Local Heroes
There is a picture that is going viral locally of Pete and Clete Sweeney's Ohio State Flag that they planted in Dave Portnoy's yard.
Portnoy is a Meechigan fan and has been all over the tube, radio, and interweb with his pro-UofM opinions.
"Yea, we drove as fast as we could. When it was obvious that the Bucks would win we headed toward Nantucket," said Pete who drove as Clete can't get behind the wheel of their Pinto (he's put on a little weight).
"While I put up the flag, Pete scribbled 'Ryan Day lives here rent free' on an empty Keystone Light 24 pack box," said Clete.
While we here in the fresnOnion newsroom neither condone or condemn flag planting, we think the headline speaks for itself.
Pete and Clete should be back in time for the Browns game today.
Lengthy Meeting
Last night's town council meeting lasted much longer than usual.
"Yea, we usually get our business conducted in a half an hour, but tonight's debate kept us here for nearly three hours," said council president Homer Grabbsum.
The topic that caused such emotional testimony from the throngs was the item on the agenda to ban The Elderly Christy Minstrels from singing Christmas Carols this season.
The crowd was equally divided on the issue.
"They can't carry a tune worth a lick" was countered with "They aren't hurting anyone" arguments.
Over 300 took to the public podium to share their views.
Finally President Grabbsum tabled the motion until next week.
"The council members and I needed to get home to dinner," said Homer after adjourning and on his way out the door.
Watch this space next week for more coverage on this volatile matter.
A New Menu
The Fabulous Circular Restaurant located on 'top of the rock' is promoting their new menu.
The Top of the Rock rotating restaurant is perched on top of Standing Rock in Pearl, Ohio.
Head Chef Chevaulier Battenbern says he's changing things up a bit.
"I brought my entire sous chef team with me six months ago, but the locals requested a few additions," said Battenbern.
Now every Wednesday will be Hot Dog Night.
"We'll have jumbo all-beef dogs with assorted scratch-made sauces, including coney, sauerkraut or chopped onion in a vinegar/ketchup sauce," noted the chef. "My team will boil, broil, grill, pan fry or deep fry your dogs."
Every Saturday will be Seafood Night.
"We've contracted with Treetop Crop Dusting and Special Delivery Aviators to fly in fresh fish, clams, shrimp and oysters from a supplier out of Morey's Pier on Wildwood Island in New Jersey," promised Chevaulier.
Reservations are required.
The silent owner of Top of the Rock would like to remind everyone that his restaurant is not ADA compliant as it is a "walk up." He did promise delivery to your car for take away orders.
Performance Review
One of our brightest interns in the Arts and Culture Department here at the fresnOnion is Ambrose Booker, III.
Ambrose asked if he could attend and write a review of last night's pop-up hootenanny at the Miller's Dip Grange Hall.
You will recall that a rare appearance in this area of The Scurrilous Truth was on tap.
We told Ambrose to keep it brief as we operate on limited space.
Here is his review:
They were billed as this generation's J. Geils Band. I have every album of that iconic band out of Worcester, Mass.
I am familiar with the area because my cool uncle Billy lives there. He has supplied me with every east coast rock band Long Playing record from 1962-1979. (He says rock died at the end of the '70s).
I am here to tell you that The Scurrilous Truth lived up to their billing. Especially their "tribute set" of an extended version of the classic Where Did Our Love Go?, the Donnie Elbert hit that was covered by the Supremes and J. Geils.
The set then segued into Devil's Gun that we all recall was by CJ and Company. These boys stretched Devil's Gun out to 19 minutes.
The "tribute set" ended with the Geil's roof-raisin' Whammer Jammer/Hard Drivin Man. What set this one off was when the drummer Ethan Corman came out front with his harmonica and joined the band's horn and harmonica player, Remy Ralston for a mouth harp duel for the ages.
All in all, the evening was awesome, as was the beer. If you ever get a chance to try the Lewisville Lager do so. Also get tickets to The Scurrilous Truth, you'll go home exhausted.
Year End Report
The local White Eyes Creek and Tributary Office has released their end of year report.
"Our reporting year runs from November 1 thru October 31st," says Office secretary Ima Goodlin.
"And we find it amusing that at the same time our report comes out that World Atlas reports the top 5 waterways that have alligators," noted Goodlin.
Florida, Texas, Georgia, Alabama and Louisiana made the top of the list.
"We are very happy to report to the public that the Mighty White Eyes Creek and all of her tributaries are 'alligator free'" said a beaming Ima.
We here in the fresnOnion newsroom applaud the efforts of everyone on the staff at The White Eyes Creek and Tributary Office for their diligent work each year.
And we are glad that their 54.9 mil renewal levy passed on Tuesday.
Lotus Schedule
The Tie-Dyed Lotus in Baltic, east central Ohio's only 1.5 star resort, has announced their Thanksgiving weekend schedule
On Wednesday, The Lotus will have their popular annual Chef's Surprise for all three meals.
"What I do is clean out the coolers utilizing the past 4 days of extra food. The staff arrange the buffets with very creative casseroles," said Head Chef Milton.
Then on Thursday you will experience the fine dining traditional Thanksgiving Turkey Dinner.
"I smoke, bake, broil and deep fry the turkeys, which are locally sourced," noted Milton.
The 'big screen room' will also be open for those who want to watch the football games and eat on a tv tray.
On Friday, if your high school football season is over, The Turkey Sandwich Special is always popular. Bingo starts at 7.
"I think the sandwich is so popular because of how I build it," says Chef. "I start with a big slice of homemade bread, a thick slice of turkey breast, our own hothouse tomato slice, a layer of fritos and topped with a slice of bread slathered with my very own stadium mustard/mayo/caramelized onion&bacon jam. It is good, if I do say so myself."
Saturday's College Football Tailgate Party will begin at 9am. The Buckeyes-Wolverines game starts at noon. All Buckeye fans will gather in the 'big screen room' and Meechigan fans can watch on their phones in the free wi-fi space located in the shed.
The usual Sunday NFL Free Brunch Buffet runs from 10a to halftime of the early games.
The Lotus will close at 3:30.
Information and reservations can be found at www.balticLotus.nap
Think About It
We here in the fresnOnion newsroom are inundated with story ideas and press releases as well as our own extensively sourced news reports.
We debate the merits of each story that makes its way onto our daily page.
Today we will just copy and paste a press release that came in yesterday.
Remember, we report - you make up your own mind.
For Immediate Release
From: The Office of Conspiracy Theory Creation
RE: Shedeur Sanders to the Cleveland Browns
The Office of Conspiracy Theory Creation(OCTC) believes that the enterprise known as 'The NFL' collectively agrees that all teams should be equal.
The Cleveland Browns are not very good.
The OCTC believes that it is the goal of The NFL, that began with Pete Rozelle, for every team to be as good as the next.
The NFL believes that when there is parity, (on any given Sunday any team can win), the "company" is profitable. The company sells more merchandise, has more fans, and drives up television revenues.
To that end, the OCTC proffers that The NFL, through its CEO Roger Goodell, convinced all franchise owners that for the Browns to get back to respectability they needed to draft one of the two best quarterbacks available.
Also, it is the opinion of the OCTC that the Browns should use their early picks on other position players so Goodell instructed the other owners to lay off Sanders, thusly making a first round draft pick available in the fifth round.
The only glitch identified by the OCTC is that The NFL forgot to tell Mel Kiper.
-30-
Quite A Feat
Every now and then an accomplishment comes along that makes us truly marvel.
We are still in awe of Cal Ripken playing 2,632 games in a row. We were there when it started on May 30, 1982...dude was good.
We are still talking about the time my best girl and I saw Usain Bolt run 100 meters in 9.58 seconds..."dude's fast" she said.
We remember when dad handed us the sports page that had Wilt's story about scoring 100 points in a game..."dude's good" he said.
And now, because of the soon to be award winning story, our favorite website and publication 614.now is reporting about Birdie grilling his 1 millionth steak!
Roberto "Birdie" Hernandez is the fabled grill master at Longhorn Steakhouse in Columbus, and what many don't realize is that one of our own has history there.
Clete (who has put on a lot of weight since he and Birdie crossed paths) Sweeney is recognized as the very first person to have consumed one of Birdie's steaks.
"I remember that day," said Clete. "I was so excited to be the first customer, so I camped out front for 2 days."
Clete says the steak was so good he insisted on meeting Roberto and a lifelong friendship began.
"He has called me every time a milestone was coming up and served me number one thousand, number 5 thousand, 10 thousand and so on. He's a good friend," Clete confirmed.
When we here at the fresnOnion contacted the grill king for a comment he said, "Ese güey traga" {"dude can eat."}
For his accomplishment, at a ceremony to mark the event, Hernandez was given a special chef's coat, a bump in pay and a $30 gift card to Fogo de Chao.
Jurisprudence News.
Yesterday's ruling out of the local Justice O'the Peace, Haywood Hale's office, has the country's legal world abuzz.
Hale granted the request from Sammy Baughman to divorce Bernadette Baughman on the grounds that she is a Flibbertigibbet.
"After Sammy presented his case with over 100 testimonials and then hearing Bernadette's six hour response, I took about 3 minutes to deliberate," said hizzonor.
The discussions overheard at many dining establishments last evening centered on the merits of the case, will there be an appeal, and whether Judge Hale will go on the speaking circuit.
"I guess looking back, I shoulda' considered her being a chronic Flibbertigibbet before I proposed, but couldn't see it because of her other assets," said a resigned Sammy.
We here in the fresnOnion newsroom, will continue to report on this precedent setting judgment.
Let this case be a warning to all young and in love.
Your Reward
"We know how stressful the Thanksgiving holiday at your house can be, that's why we do this," said Marty Magliori.
Marty's ManSpa has been operating for over ten years now and Black Friday really is a lucrative day for his company.
"We are booked up today, but I have extended the special pricing through Sunday. I have extra college kids hired."
Marty's ManSpa will completely detail the inside of the car or truck and wash & wax if the vehicle isn't a junker.
"We had the kid's buffer get caught in a big patch of rust the first year, and the gentleman lost his entire fender," noted Marty.
While your vehicle is being serviced, the men can eat from the buffet, watch fantasy football advice, nap, play euchre, or just zone out in the gummie room.
"The stress of entertaining cousins, coming up with small talk, or keeping someone else's toddler from pulling out all of your LPs, can be overwhelming," said a compassionate Marty.
"That's why we're here."
Marty's ManSpa doesn't have a receptionist, online appointments only at www.martyisagenius.spa
Just Released
There is a new publication out that should be of local interest.
After sixty years of serving the local women as their beautician, Ernestine Battestein has retired and written a book.
Gleanings: Stories Clipped From My Parlor is a collection from Ernestine's years of conversation with her customers.
"I won't call them fables, but there are many life lessons in my book," said the famous trichologist.
A preview of the book by our resident intern that specializes in style critique especially mentions the story about the time when "Bill walked home".
"I waited until some ladies passed on before I told their story, and to be honest some are embarrassingly funny," Battestein noted.
Gleanings: Stories Clipped From My Parlor is available.
Still Leading The Way
Strasburg State University has long been a destination for 'thinkers' worldwide to further their education.
The diverse student body has been responsible for many innovations that have made our universe a better place.
With that in mind, Dr. Beryl Schnellenwaft, Provost at S.S.U. has announced that beginning January 2nd his newest branch for 'thinkers' world wide will be the S.S.U. Institute for Trash.
"We discard, throw away, burn, and flush so much waste everyday that we feel there needs to be some 'thinking' on the matter," said Dr. Schnellenwaft.
"There has to be a re-purpose for Bic razors, plastic milk jugs, lint, and such," the Provost continued.
The S.S.U. Institute for Trash is made possible by a generous grant from Reggie's Trash Hauling.
The registrar's office will accept applications from now until December 31st.
If you know a young 'thinker' forward him this notice. We here in the fresnOnion newsroom know you are and old 'thinker' because you are reading this.
A Big Day
Well, we expect this story to get a lot of clicks.
Today is Taylor Swift's birthday.
She is 36.
The greater Fresno Area Taylor Swift Fan Club will again hold a "Swiftie Birthday" celebration in the Village Centre Community Room.
The projection screen on the east wall will be set up for a live video feed from Taylor that is scheduled for around 3pm.
Along with the usual 'look alike' contest there will be the 'swift kick' competition and the 'not too swift' crowning.
The 'swift kick' involves a football and the dunce hat goes to the fan club member who has done or said something daffy this past year.
All fan club members will enter through the west entrance.
All prospective new members will be screened at the main entrance. To become a new member, one must be able to sing the first line of a Swift song.
Brunch starts at 10:30 and the Swift Karaoke starts at noon.
Local constable Rollie F. Trupe has called surrounding REACT volunteers to help with crowd control.
Note: The investigative journalists here at the fresnOnion are working on the rumor that Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce will be wed in the Pete Ames Carryout and Concert Hall in Chili, and will honeymoon at the Tie Dyed Lotus in Baltic.
Debatable
Other than politics, religion, spanking, and the Browns, is there a more polarizing topic to debate than cats?
Our friend, Ashley Strickland Ko at CNN Science, sent us an article on Where Cats Come From.
The article is a good read and also started quite the weeklong "discussion" on cats here in the fresnOnion newsroom. Some employees and interns have and love their cats while there are polar opposites on the topic.
When handed a printout of the CNN article, one intern was overheard saying, "I don't care where they come from, but I can tell you where they can go!"
The only thing we do know is that if someone hadn't started keeping cats in the house, Edward Lowe would never have invented Kitty Litter.
Just think of the economic benefit.
Just think of your every Saturday chore.
editor's note: since this story broke, the fresnOnion newsroom has received a ton of texts, emails, DM's and phone calls regarding the frequency of cleaning the litter box.
"You've never had a cat!" was the prevalent reader feedback...seems 'every Saturday' is not nearly enough.
Funny Math
We here in the fresnOnion newsroom believe that John Prine said it best: "It's a Big Old Goofy World."
And that's our sentiment exactly.
The Oxford University Press has announced that this year's WORD of the YEAR is actually 2 words!
Rage Bait is like clickbait but wants to make you cross.
Now we're not cross or anything, but it's two words....not one....why not call it "phrase of the year" or something. But to think we can just sit idly by and accept them declaring two words as "word of the year" and not call them out, is both arrogant and disrespectful. Jeesh give us a break!!!!!
It's our advice to not click on the link in this story.
Fair Warning: The News below should not be referenced in your senior class essay
Plainfield (s)
There is this nice little village down the highway called Plainfield. Nice people reside there, too.
And this weekend our local Plainfield will host the annual Plainfield Sister City convention.
Delegates from every town, village, borough, city, municipality, settlement, township, burgh or conurbation that is known as Plainfield, will be here.
There are RSVPs from Illinois, Indiana, and New Jersey, Vermont, Wisconsin, Connecticut, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Michigan (they have several) and New York.
Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe has placed his deputy on "reasonable alert" status.
"The last time we had one of these, there was a small traffic jam, and that was caused by a couple of ladies that had 'I am not budging' attitudes," said Rollie, using air quotes.
All lodging has been booked and most eating establishments will be full this Friday night thru Sunday brunches, so get your groceries today and cook something.
The middle of the day on Saturday will allow all visitors to shop and take guided tours.
One local shoppe owner refers to this time as "black Saturday" because this crowd likes to spend money.
The Saturday night agenda will include welcoming new "Plainfields", voting on next year's site, election of officers, the treasurer's report, and concluding with the Plainfield Grande Ball.
The ladies of the church will staff the three cash bars.
information and incriminating photos from year's past can be found on the Plainfield MyFaceSpaceTok page.
SPORT
Accusations of being 'one dimensional' are never a good thing.
We here in the fresnOnion newsroom take the coverage of sport very seriously.
So last night we were courtside at Rocket Arena in downtown Cleveland for the Cleveland Pierogi Eating Championship.
The sloppy, disgusting contest took place during halftime of some basketball contest.
Joey Chestnut, the 16 time hot dog eating champion, easily won over the combined pierogis consumed by three random guys from the janitor's room.
Some start-up cable channel, ESPN (pronounced S-pin) stood in front of our position on press row, but we watched the whole thing unfold on the suspended gigantic Jumbotron tv screen.
Chestnut's parents were unavailable for comment on their child prodigy.
Finally, it should be noted that the "emergency buckets" under the table were not deployed.
Tomorrow: a deep dive into Joey Chestnut's Pepto Bismol contract.
Not A Leg Lamp
In this season of giving thanks, exchanging gifts, and renewing friendships, it is also the "Awards Season".
Trophies, prizes and 'major awards' are being handed out.
Local writer Charlton Seever has been notified that he is the recipient of the coveted Lyric and Limerick Laureate Prize.
We here in the fresnOnion newsroom find this rather ironically hilarious, as Charlton was the subject of one of the most locally quoted limericks of all-time:
There once was a boy from Fresno
Who frequently scrubbed with the grease of his elbow
His graffiti on walls
Made blushers of all
And his mom didn't believe it so
The award ceremony will be held in DC when the new ballroom is finished.
Maybe A Comeback?
There have been whispers going about recently about a possible return to the stage for a popular duo from the 1960's.
Lowell and Juanita were the darlings of the folk scene from 1965 until 1970.
"We both turned 75 this year and have been noodlin' about with our music, so maybe.........." Lowell said with a gaze toward Juanita, his "sweet chiquita".
The two high school lovers started playing at age 15 and when the local radio station sent a demo to NYC, they were opening for The Lovin' Spoonful by 1966.
In fact, it was Zal Yanovsky that co-wrote the protest song "This war is as wrong as pourin' out good whiskey" with Lowell.
"If we do put together a 'folk-up' - that's what we call a sudden get-together, we'll let you know," Juanita told our fresnOnion intern.
Watch this space, we feel A Mighty Wind a comin'.
Biz News
Local entrepreneurs Beany DiMaggio and Harlan Nagelstein have announced their newest venture: 2 Guys With a Tractor and Hay Wagon Moving Services.
"We've been seeing this need for a while now as we see our friends moving with a little Chevy S10," said Beany.
"So we've formed this company to assist those who are moving within a ten mile radius of Fresno," noted Harlan.
"I got the idea after seeing a truck with 2 Guys and a Truck painted on the side and thought now there's an idea," offered Beany.
"We'll do all the lifting if you have everything packed, but not on rainy days." concluded Harlan.
2 Guys With a Tractor and Hay Wagon Moving Services are on the world wide web at: www.tryintomakesome.cash
A Major Award
The Automotive History Preservation Society recently bestowed their most prestigious award on a local car dealer.
Otto Graysom was on hand in Red Bud, Illinois for The AHPS annual, informal, non-mandatory attendance Fall Mixer.
The group gathered at the world famous Ratzkeller, a popular sports bar and grill.
Graysom was given the Society's Lifetime Achievement Award. The 89 year old still goes to his lot every day where he has 3 remaining Pontiacs.
He washes these, now collectables, every other day and waxes once a week.
Otto has a 1950 Pontiac Chieftain, a 1955 Pontiac Star Chief Station Wagon, and a 1952 Pontiac Catalina.
Although he's had offers, during his acceptance speech, Graysom said, "Folks just don't want to pay today's prices."
Otto's Autos is located north on the good county road, just past the Blockbuster/laundromat/Keno building.
Smart
We've all heard of the 'smart phone', the 'smart watch', the 'smart car', why Samsung even has a 'smart refrigerator'.
But the dietetic, engineering, and computer grad students at Strasburg State University have taken that 'smart refrigerator' to another level.
They have created an algorithm that takes into account one's eating habits, and creates each day's dinner.
When you get home in the afternoon, just open the door and there will be a tray of selected foods for you to prepare. No longer will you have to stand at the fridge looking for something to cook.
After each meal, simply input your feedback: keep it in rotation, how often, and suggested variables.
There is also a liquid dispenser of beer, wine or water. It is your responsibility to change the pony keg and the box of vino, the water is plumbed directly though.
A demonstration video, list of vendors, and testimonials can be found atwww.youarealazylout.snooze.
Fresno, Ohio
the hippest village east of Marfa, Texas
Ignorance Is No Excuse
A dozen black SUVs filled with government types wearing black coats and sunglasses swarmed the Town Center Gazebo yesterday at 2pm.
That was the site of the local SERTAF Club's new fundraiser. They were selling Meerkats as pets, which is illegal.
"Meerkats are wild animals with complex social needs, require large, specialized enclosures, have demanding diets (eating their body weight in bugs daily), can become aggressive, are difficult to find veterinary care for, and are often illegal to own without specific permits, making them unsuitable for typical households. They thrive in large family groups, and keeping them alone or in small spaces leads to stress, destructive behavior, and potential self-harm," according to the Men in Black's official statement that was obviously prepared by AI.
Ward Robello, SERTAF president, was taken into custody.
We here in the fresnOnion newsroom have been trying to contact The Imports of Ernest who procured the Meerkats. That phone number has been disconnected.
It's Catching On
A housing boom is taking place out in the far regions of our neighborhood.
Canned Heat sang about "goin' up country".
Three Dog Night sang about being "out in the country".
Even John Denver shared about how thankful he was to be a "country boy".
Well, out in the country, where there are not as many building codes, Ray and Rita Hayworthy are on to something.
"We are building affordable housing," said Ray.
"These homes might not have all of the luxuries, but you can afford the bank loans," noted Rita.
The Hayworthys were inspired by the very popular and famous Jack Preston Wood,
"We saw one of their tall skinny homes and thought that might work with our idea," Ray offered.
A Hayworthy Home is 3 stories high. There is no electricity, no running water, the heat comes from a huge wood burner in the middle of the first floor with open grates in the middle of the second and third floor.
A Hayworthy Home is not painted, has a metal roof, and one window facing south on the second and third floor.
A Hayworthy Home features an outhouse, a water pump and no landscaping.
A Hayworthy Home layout has the garage, wood burner, storage, and bathtub on the ground floor.
The second floor is for living and dining, with one bedroom.
The third floor is open and can be divided into bedrooms as needed.
The first Hayworthy Home sold the day the 'for sale' sign was posted.
There are contracts signed for another 90 to be built before June.
For more information on the affordable Hayworthy Home you can stop out and see Rita, or go to www.littlecheaphouses.frugl
Fine Dining
The Tri-Village Supper Club monthly rotating evening of nosh will take place tonight at the Pearl Valley Cafeteria.
Whatta Guys Fries (and burgers) will cater with the promise that their famous "fixins bar" will be fully stocked.
"We've been trying to get these people to cater for us for years now and they finally relented," said an excited Serena Stotlemyre, event and menu coordinator for the club.
Each diner will be served a generous portion of fresh cut sea salt fries with a side order of burger sliders prepared by Bud "greasy" Gallagher.
Before sitting down the members will visit the "fixins bar" to load their fries. Choices include chopped scallions, bacon, brown gravy, sausage gravy, pork gravy, giblet gravy, red gravy, peppers and baked beans. There are over 50 toppings to choose from, and that does include the various cheeses.
Locals will recall that Gallagher was the kitchen manager, and french fry guru, at the recently shuttered Close Inn.
"The secret to my fries is the oil," noted Greasy. "And don't ask, cause I won't tell."
The Tri-Village Supper Club moves from Fresno to Chili to Pearl each month. They will be accepting one new couple in January because Wilson and Virgina Dalton moved to Brunersburg, Ohio.
Applications for club membership and other information can be found at: www.weluvtomunch.burp
A Surreal Sight
A raft of otters, a rafter of turkeys, a pride of lions, a murder of crows, a clowder of cats.....you get the idea.
Anybody want to hazard a guess of what we call a lot of Dick Nixons in the room?
Everyone here in the fresnOnion newsroom debated that very question. We want to keep our "G" rating, so we decided on: a nancy of nixons.
You will recall that yesterday was "I Am Not A Crook" day for the Fresno 5th Grade Ethics Class, taught by Ms. Moyer. Everyone wore Nixon masks.
We promised to report on the three essay winners.
Out of the 32 students, 16 were disqualified for reference to current affairs, ten were eliminated because they couldn't picture themselves as crooks, and three weren't allowed to participate because their parents objected.
The three default essay winners who finished the sentence "I am not a crook, but if I were....." were:
Jody Harmsparger. "......I would steal from the haves and give to the have nots."
Bernie Lee Gadly. "....I would have better golf scores."
Elrod Hennessey. ".....I would never get caught."
We are wearing Ray-Bans today because our future is bright.
Sensitive
We here in the fresnOnion newsroom aren't sure how to report the following story that was brought to our attention by the good people at National Public Radio.
The question is: how do you feed the predators at the zoo?
In Denmark they asked for your pets.
This sparked a sensitive debate on many levels.
"Yes we had the same issues here," said Harpo Nedle, the Head Zookeeper at The Conesville International Zoo.
"We discontinued accepting donations as too many locals reported their pets as missing," Harpo noted.
The story did spark quite the discussion here in the newsroom amongst employees and interns as we wondered why "Harpo" never really caught on as a popular first name.
One additional note: Today is Harpo Marx' birthday.
Gift Idea
Pete and Clete (who's put on some additional weight) Sweeney have signed on to be local ambassadors for a worthy charity.
"Yes, it's true we are spokes guys for the Gifts for Guys charity," said Pete.
Gifts for Guys raises money to fulfill the wishes of local men over 40.
"So what we are selling this holiday season is a punch card to the many Ohio amusement parks," Clete explained.
"The other's fell in line once we inked the popular Idora Park in Youngstown. Everyone wants to ride the Wildcat!" Pete said excitedly.
The other amusement parks include Geauga Lake, Chippewa Lake, Coney Island, LeSourdsville Lake, Luna Park, Indianola Park and Euclid Park.
The Gifts for Guys punch cards sell for $400.55. If you present a card that has all eight destinations being visited, you will receive 5% off next year's card.
See the Sweeney's or pick up a flyer anywhere cheese is sold.
Online purchases can be made at: www.giftsforguys.oof
Truck Stop News
Lonny Manziel has announced some news about his truck stop out at the intersection of the good county road and the old state route.
"We are going to remain open 24 hours a day through the holiday season," said Lonny. "I know we're always open all the time, but there had been some rumors that I was going to give some people time off for all the various celebrations going on, so I just wanted to get out front of that topic."
Manziel also said that the diner has a new fry cook. Willard Starcherly has been recruited from the big truck stop just east of Columbus.
"What I like about ole Willard is that he cooks with lard," said Manziel. "His pie crusts, his fried taters, and extra crispy smashburgers all taste a little better."
Manziel went on to note that the gift shop is fully stocked for the gift giving needs of his patrons and all shower stalls have been re-tiled.
Manziel then stressed that only half of the big screen tvs would be tuned to the sports stations.
"Yea, we're trying to be a little more 'correct' and appease some pushy customers that want to watch the fixer-upper channel," he grimly acknowledged.
One important note: we here at the fresnOnion newsroom were concerned about the famous pot roast, french fries and gravy plate being continued, and ole Willard promised there would be no changes there.
Whew......
S.S.U.
After School
There is a segment of our population that believes that extra-curricular activities are nonsense.
We here in the newsroom of the fresnOnion do NOT subscribe to that way of thinking.
We strongly encourage every child to find his place doing something after school.
Some play sports, some take up a musical instrument, some are in 4-H or scouting.
Then there are those like us who are 'nerds'.
The Fresno Elementary School CleverKids is a club for the young ones who get straight A's in computers, math, science and robotics.
And again today they will be throwing a birthday party for Simon Helberg who is turning 45.
And, as usual, there will be speeches given and awards handed out to the best impressions of Howard Wolowitz.
He still has not RSVP'd. In fact he has never attended, even though he's been invited ever since 2007. He did try to come in 2008, but took a wrong turn on the good county road.
Pictures and more information on the CleverKids can be found on their website: www.youwillworkforussomeday.bbt
A Gift Idea
The local SERTFAF (Service To Family And Friends) Club has announced their latest fundraising effort.
"We have purchased a boatload of Meerkats for holiday gifting," said SERTFAF President Ward Robello.
"One of our members saw a PBS documentary on these little fellas and thought they would make a super pet," said Robello.
"So he contacted his cousin who owns Imports of Ernest and set the whole thing up. We got a 'buy in bulk' and 'family' and 'cash' discount too," noted Ward. "So we should expect a nice profit."
The SERTFAF Club members will be on hand today from noon - 4 at the town center gazebo to sell the Meerkats.
"We just got'em yesterday and need to sell'em today", declared Robello.
If you are shopping today instead of watching the Browns get beat, consider getting a Meerkat for the cousins you don't like.
Up, Down, Right or Just Right?
The headline asks a very important question these days.
When it comes to the most important emotional issue of: your possessions....what is enough?
It has come to our attention here in the fresnOnion newsroom that there are businesses out there who will help some folks "downsize" their situation.
Downsizing Specialists, LLC out of Kensington, Maryland might be the world leaders in such efforts. Their 5.0 Google review confirms that.
"We help families who want to bring some order to their lifelong accumulations. We find our services are most beneficial in helping grown children deal with their parent’s accumulations ..." according to their website,
But for every action there is a reaction.
"There are some of us who work vigorously, every day at 'upsizing' our stuff," said one local, anonymous collector who we caught up with as he was stopped to pick up a bucket on the interstate.
"I always have my eyes open to pick that additional piece for my collections," he noted. "And there is a cavernous difference between valuable andjunk!"
And then there is Mrs. Wiggins, who lives in that cute little craftsman house out on the good county road.
"I only collect buttons," she said. "And my collection is just about right. I find so much joy when I am leaving the club and look down to find a button."
We'll end with a valuable life lesson: You just never know when you might need a 3 foot piece of angle iron.
Retired
Howard "Doc" Brownbrooke has called it a career.
"I haven't seen a patient yet this year, so I guess I'll just take down the shingle," said Doc.
Brownbrooke, while not an accredited doctor, has treated locals for over 80 years.
He is most notably known for being a "toad doctor".
Ever since the 1600s medical researchers and doctors believed that toads had healing properties.
Doc used dried powdered toads to soothe inflammation and relieve headaches and skin conditions.
When asked to reflect on the past as well as future plans, Doc said, "well I started when I was fifteen and I just turned 95. It's becoming harder and harder to get a Canadian Toad because of tariffs, so I guess I'll take up golf."
We here in the fresnOnion newsroom applaud Doc's service to mankind and hope he's not in the foursome in front of us.
Tonight!
Another unscheduled, pop-up Hootenanny will take place this evening at the Miller's Dip Grange Hall.
The Scurrilous Truth will entertain the lucky who attend.
"What happened was their road manager called me, we're cousins right, and said they will be driving through on their way to St. Louis," grange hall custodian and manager Peter DeLoria on explaining our good fortune.
"The boys are scheduled to play Stifel Theater tomorrow night and want to fine tune some new songs," DeLoria continued.
The Scurrilous Truth are this generation's J. Geils Band and bring an energy to the stage not witnessed since the times of the great wooba gooba.
Another interesting note is that the ladies of the church will be debuting three new beers from their microbrewery.
Those who drink will be able to sample the 'Holidale', the 'Lewisville Lager' and 'Bettys Bellywash'. Of course the ladies will offer the always popular 'Fresno Shandy'.
Doors open at 6 with the curtains going up at 7:30. Autographs, selfies and record album signings will take place before and after.
DeLoria did want us to remind everyone of the dress code: either flannel or work shirts, jeans or corduroy are suggested. Footwear choice is optional but mandatory.
"Uncle" Kicked
There was quite the activity last evening out at Uncle Bumiller's place.
One of our interns here at the fresnOnion was driving by Uncle's place on her way to the Burger Chef, and noticed that every blue, red and amber light in the county was flashing.
So the upstart journalist thought, "this could be news," and stopped.
Seems that Bumiller's mule kicked him in the head. Mrs. Bumiller found him wandering around in the side yard.
"He was about half out of it, muttering something about the Browns and Haslam and Berry...I don't know what all," she told authorities.
After the medics took him for observation, the neighbors started reminiscing about how Uncle got his nickname.
Cletus Bumiller grew up on a farm. He was taller than all the 9 year olds and much stronger from throwing around bales of hale and bags of sorghum.
Cletus would sneak up behind the smaller boys in his class and bend their arms behind their backs until they said "uncle".
By the age of 13 it was obvious that Cletus had finished growing and the other boys caught up and surpassed him in height and strength.
They returned the favor of making him say "uncle" until he just started blurting "uncle,uncle,uncle" when he saw them coming.
Thus Cletus became known as "Uncle" Bumiller.
And that's the rest of that story.
Because of HIPPA laws we can't give you an update on his condition this morning.
Golf News
The season ending Members Skins Game was conducted over the weekend at the posh Lake Lila Golf and Country Club.
The four leading shop-credit money winners from the past year qualify for this lucrative competition, sponsored by Ivan's Chicken Farms.
Chip Wedgley, Dub Drinkovitch, Cleek Shankowski and Hack Nanner were the four sandbagging qualifiers.
The Skins Game is played at scratch (no handicap) which is fitting and made for some fun TV.
Local Cable Channel 80 FZNO documented the event for replay on New Year's Day.
The sold-out crowd of members all readily signed NDA's as the club received a hefty check from FZNO.
The fresnOnion newsroom has a corporate membership and we can tell you that bogeys tied a lot of holes.
Today In History
November 14th. One of the most important dates in the history of The United States of America.
Everyone here in the fresnOnion newsroom - interns, research analysts, custodians, dieticians, therapists, everyone - treat this day with the utmost reverence.
It was on November 14th, 1888 that the first golf club was formed: The St. Andrews Golf Club in Yonkers, NY.
What started as a 3 holer, expanded to 6 holes and is America's oldest existing golf club. The St. Andrews Club expanded to 18 holes when they moved to their current location.
Local stand-outs on the links, Pete and Clete Sweeney have applied for memberships, but denied every time.
"I blame Clete's behaviour at the member-guest tournament," said Pete.
"I blame Pete for driving the cart into the creek at the par three 16th," countered Clete.
The oldest golf club in Ohio is either the Cincinnati Country Club or the Cleveland Golf Club. You debate.
The fresnOnion annual employee scramble is today at The Zoar Golf Club. Paninis and beer at The Lockport Brewery afterwards.
Our offices will reopen tomorrow at 4:30 am.
Lecture Tonight
The small town, rotating, MAKING LIFE BETTER lecture series moves to Ragersville tonight.
Regionally acclaimed writer, producer, and, podcaster and tv commentator Ruthie Jean Zachek will share some insights from her new best-seller: Proper Social Cynicism, a Guide to Acceptable Debate Tactics During These Polarized Times.
A recent online literary critic noted that this book helps when the topic of gambling in sports starts to dominate the room.
Ms. Zachek promises to share just enough to make you want to purchase her book immediately.
She did say that there will be an autograph and selfie period after her lecture. And that she will discount the price of $89.99 by 5% if you bring a can of dog food for the local pound.
The doors at the Ragersville community room in the old cheese house will open at 6 with the lecture starting at 7. (we know the OSU game is at 7:30).
The ladies of the church will serve Gertrude Steinmetz' popular 'twisted tea recipe'.
editor's note: we, here in the fresnOnion newsroom, have received more than a few inquiries about 'the ladies of the church'. And yes they are always looking for new members, yes they do sample their servings, and yes it is a for-profit enterprise.
A Concerning Trend
The Associated Press reported recently about an act of vandalism that has many alarmed.
According to the AP, a North Carolina woman was driving along, minding her own business, probably singing a Neil Sedaka song when "....a bald eagle just dropped a cat on my windshield...."
In a show of real compassion, the 911 dispatcher asked if the cat was still alive.
We discussed the merits of reporting such a story here in the fresnOnion newsroom, and decided to follow up with local Constable Rollie F. Trupe.
He said, in a carefully worded, prepared statement:
"While I have never had a call like this, I am prepared to treat every constituent with the utmost respect and dignity. I would never think them to be crazy, drunk or high. I did check the national database and while this was the first report of a bald eagle committing vehicle vandalism this year, there were no such reports last year.
This is a 100% increase and should be monitored.
So first it started with the deer jumping in front of our cars, now we have to worry about attacks from above," his statement concluded.
To our faithful, alert & intellectual readers, you decide - we just report.
Was this story worthy of your time? Poll (click here)
Tricky
The day was the 17th of November.
The year was 1973.
The quote was, "I am not a crook."
It was on this day in history that President Richard Milhous Nixon told 400 Associated Press editors that he wasn't a crook and he'd earned everything he has.
The day was the 17th of November.
The year was 1974 - one year later.
Ms. Moyer's fifth grade ethics class at Fresno Elementary observed the day with a "I'm Not A Crook" commemoration.
The students wore Nixon masks, gave the two-finger "victory" or "peace" sign and wrote essays.
The essays finished the sentence, "I am not a crook, but if I were....."
The top three essays were read at the end of the day to the entire school in a special assembly.
And Ms. Moyer's class has done so every year since.
We here in the fresnOnion newsroom are keen to attend today's assembly and will report tomorrow on the three winners.