.

Lamb's Weird and Strange PetWorld, over in Isleta, has always featured the odd creatures that God created.

"But, I tell you after Christian Dreru ,who writes for A-Z Animals website, came in and then wrote about the pets, our sales have skyrocketed," said an appreciative Lamb.

Lamb went on to share with us here at the fresnOnion that a new shipment just came in, and her inventory now includes:

4 Hydra

4 Hispaniolan Solenodon

10 Nine-Banded Armadillos

6 Hyrax

11 Pink Fairy Armadillo

"And we were able to procure one Honey Badger!" said an excited Jackie. "OF course there's special vetting and paperwork for this one."

These oddities are just a small sampling of what you will find at the Isleta store.  Lamb also has the usual slow horses, fat dogs, assorted cats, gerbils, fish, and de-scented skunks for gift giving.

Lamb's Weird and Strange PetWorld is open by appointment only because she has four active children.  

Friends and relatives refer to Jackie's children as "little lambs", of course Mary is the oldest.

The Upside

Regular readers of the fresnOnion will recall that an intern was intrigued by a clickbait headline that resulted in our entire computer network being forced into shutdown.

So one of the upsides of our brand new computer network is a function called Digital Rolodex.

All newsrooms have "contact" lists that are used as resources for their stories.

We had three massive rolodexes for that purpose.  One was an alphabetic collection of contacts,  the other was by topic while the third was by profession.

With the new Digital Rolodex, each card was scanned into the system and all cards are now one click away.

Guess what the interns have been doing this week?  I had to buy them pizza to keep them happy.

BTW, I kept the old rolodexes on my desk....

Up, Down, Right or Just Right?

The headline asks a very important question these days.

When it comes to the most important emotional issue of: your possessions....what is enough?

It has come to our attention here in the fresnOnion newsroom that there are businesses out there who will help some folks "downsize" their situation.

Downsizing Specialists, LLC out of Kensington, Maryland might be the world leaders in such efforts. Their 5.0 Google review confirms that.

"We help families who want to bring some order to their lifelong accumulations. We find our services are most beneficial in helping grown children deal with their parent’s accumulations ..." according to their website, 

But for every action there is a reaction.

"There are some of us who work vigorously, every day at 'upsizing' our stuff," said one local, anonymous collector who we caught up with as he was stopped to pick up a bucket on the interstate.

"I always have my eyes open to pick that additional piece for my collections," he noted.  "And there is a cavernous difference between valuable  andjunk!"

And then there is Mrs. Wiggins, who lives in that cute little craftsman house out on the good county road.

"I only collect buttons," she said.  "And my collection is just about right. I find so much joy when I am leaving the club and look down to find a button."

We'll end with a valuable life lesson:  You just never know when you might need a 3 foot piece of angle iron.

Retired

Howard "Doc" Brownbrooke has called it a career.

"I haven't seen a patient yet this year, so I guess I'll just take down the shingle," said Doc.

Brownbrooke, while not an accredited doctor, has treated locals for over 80 years.

He is most notably  known for being a "toad doctor".

Ever since the 1600s medical researchers and doctors believed that toads had healing properties.

Doc  used dried powdered toads to soothe inflammation and relieve headaches and skin conditions.

When asked to reflect on the past as well as future plans, Doc said, "well I started when I was fifteen and I just turned 95.  It's becoming  harder and harder to get a Canadian Toad because of tariffs, so I guess I'll take up golf."

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom applaud Doc's service to mankind and hope he's not in the foursome in front of us.

More On JR

John Roy (JR) Waltersham, who says he is running for something in "warshingtun", was the guest last night down at the local club.

He gave a rousing campaign speech just before counting down to the new year.

In the spirit of fair reporting, it should be noted that he lost count between six and 7.

Just before 2026 arrived JR said that if elected, he would:

- investigate why gas can be 40 cents different between here and Canton.

- investigate why "My Name Is Earl" was cancelled.

- investigate that "holding" call on the Browns in Arizona back on December 15, 2019.

- and, investigate why JIM BEAM  is closing for a year.

When he finished, JR did some shots with club members and then started the countdown.

Happy New Year from the staff and management of the fresnOnion. Of all the years we have anticipated, 2026 is one of them.

I.C.Y.M.

That means in case ya missedit.

Last year we were mesmerized by the live stream of the deep ocean thanks to our friends at The Schmidt Ocean Institute.

Many of you, including some lazy interns here in the fresnOnion newsroom, did not witness the amazing deep sea creatures that were revealed.

Well after some extensive research, and an email from our revered correspondent at CNN - Ashley Strickland Ko, we can now share that video with you.

Click here (if you haven't been taught about hypertext)

And the rest of the story is you can now purchase some of those creatures as the research team has a fundraiser ongoing at: www.gotcha.noob

Local Politics

The last town council meeting of the year ended last evening with the promise of exciting meetings to come.

Councilmember Freida Beck recently returned from a holiday in Sweden.  While there she learned of "Fredagsmys." 

Loosely translated Fredagsmys means "Cozy Friday."

"Instead of ending the work week with a busy after-hours event or rushing home to get ready for a party, I propose we just stay home," explained Freida.

She was so impressed with how it promoted better mental health in Sweden, Beck introduced legislation to make Fredagsmys mandatory.

That means no parties, all businesses close at 5pm and everyone must stay in.

The ordinance was given a first reading, meaning that when town council reconvenes in January, there will be two more times for residents to weigh in.

Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe said it would make his job easier.

Tonight!

Another unscheduled, pop-up Hootenanny will take place this evening at the Miller's Dip Grange Hall.

The Scurrilous Truth  will entertain the lucky who attend.

"What happened was their road manager called me, we're cousins right, and said they will be driving through on their way to St. Louis,"  grange hall custodian and manager Peter DeLoria on explaining our good fortune.

"The boys are scheduled to play Stifel Theater tomorrow night and want to fine tune some new songs," DeLoria continued.

The Scurrilous Truth  are this generation's J. Geils Band and bring an energy to the stage not witnessed since the times of the great wooba gooba.

Another interesting note is that the ladies of the church will be debuting three new beers from their microbrewery.

Those who drink will be able to sample the 'Holidale', the 'Lewisville Lager' and 'Bettys Bellywash'.  Of course the ladies will offer the always popular 'Fresno Shandy'.

Doors open at 6 with the curtains going up at 7:30.  Autographs, selfies and record album signings will take place before and after.

DeLoria did want us to remind everyone of the dress code: either flannel or work shirts, jeans or corduroy are suggested.  Footwear choice is optional but mandatory.

Another Novel

   Remember when Porter Wagoner would refer to Dolly Parton as "a purty 'lil lady"?

   Well we have one that walks amongst us too.  She stands just 4' 5" but is a giant in the literary sphere.

   Goldie "Lil Bit" Dandridge has lived here most of her adult life.  And for most of her adult life, she has been churning out best-sellers at a prolific rate.

   Dandridge's latest, #43,  has been shipped and our senior book review editor here at the fresnOnion says he read it in just eight quick sittings.  

   Titled: A Season of Troubadours and Truants, Goldie says it is the first of a strategic trilogy.

   'Lil Bit will conduct her usual 'new release reading and book signing party' this Friday night at her downtown bistro: 'Lil Bit's Brasserie.

   For those who have never attended such an event, reservations and book orders are a must, proper attire is required (this means no cargo shorts, muscle shirts and crocs for men; ladies can wear whatever is comfortable), and the drink special is B2G2 - that's the minimum. 

   Ms. Dandridge tells us that Netflix, Apple TV, Amazon Prime, HBO and Paramount+ will be there to gauge audience reaction.  Each streaming service is in negotiations with her to create a limited series of A Season of Troubadours and Truants.

   The Hallmark Channel said they are staying as far away as they can from this one . Said they are protecting their "brand" and all.

   The meet, greet, drink & read begins at 7pm.

The Answering Machine

Everytime we get a good message on the answering machine here at the fresnOnion, we are reminded about the classic episode on the Red Green Show. (click here if you've never seen it.)

Well this morning, we had another message on our answering machine that must be shared.

She shall remain nameless, but everyone around these parts knows who this message is from:

"Hello.  I am just calling about something that I keep hearing on the news show.  What is all this concern about TICK TALK?  I mean is it similar to a Ted Talk? Or the birds and bees talk? Is it a new podcasting?

We should encourage TICK TALK.  These critters can be dangerous.  The neighbor got a thing called Lime Disease.  She turned green.  And dogs can get the Lime Disease too.

I'm glad the president is concerned about TICK TALK.  

Maybe you can do an article or have a town hall or something.  Or just ignore me like you usually do.  Nevermind."

A New Month

Today is March 1st.  To some it means we have turned a corner on the winter, a terribly hard winter it was too.

To others it means that a year's planning this afternoon's exhibit at the Chili Convocation Center is all over but the eating.

March 1st is National Pig Day. AlsoNational Peanut Butter Lovers Day and today is Dadgum That's Good Day.

All three acknowledgments come together for every snack, meal, drink, appetizer, and dessert one can conjure up. Last year's Blue Ribbon winner was the "deep fried sow's ear in chilled peanut butter".

Doors open at 10 and will close at 4.

The ladies of the church will serve appropriate drinks when they get there after church lets out.

Antacids are complimentary.

First Controversy of 2026

Boy our colleagues and cousins over at the Foodandwine.com have really stepped in it.

One of our favorite websites recently published survey results naming the foods that represent each state.

And that very list has set off a firestorm of opinion that we here in the fresnOnion newsroom won't touch, except to say that Ohio is all about pizza.

You can read the soon to be award winning Nicolette Baker's story for yourself, but it did spark some conversation about foods that best represent our neck of the woods.

An informal poll amongst the interns and staff revealed that:

Fried bologna with pepperjack cheese, a slice of onion and honey mustard on a sesame seed bun was us.

A smashburger with pepperjack cheese, a slice of onion and honey mustard on a sesame seed bun was Licking County.

An Italian Sausage with pepperjack cheese, a slice of onion and honey mustard on a sesame seed bun was Tuscarawas County.

A thick slice of ham with pepperjack cheese, a slice of onion and honey mustard on a sesame seed bun was Muskingum County.

A thick slice of turkey breast with pepperjack cheese, a slice of onion and honey mustard on a sesame seed bun was Guernsey County.

And roast beef with pepperjack cheese, a slice of onion and honey mustard on a sesame seed bun was Holmes County.

We suspect Dennis, the large intern, filled out all of the survey cards.  Stay tuned.

Car Meets Building

There's something going on, and we think we have the answer.

If you are one of the many that gets their news from multiple sources, not just reading the fresnOnion every day, then you have to be aware that there are a lot of vehicles crashing into buildings over in the capitol city.

Our close friends at Channel 4 Columbus , especially Stephanie Thompson, said that Police Sgt. James Fuqua  told them there had been 67 cars that crashed into buildings. And that was just for the first six months!

Cars and trucks have crashed into houses, business buildings, even one incident had two cars crashing at the same time.

Well, we here in the newsroom of the fresnOnion weren't satisfied with the story ending there.

Our veteran I-Team (that's investigating team for those that don't know news lingo) started to ask more questions.

And upon further digging they discovered that over 80% of the drivers who crashed into buildings were trained locally at Junior O'Meara's Driving School.

When asked to comment, Junior would only respond by answering a question with a question: "So whaddya doin' blaming me?"

"Uncle" Kicked

There was quite the activity last evening out at Uncle Bumiller's place.

One of our interns here at the fresnOnion was driving by Uncle's place on her way to the Burger Chef,  and noticed that every blue, red and amber light in the county was flashing.

So the upstart journalist thought, "this could be news," and stopped.

Seems that Bumiller's mule kicked him in the head.  Mrs. Bumiller found him wandering around in the side yard.

"He was about half out of it, muttering something about the Browns and Haslam and Berry...I don't know what all," she told authorities.

After the medics took him for observation, the neighbors started reminiscing about how Uncle got his nickname.

Cletus Bumiller grew up on a farm. He was taller than all the 9 year olds and much stronger from throwing around bales of hale and bags of sorghum.

Cletus would sneak up behind the smaller boys in his class and bend their arms behind their backs until they said "uncle".

By the age of 13 it was obvious that Cletus had finished growing and the other boys caught up and surpassed him in height and strength.

They returned the favor of making him say "uncle" until he just started blurting "uncle,uncle,uncle" when he saw them coming.

Thus Cletus became known as "Uncle" Bumiller.

And that's the rest of that story.

Because of HIPPA laws we can't give you an update on his condition this morning.

Golf News

The season ending Members Skins Game was conducted over the weekend at the posh Lake Lila Golf and Country Club.

The four leading shop-credit money winners from the past year qualify for this lucrative competition, sponsored by Ivan's Chicken Farms.

Chip Wedgley, Dub Drinkovitch, Cleek Shankowski and Hack Nanner were the four sandbagging qualifiers.  

The Skins Game is played at scratch (no handicap) which is fitting and made for some fun TV.

Local Cable Channel 80 FZNO documented the event for replay on New Year's Day.

The sold-out crowd of members all readily signed NDA's as the club received a hefty check from FZNO.

The fresnOnion newsroom has a corporate membership and we can tell you that bogeys tied a lot of holes.

Today In History

November 14th.  One of the most important dates in the history of The United States of America.

Everyone here in the fresnOnion newsroom - interns, research analysts, custodians, dieticians, therapists, everyone - treat this day with the utmost reverence.

It was on November 14th, 1888 that the first golf club was formed:  The St. Andrews Golf Club in Yonkers, NY.

What started as a 3 holer, expanded to 6 holes  and is America's oldest existing golf club.  The St. Andrews Club expanded to 18 holes when they moved to their current location. 

Local stand-outs on the links, Pete and Clete Sweeney have applied for memberships, but denied every time.

"I blame Clete's behaviour at the member-guest tournament," said Pete.

"I blame Pete for driving the cart into the creek at the  par three 16th," countered Clete.

The oldest golf club in Ohio is either the Cincinnati Country Club or the Cleveland Golf Club.  You debate.

The fresnOnion annual employee scramble is today at The Zoar Golf Club.   Paninis and beer at The Lockport Brewery afterwards.

 Our offices will reopen tomorrow at 4:30 am.

Today!

We are not sure about where you live, but here it has been a long, hard winter.

But, today means that there is a light at the end of this frigid tunnel we've endured.  Today is the Final Friday  celebration at The Lake Lila Country Club.

Every year on the last Friday of February, The Lake Lila CC  hosts an open house with various activities.

There is a swap meet for members and guests to bring their golf clubs to sell or trade.  Just last year Betty McGrady finally sold her Patty Berg starter set.  (Don't tell her that Marvin Lillystein used them for tomato stakes).

Betty is the oldest (91) and most tenured (5) lady member of LLCC.  She was the first lady to pay her membership in 2021 when the club started to accept female applications.  

Everyone brought their clubs to the conference room last night to set up and we here in the fresnOnion newsroom can confirm that there are some fantastic deals.  We saw a left-handed 68 degree wedge for just $150!

The new General Manager, Rober Suenisia, will introduce his support staff.  Rober is also available to meet privately with prospective new members. 

Paige Spiranic will be on hand to schedule her junior golf program.  

Head Chef Morley Wafer will have finger foods all day.

Chief Mixologist, Suzi Mulroon, will mix.

But the most important part of the day is that members can book their tee times for the season and pick up the Head Pro Herman Kaiser IV's member event schedule. 

Doors open at 10 this morning.

Wait, What?

   Sometimes in life, there are things that make you realize your age.

   During our roundtable monthly storyboarding session that is held the final Wednesday of every month here in the fresnOnion newsroom, a topic came up that made some of us pause.

   The interns and junior associate journos sit in the chairs against the walls, while the bosses sit at the big table.

    We were just about ready to adjourn when Sydney Sweeney, Pete's granddaughter, piped up about "performative dating". 

   It must have been the look on our faces that encouraged her to explain: sometimes guys wear glasses they don't need, wear clothes and shoes that are out of character, and carry the novel or magazine that are all designed to get them a lady's attention.

   "In fact your friends over at USA Today  wrote a whole story on the phenomenon," she offered.  "Guys also take up  hobbies just to make them look attractive."

   The middle aged women think we should devote some space to this topic, the men agreed to contemplate the possible story.

   One guy took his glasses off and covered up his copy of Vogue. 

Lecture Tonight

   The small town, rotating, MAKING LIFE BETTER lecture series moves to Ragersville tonight.

   Regionally acclaimed writer, producer, and, podcaster and tv commentator Ruthie Jean Zachek will share some insights from her new best-seller: Proper Social Cynicism, a Guide to Acceptable Debate Tactics During These Polarized Times.

   A recent online literary critic noted that this book helps when the topic of gambling in sports starts to dominate the room.

   Ms. Zachek promises to share just enough to make you want to purchase her book immediately.

   She did say that there will be an autograph and selfie period after her lecture.  And that she will discount the price of $89.99 by 5% if you bring a can of dog food for the local pound.

   The doors at the Ragersville community room in the old cheese house will open at 6 with the lecture starting at 7.  (we know the OSU game is at 7:30).  

The ladies of the church will serve Gertrude Steinmetz' popular 'twisted tea recipe'. 

editor's note:  we, here in the fresnOnion newsroom, have received more than a few inquiries about 'the ladies of the church'.  And yes they are always looking for new members, yes they do sample their servings, and yes it is a for-profit enterprise. 

A Concerning Trend

The Associated Press reported recently about an act of vandalism that has many alarmed.

According to the AP, a North Carolina woman was driving along, minding her own business, probably singing a Neil Sedaka song when "....a bald eagle just dropped a cat on my windshield...."

In a show of real compassion, the 911 dispatcher asked if the cat was still alive.

We discussed the merits of reporting such a story here in the fresnOnion newsroom, and decided to follow up with local Constable Rollie F. Trupe.

He said, in a carefully worded, prepared statement:

"While I have never had a call like this, I am prepared to treat every constituent with the utmost respect and dignity.  I would never think them to be crazy, drunk or high.  I did check the national database and while this was the first report of a bald eagle committing vehicle vandalism this year, there were no such reports last year.

This is a 100%  increase and should be monitored.

So first it started with the deer jumping in front of our cars, now we have to worry about attacks from above," his statement concluded.

To our faithful, alert & intellectual readers, you decide - we just report.

Was this story worthy of your time? Poll (click here)

A Big Win

When you are at the top, some say winning is easier.  Others feel that you are a target.

Strasburg State University  has just pulled off another admirable feat.

It was announced late Friday that Dr. Du Lee Noted will be joining the faculty on February 1st.

"When I saw that Dr. Noted had entered the transfer portal I jumped at the chance to sign him," said  Miguel Moynihan, the Dean of the S.S.U. Copyist Department.

"You can record it, you can type it, you can print it, but in certain circles unless a scribe has handwritten the topic onto certified parchment, then it is not official," said Moynihan.

Strasburg State  is the premier institution for educating and training scriveners and scribes.

"That's why their students are hired before graduating," said Dr. Noted.  "I am pleased that an employment package could be worked out." 

Mesopotamian Calligraphy by Dr. Du Lee Noted has been the profession's "bible" since it was first published in 1975.

Public records revealed that Dr. Noted will be paid $950,863.22 per annum, full family health benefits, publishing support, three assistant scriveners, a driver to and from the campus, free lunch, a membership to the Lake Lila Golf and Country Club and every Wednesday off to play in league.

Tricky

The day was the 17th of November.

The year was 1973.

The quote was, "I am not a crook."

It was on this day in history that President Richard Milhous Nixon told 400 Associated Press editors that he wasn't a crook and he'd earned everything he has.

The day was the 17th of November.

The year was 1974 - one year later.

Ms. Moyer's fifth grade ethics class at Fresno Elementary  observed the day with a "I'm Not A Crook" commemoration. 

The students wore Nixon masks, gave the two-finger "victory" or "peace" sign and wrote essays.

The essays finished the sentence, "I am not a crook, but if I were....." 

The top three essays were read at the end of the day to the entire school in a special assembly.

​And Ms. Moyer's class has done so every year since.

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom are keen to attend today's assembly and will report tomorrow on the three winners.