Local Heroes

There is a picture that is going viral locally of Pete and Clete Sweeney's Ohio State Flag that they planted in Dave Portnoy's yard.

Portnoy is a  Meechigan fan and has been all over the tube, radio, and interweb with his pro-UofM opinions.

"Yea, we drove as fast as we could.  When it was obvious that the Bucks would win we headed toward Nantucket," said Pete who drove as Clete can't get behind the wheel of their Pinto (he's put on a little weight).

"While I put up the flag, Pete scribbled 'Ryan Day lives here rent free'  on an empty Keystone Light 24 pack box," said Clete.

While we here in the fresnOnion newsroom neither condone or condemn flag planting, we think the headline speaks for itself.

Pete and Clete should be back in time for the Browns game today.

Lengthy Meeting

Last night's town council meeting lasted much longer than usual.

"Yea, we usually get our business conducted in a half an hour, but tonight's debate kept us here for nearly three hours," said council president Homer Grabbsum.

The topic that caused such emotional testimony from the throngs was the item on the agenda to ban The Elderly Christy Minstrels from singing Christmas Carols this season.

The crowd was equally divided on the issue.  

"They can't carry a tune worth a lick" was countered with "They aren't hurting anyone" arguments.

Over 300 took to the public podium to share their views.

Finally President Grabbsum tabled the motion until next week.

"The council members and I needed to get home to dinner," said Homer after adjourning and on his way out the door.

Watch this space next week for more coverage on this volatile matter. 

February        February        February         February        February       February

march    MARCH    March   March    March

Written For Television

Local Cable Channel 80 FZNO and FZNO+, the overpriced streaming service, are announcing that they've procured the rights to a new television series.

Watching Dave Barry's Stories  is a new concept in the made for tv  genre.

The AI department at Strasburg State University has re-created some of the most entertaining columns from 1983-2005.

Those were the years that Barry wrote a syndicated column for The Miami Herald.

"We purchased the rights after watching the first two pilot episodes," said FZNO content VP Herman McElhandy.

The first episode recreates the time a fireman caught a baby being tossed from a burning apartment building without even "calling for the infield fly rule".  The writers who are in charge of adapting the narrative for television used some creative license. They added that the fireman was a former punt returner and instinctively raised his hand calling for a 'fair catch'.

The second pilot episode brings to the screen the time some local government officials in the pacific northwest decided to dynamite a dead beached whale.  The idea was to blow the whale into smaller pieces for the seagulls to eat.

The "must see TV" part is when the onlookers realized they weren't far enough away from the bloody blubber.  "Truly hilarious" chortled McElhandy.

Watching Dave Barry's Stories airs Sundays when FZNO's coverage of the Northwest Territories Golf Tour concludes. 

Rumor or Fact?

We here at the fresnOnion don't usually report on the unsubstantiated tittle-tattle that comes out of the local coffee klatches, but this one warrants further attention.

After the holidays, our interns, our full-time staff and relatives have all been talking about Buc-ees developing a major complex at Cavallo.

We have assigned this story to our Senior Investigative Reporter Willis Stargell, so keep an eye on this space.

A quick drive-by did reveal some survey stakes in the ground near the intersection of TR 365 and 368.

Local resident Bo Haney said he'd heard it too. 

"Would be ok I guess, we really haven't had anything happening since the canals went out," he surmised.

2026 Predictions

This has become a fun story over the years.

Madame Yoraninni,  the elderly fortune teller who operates out of her living room, has released her annual predictions for the coming year.

Our very own local psychic predicts:

* Patty Hearst will disappear, again

* The Browns will make the playoffs

* Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe will retire.

* Clete Sweeney will continue to put on weight.

* There will be a mild mishap at the Hot Air Balloon Races, but no injuries.

* Taylor Swift will break up with Travis Kelce.

* Local music trio, Zeke 'N Eddy, will get a recording contract.

* Billy Joel will not perform at the Pete Ames Concert Hall and Carry-out in Chili.

* There will be a severe drought this summer causing the Mighty White Eyes Creek to run dry.

* Local egg producer Pat Tee will reconcile with her estranged husband Ernest Tee.

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom checked her "10 point prediction list" from last year, she was zero for 10.  Also, she has predicted that Constable Trupe will retire for the past 15 years.

Have a good year.

Also, Madame Yoraninni  is booked until mid July.

A Very Important Day

Today is National Disc Jockey Day.

Our best friend, Amy Monette over at the National Day Calendar, reminds the world of this.

However we here in Fresno not only know this, but celebrate accordingly.

The Fresno DJ Hall of Fame induction ceremony tonight, at the White Eyes Township Convocation Center, will welcome Mr. William Gable into the fold.

Gable, on air, was known as "Brown Sugar Brother Bill" at CKLW in Windsor, Ontario.

The sold out event begins at 6pm.  Dr. Johnny Fever will again MC.  After Brother Bill's acceptance speech, he will be presented with the prestigious Broken Headphone Trophy.

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom recommend you watch I AM WHAT I PLAY, a four thumbs up documentary.

Also Pirate Radio is nothing but fun. We just discovered a deleted scene that gives the meaning to life! (click here)

Wherever you are, be sure to call the local DJ and request something weird, like Alice's Restaurant or Mood Indigo or Franklin County Woman or.....

Lesson Learned

Well we are back up and running here in the fresnOnion newsroom.

An unscheduled 4 day shutdown occurred when one of the new interns couldn't resist a click-bait headline.  The entire computer system locked up.

What happened was she couldn't avoid the headline: You Won't Believe What Happened When Jon Hamm Mixed A Gallon of Vinegar With.......

"I was curious" she explained.

So the editor had to call in IT help and hired an internet consultant to lecture the employees and develop a policy handbook.

A New Menu

The Fabulous Circular Restaurant located on 'top of the rock' is promoting their new menu.

The Top of the Rock rotating restaurant is perched on top of Standing Rock  in Pearl, Ohio.

Head Chef Chevaulier Battenbern says he's changing things up a bit.

"I brought my entire sous chef team with me six months ago, but the locals requested a few additions," said Battenbern.

Now every Wednesday will be Hot Dog Night.  

"We'll have jumbo all-beef dogs with assorted scratch-made sauces, including coney, sauerkraut or chopped onion in a vinegar/ketchup sauce," noted the chef. "My team will boil, broil, grill, pan fry or deep fry your dogs."

Every Saturday will be Seafood Night.

"We've contracted with Treetop Crop Dusting and Special Delivery Aviators to fly in fresh fish, clams, shrimp and oysters from a supplier out of Morey's Pier on Wildwood Island in New Jersey," promised Chevaulier.

Reservations are required.

The silent owner of Top of the Rock would like to remind everyone that his restaurant is not ADA compliant as it is a "walk up."  He did promise delivery to your car for take away orders.  

Pizza News

"When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore....", sang Dean Martin.

For many of us it doesn't have anything to do with the moon, it's the big pizza pie that we love.

Eater.com recently wrote a very nice story about Columbus being among the great pizza cities in America. 

With our approval here in the fresnOnion newsroom, the author of the piece - the stunning and charming Gloria Dawson, gave a shout out to Massey's, TAT, and Donato's.

But we here in east central Ohio were saddened that the website didn't have space for her final paragraph.

What got edited out, we understand, is that our own very unique pizza got a major mention and words of love from Gloria.

The "Columbus Style" pizza is known for edge to edge toppings and thin crust.  

"BUT, for my money the Fresno Pizza Pie  comes as advertised," noted Dawson. "It truly is a pie."

Fresno Style Pizza Pie  is a thick crust placed into a deep pie dish that is oiled with olive oil and sprinkled with grated parmesan.  The home-made sauce is next with the selected toppings to follow.

A blend of mozzarella, provolone and gouda are generously applied.  

But here's the game changer:  the pie is topped with a thin layer of dough, just like Aunt Ernestine's cherry pie! It is cut and served just like a slice of pie.

"I've never in all my natural born days tasted anything like the Fresno Style Pizza Pie. I think it's the Italian seasoned buttery spread that is brushed on the top crust!" declared Gloria. "That's why I proclaim this as one of the midwest's best kept secrets."

You can get the Fresno Style Pizza Pie at Dirty Sal's Pizza Pie and Pasta Emporium  out at the intersection of the good county road and the national bike path.

Salvatore Massimino (Rollie's third cousin) said that the mention in Gloria's article would have been nice.  

"We are busy enough. And Gloria will always have a place at our counter," said Sal with a wink and grin.

February Fridays

Chef Milton at the Tie-Dyed Lotus Resort in Baltic has announced a rather interesting dining idea for next month.

"Each Friday in February I will feature a menu with food named after locales," said Chef Milton.

"For instance on the 6th, you can choose Yucatan Shrimp or Chicago Deep Dish Pizza as an entree. Boston Cream Pie or Baked Alaska will be the dessert choices," said the popular Chef.

He noted that other selections next month will include Coney Island Hot Dogs, New York Strip Steak, Frankfurter, Beijing Duck, Buffalo Wings, Philly Cheesesteak, Belgian Waffles and of course Yorkshire Pudding.

"Don't forget the beverages", he noted: Manhattan, Singapore Sling, Brooklyn, and Moscow Mule will be priced at two for the price of three.

The slightly older ladies here in the fresnOnion newsroom prefer Long Island Iced Tea.

Reservations are always a must at the locally popular 1.5 star Tie-Dyed Lotus Resort.

Today is April 4th

The fourth day of the fourth month around these parts of east central Ohio are fondly referred to as "forty four day".

While the nation remembers the famous athletes who wore 44 on their jersey, we remember 44 for the fantastic feat of our own Pete Sweeney.

Pete not only wore 44 as his favorite jersey, "to honor Hank Aaron" he always said, but on this day in history, he made history.

Pete was a hard hitting third baseman for The Tyndall Institute of Technology Fightin' Innovators.  

It was a sunny and warm early April day.  Perfect for collegiate baseball, not a cloud in the sky and a gentle breeze blowing out to right-center.  And Pete had a perfect day.

Going 4 for 4 at the plate, he hit four grand slam home runs! The sixteen runs batted in stands as a record to this day.

So you will probably hear "forty-four" as a greeting when out and about today.  

And almost everyone will say they were there that day.  Those of us who actually were, know that there were only about thirty fans in the bleacher, not counting parents and girlfriends.

We should also recognize that Reggie Jackson, Willie McCovey, Brian Urlacher, Leroy Kelley, John Riggins, Jerry West and Pete Maravich also wore #44.

It should also be noted that the #44 has been retired at  Tyndal Tech in every sport....Pete is that loved and respected.

Performance Review

One of our brightest interns in the Arts and Culture Department here at the fresnOnion is Ambrose Booker, III.

Ambrose asked if he could attend and write a review of last night's pop-up hootenanny at the Miller's Dip Grange Hall.

You will recall that a rare appearance in this area of The Scurrilous Truth  was on tap.

We told Ambrose to keep it brief as we operate on limited space.

Here is his review:

They were billed as this generation's J. Geils Band.  I have every album of that iconic band out of Worcester, Mass.

I am familiar with the area because my cool uncle Billy lives there.  He has supplied me with every east coast rock band Long Playing record from 1962-1979.  (He says rock died at the end of the '70s).

I am here to tell you that The Scurrilous Truth lived up to their billing.  Especially their "tribute set" of an extended version of the classic Where Did Our Love Go?, the Donnie Elbert hit that was covered by the Supremes and J. Geils.

The set then segued into Devil's Gun that we all recall was by CJ and Company. These boys stretched Devil's Gun out to 19 minutes.

The "tribute set" ended with the Geil's roof-raisin' Whammer Jammer/Hard Drivin Man.  What set this one off was when the drummer Ethan Corman came out front with his harmonica and joined the band's horn and harmonica player, Remy Ralston for a mouth harp duel for the ages.

All in all, the evening was awesome, as was the beer. If you ever get a chance to try the Lewisville Lager do so.  Also get tickets to The Scurrilous Truth, you'll go home exhausted.

Today We Play

December 28th,  The day perfectly situated between Christmas and New Years Eve/Day.  The day we play cards.

Many for miles around will be travelling to the Fresno Community Centre for the popular celebration of National Card Playing Day.

The history of the day is sketchy, as are some players as evidenced by the banning of Maude and Joey Scheinbloom.  The couple was caught in a sophisticated "blinking" scandal 4 years ago while defending their Euchre title.

Local event organizer Harry Rozier, says there will be a section set for Euchre, Hausey, Spades, Hearts, Bridge Pinochle and Canasta.

A section for two players to compete at Piquet, , Whist, Golf, Gop, Gin and Rummy.

One big table for the two deck game of 'beatnik rum' will be filled on a first come, first served basis, so get there early.

During the halftime lunch break, there will be a special game of TEGWAR for all first time attendees. Then a showing of the scene in Bang The Drum Slowly where they play TEGWAR.  Always a treat to watch the newbie's faces.  Instant viral on the interweb moments.

The ladies of the church will tend to the drinks and snacks.

Doors open at 11am, shuffling begins promptly at 11:59.

Rozier reminds all who attend of his intricate closed circuit monitoring cameras.  

"We don't cotton to cheats," he said with a toothpick in his mouth.

Study Results Released 

A three year study conducted by the A&M Department at Strasburg State University  has some surprising data.

"The study we conducted was for the purpose of determining how music affects the milk production of dairy cattle," said Agriculture and Music Department Chairman Dr. Able Durham.

The study has determined that the milk production increased when there was New Age/Easy Listening Jazz piped into the parlor.

"Over the 3 years when the ladies were being milked while listening to Grover Washington, Jr., Earl Klugh, Spyro Gyra, etc. they produced 5% more milk," noted Durham.

Also, the Progressive Rock/Head music of the late '60s and early '70s was met with the same 5% increase, the study indicated.

"Music like Brimstone, Pink Floyd, Grateful Dead, and the like," said Able. "I had to loan my collection."

The students also tested:

Blues - Big Fat Dog, Charlie Musslewhite, Gov't Mule, etc. (+4.99%)

Classic Country -George Jones, Ferlin Husky, Gentleman Jim Reeves, etc. (+4.5%)

Yacht Rock- Michael McDonald, Christopher Cross, Toto, etc.  (+4%)

Current Country - Chris Stapleton, Eric Church, Jason Isbell, etc. (+3.8%)

Classic Rock - Uriah Heap, The Who, Zep, etc. (+3.65%)

Heavy Metal - Judas Priest, Legs Diamond, The Godz, etc  (-6%)

Disco - all of it  (-11%)

Rap - (Mixed results as the young heifers liked it but the old girls shut down)

Music that had no effect was Top 40, Adult Contemporary, Latin, Opera. and Techno Pop.

Local milk producer (dairy farmer) Freddie Princehorn says he's sticking with the talk shows as AM radio is "free" and "those special satellite music beams are dangerous for the brain." 

Dr. Durham says The Ohio Egg Producers Association has commissioned the same study for hens. 

Theory Posited

For decades now the wonderment of the "Peruvian holes" has caused quite the round-table discussions.

One of our former interns here at the fresnOnion now proofreads, fact checks, and plans lunches at newatlas.com.

She alerted us to the story about the 5,2000 holes that were dug by ancient Peruvians on the side of a mountain.

Researchers at The University of Sydney think they had something to do with accounting.

But the Advanced Peruvian Studies Department at Strasburg State University has a different take.

"One of our graduate students has translated a passage in a Peruvian father's diary," said Dr. Terrance Hanratty.

That passage lamented the fact that the next day he had to take off work and supervise the juvenile delinquents who were tasked with hole digging.  

The diary also mentioned that he wouldn't make the same mistake as last month when he had to marshall the lawbreakers who were filling the holes a mile back down the hillside. 

He forgot to pack his lunch that day.

Year End Report

The local White Eyes Creek and Tributary Office  has released their end of year report.

"Our reporting year runs from November 1 thru October 31st," says Office secretary Ima Goodlin.

"And we find it amusing that at the same time our report comes out that World Atlas reports the top 5 waterways that have alligators," noted Goodlin.

Florida, Texas, Georgia, Alabama and Louisiana made the top of the list.

"We are very happy to report to the public that the Mighty White Eyes Creek and all of her tributaries are 'alligator free'" said a beaming Ima.

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom applaud the efforts of everyone on the staff at The White Eyes Creek and Tributary Office  for their diligent work each year.  

And we are glad that their 54.9 mil renewal levy passed on Tuesday.  

"The difference between genius and stupidity is: genius has its limits." — Albert Einstein

Lotus Schedule

The Tie-Dyed Lotus  in Baltic, east central Ohio's only 1.5 star resort, has announced their Thanksgiving weekend schedule

On Wednesday, The Lotus  will have their popular annual Chef's Surprise for all three meals.  

"What I do is clean out the coolers utilizing the past 4 days of extra food.  The staff arrange the buffets with very creative casseroles," said Head Chef Milton.

Then on Thursday you will experience the fine dining traditional Thanksgiving Turkey Dinner.

"I smoke, bake, broil and deep fry the turkeys, which are locally sourced," noted Milton.

The 'big screen room' will also be open for those who want to watch the football games and eat on a tv tray.

On Friday, if your high school football season is over, The Turkey Sandwich Special  is always popular.  Bingo starts at 7.

"I think the sandwich is so popular because of how I build it," says Chef.  "I start with a big slice of homemade bread, a thick slice of turkey breast, our own hothouse tomato slice, a layer of fritos and topped with a slice of bread slathered with my very own stadium mustard/mayo/caramelized onion&bacon  jam.  It is good, if I do say so myself."

Saturday's College Football Tailgate Party  will begin at 9am.  The Buckeyes-Wolverines game starts at noon.  All Buckeye fans will gather in the 'big screen room' and Meechigan fans can watch on their phones in the free wi-fi space located in the shed.

The usual Sunday NFL Free Brunch Buffet  runs from 10a to halftime of the early games.  

The Lotus  will close at 3:30.

Information and reservations can be found at www.balticLotus.nap

Quickly Diffused

Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe says he had to use all of his years of experience and negotiating ability to de-escalate the crowd yesterday afternoon.

Trupe was called out to the Conoco Station over on the awful county road.

"When I got there a throng of at least 4 protesters had signs and were marching and chanting 'anti-ICE' slogans that they'd probably learned on television," said Trupe.

"When I explained that it was just an ice truck, delivering bags from the Millersburg Ice Company," they all went home," said the Constable. 

When asked to identify the protesters, Trupe noted that we all know who they are.  

"Same culprits everytime.  The ones who write those wacky letters to the editor, call the talk shows, leave messages on my answering machine.  I deal with them all the time.  Can't go to the grocery mart without one of them approaching me about some conspiracy or a'tother," Rollie lamented.

Think About It

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom are inundated with story ideas and press releases as well as our own extensively sourced news reports.

We debate the merits of each story that makes its way onto our daily page.

Today we will just copy and paste a press release that came in yesterday.  

Remember, we report - you make up your own mind.

For Immediate Release

From: The Office of Conspiracy Theory Creation

RE:  Shedeur Sanders to the Cleveland Browns

The Office of Conspiracy Theory Creation(OCTC) believes that the enterprise known as 'The NFL' collectively agrees that all teams should be equal.

The Cleveland Browns are not very good.

The OCTC  believes that it is the goal of The NFL, that began with Pete Rozelle, for every team to be as good as the next. 

The NFL believes that when there is parity, (on any given Sunday any team can win), the "company" is profitable.  The company sells more merchandise, has more fans, and drives up television revenues.

To that end, the OCTC proffers that The NFL, through its CEO Roger Goodell, convinced all franchise owners that for the Browns to get back to respectability they needed to draft one of the two best quarterbacks available.

Also, it is the opinion of the OCTC  that the Browns should use their early picks on other position players so Goodell instructed the other owners to lay off Sanders, thusly making a first round draft pick available in the fifth round.

The only glitch identified by the OCTC  is that The NFL forgot to tell Mel Kiper. 

                                      -30-

Quite A Feat

Every now and then an accomplishment comes along that makes us truly marvel.

We are still in awe of Cal Ripken playing 2,632 games in a row.  We were there when it started on May 30, 1982...dude was good.

We are still talking about the time my best girl and I saw Usain Bolt run 100 meters in 9.58 seconds..."dude's fast" she said.

We remember when dad handed us the sports page that had Wilt's story about scoring 100 points in a game..."dude's good" he said.

And now, because of the soon to be award winning story, our favorite website and publication 614.now is reporting about Birdie grilling his 1 millionth steak!

Roberto "Birdie" Hernandez is the fabled grill master at Longhorn Steakhouse in Columbus, and what many don't realize is that one of our own has history there.

Clete (who has put on a lot of weight since he and Birdie crossed paths) Sweeney is recognized as the very first person to have consumed one of Birdie's steaks.

"I remember that day," said Clete.  "I was so excited to be the first customer, so I camped out front for 2 days."  

Clete says the steak was so good he insisted on meeting Roberto and a lifelong friendship began.

"He has called me every time a milestone was coming up and served me number one thousand, number 5 thousand, 10 thousand and so on.  He's a good friend," Clete confirmed.

When we here at the fresnOnion contacted the grill king for a comment he said, "Ese güey traga" {"dude can eat."}

For his accomplishment, at a ceremony to mark the event,  Hernandez was given a special chef's coat, a bump in pay and a $30 gift card to Fogo de Chao.

Dr. Noted

Jurisprudence News.

Yesterday's ruling out of the local Justice O'the Peace, Haywood Hale's office, has the country's legal world abuzz.

Hale granted the  request from Sammy Baughman to divorce Bernadette Baughman on the grounds that she is a Flibbertigibbet.

"After Sammy presented his case with over 100 testimonials and then hearing Bernadette's six hour response, I took about 3 minutes to deliberate," said hizzonor.

The discussions overheard at many dining establishments last evening centered on the merits of the case, will there be an appeal, and whether Judge Hale will go on the speaking circuit.

"I guess looking back, I shoulda' considered her being a chronic Flibbertigibbet before I proposed, but couldn't see it because of her other assets," said a resigned Sammy.

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom, will continue to report on this precedent setting judgment.

​Let this case be a warning to all young and in love.

A Day Late

We were supposed to get this story early Friday morning.  Sorry for the delay, but Pete slept most of the day.

As most readers of the fresnOnion know Pete and Clete Sweeney go to spring training to cover the Tribe.  Here is Pete's tardy communique:

The Cleveland Indians - oops, Guardians - had a very successful opening day. They defeated the Seattle Mariners Thursday night 6-4.

Not sure if anyone could say they saw Chase DeLauter hitting two home runs coming, but it was exciting.

Clete (who's put on a little weight and had to stand in the back row of the mezzanine) and I sat with some local tribe fans.  The females have a new "Grady" to love.  They call themselves "Chasers".

We will head home after Saturday's game and hope to be recovered by the home opener. 

Clete did want to note that the food at T-Mobile Park is horrible.  He says there is very little red meat, no Brats, and no stadium mustard.  Says he can't wait to get back home.

Your Reward

"We know how stressful the Thanksgiving holiday at your house can be, that's why we do this," said Marty Magliori.

Marty's ManSpa has been operating for over ten years now and Black Friday really is a lucrative day for his company.

"We are booked up today, but I have extended the special pricing through Sunday.  I have extra college kids hired."

Marty's ManSpa will completely detail the inside of the car or truck and wash & wax if the vehicle isn't a junker.

"We had the kid's buffer get caught in a big patch of rust the first year, and the gentleman lost his entire fender," noted Marty.

While your vehicle is being serviced, the men can eat from the buffet, watch fantasy football advice, nap, play euchre, or just zone out in the gummie room.

"The stress of entertaining cousins, coming up with small talk, or keeping someone else's toddler from pulling out all of your LPs, can be overwhelming," said a compassionate Marty.  

"That's why we're here." 

Marty's ManSpa doesn't have a receptionist, online appointments only at www.martyisagenius.spa

Lecture Tonight

The Making Life Better Lecture series will begin the 2026 sessions tonight at the Shady Bend Community Center.

Dr. Chuckwayne Vigoda, Scholar Emeritus, from the MacArthur Institute in Vinton County will be the featured speaker.

Vigoda will talk about the "Wisdom in Proverbs". 

"While I do agree that The Book of Proverbs in the Old Testament would be a fantastic lecture, because of what King Solomon taught, I will talk about the proverbs we all grew up with," said Dr. Vigoda.

Examples from the famed scholar's advertising flyer include proverbs with his updated takes, such as:

The apple doesn't fall...... "it has to be picked".

Absence makes......."for a happy relationship as adults, but stupid kids for the elementary age".

Where there's a will......"there's a strange new cousin".

The session begins at 7pm.  The doors will open at 5:30.

The ladies of the church will serve old fashions and Little Kings Cream Ale.

All attending should use the southside parking lot and entrance. The FFA will provide free car washes for a nominal fee.

Defending The Baird

Last Friday, you will recall, we published a story about opening night at The Baird Theatre for Hindenburg - the Musical.

After that, we told you that alert reader Ann inquired about ticket prices.

We then embarrassingly had to admit that a key part of the story was not included, so we did a follow up piece about seating and ticket prices.

Then we received another email from Ann, commenting that the ticket prices were a "bit pricey".   

So we forwarded that email to theatre General Manager, Oswald Penobscoot, for comment. 

We think it is appropriate to copy and paste Penobscoot's response:

Everyone here at the historic Baird Theatre are very proud of the entire entertainment experience that we consistently provide.

Millions of dollars were invested in the renovation which began 4 years ago that was funded with a generous gift from The Michael Stuver Foundation.

We are very proud of the level of entertainment that hits our stage, the quality lighting and sound system, and the clean bathrooms.

We are diligent in the type of employees we have working to meet the every need of our patrons, from the ticket takers, to the ushers, to the cleaning crew, to the food-service personnel.

Each seat in the Front and Middle section is steam cleaned after every performance.  Each seat in the Rear is wiped down weekly. 

Our Valet drivers are required to bathe and use deodorant. We provide clean uniforms daily for each driver.

Our in-house security guards are trained to be friendly, but firm. The parking lots are patrolled and well lit.

While the cost of doing business increases each year, we believe that our pricing structure is appropriate for both the times and the venue.  Our membership numbers as well as ticket sales confirm that belief.

In closing we do hope that Ann finds a theater somewhere that meets her financial expectations.  

I have included some pictures for those who are not familiar with The Baird.

Oswald Penobscoot, General Manager                        The Baird Theatre.

Something Different

Aunty Em's Lunch Stand has just announced that their mornings will be a little different.

Ava Emerson, known to all around here as "Aunty Em", says her breakfast menu will be a Parisian cuisine.

"Yes we have decided to have a 'Bistro Breakfast' here because it just seems that the platter of two eggs, bacon and hash browns has run its course," said Ava.

She says to expect avocado toast, fresh pastries, yogurt & granola, crusty bread, quiche, croque monsieur,  and upscale egg sandwiches. 

Free coffee with every breakfast order, "but you just can' come in and sit expecting free coffee," she noted.

Her famous tea will remain a big draw with every  2-cup teapot priced at $10.

Aunty Em's Lunch Stand is located right next to the post office.  The new breakfast fare corresponds with her opening up the expanded space where her husband Elvis used to have a junk & curio shop.

No worries though as Elvis moved his junk and curio shop across the street where Batt & Stein used to sell insurance.

Just Released

There is a new publication out that should be of local interest.

After sixty years of serving the local women as their beautician, Ernestine Battestein has retired and written a book.

Gleanings:  Stories Clipped From My Parlor is a collection from Ernestine's years of conversation with her customers.

"I won't call them fables, but there are many life lessons in my book," said the famous trichologist.

A preview of the book by our resident intern that specializes in style critique especially mentions the story about the time when "Bill walked home".

"I waited until some ladies passed on before I told their story, and to be honest some are embarrassingly funny," Battestein noted.

Gleanings:  Stories Clipped From My Parlor is available.

Still Leading The Way

Strasburg State University has long been a destination for 'thinkers' worldwide to further their education.

The diverse student body has been responsible for many innovations that have made our universe a better place.

With that in mind, Dr. Beryl Schnellenwaft, Provost at S.S.U. has announced that beginning January 2nd his newest branch for 'thinkers' world wide will be the S.S.U. Institute for Trash.

"We discard, throw away, burn, and flush so much waste everyday that we feel there needs to be some 'thinking' on the matter," said Dr. Schnellenwaft.

"There has to be a re-purpose for Bic razors, plastic milk jugs,  lint, and such," the Provost continued.

The S.S.U. Institute for Trash is made possible by a generous grant from Reggie's Trash Hauling.

The registrar's office will accept applications from now until December 31st. 

If you know a young 'thinker' forward him this notice. We here in the fresnOnion newsroom know you are and old 'thinker' because you are reading this.

Back On Schedule

Liam Susshmael messaged us late last night asking that we let everyone know that he was back on the normal route schedule.

Liam's retirement hobby is building bird feeders.  With each purchase you will get his "refill for life" package, for a nominal fee of $399 per year.

Well it seems that last week's foot of snow put him a little behind.

"I have spent the last six days getting pathways to each bird feeder. I don't shovel snow, that's just stupid.  I dug out the snowshoes and walked on top of the snow....you know, like Canadians," said Liam when we contacted him this morning.

Liam also wanted us to let everyone know that the invoices are in the mail. 

At the end of his voicemail request that he left on our answering machine, Susshmael was walking the phone back to hang up and muttered:  "...maybe now the old ladies will quit calling....." click.

You can see all the bird feeders that he makes at: www.liamfeedsbirds.chirp

A Big Day

Well, we expect this story to get a lot of clicks.

Today is Taylor Swift's  birthday.  

She is 36.

The greater Fresno Area Taylor Swift Fan Club  will again hold a "Swiftie Birthday" celebration in the Village Centre Community Room.

The projection screen on the east wall will be set up for a live video feed from Taylor that is scheduled for around 3pm.

Along with the usual 'look alike' contest there will be the 'swift kick' competition and the 'not too swift' crowning.

The 'swift kick' involves a football and the dunce hat goes to the fan club member who has done or said something daffy this past year.

All fan club members will enter through the west entrance.

All prospective new members will be screened at the main entrance.  To become a new member, one must be able to sing the first line of a Swift song.

Brunch starts at 10:30 and the Swift Karaoke starts at noon.

Local constable Rollie F. Trupe has called surrounding REACT volunteers to help with crowd control. 

Note:  The investigative journalists here at the fresnOnion are working on the rumor that Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce will be wed in the Pete Ames Carryout and Concert Hall in Chili,  and will honeymoon at the Tie Dyed Lotus in Baltic.

Second Communique

You should recall that we reported to you a few days ago that Pete and Clete (with his winter weight) Sweeney are headed to Arizona.

Each February they drive out to the Indians (darn it) Guardians spring training and file reports with us here at the fresnOnion.

This is Pete's second email:

Well we got into Hugoton mid afternoon Wednesday.  After checking in at the Best Western Clete had a couple BMTs from Subway door dashed over.  He said that should hold him until supper at McDonalds.

We golfed all day  Thursday at Forewinds, 27 holes is enough for this old boy.  I appreciate a 9 hole golf course that has four tee boxes and a halfway house for hot dogs after the 4th hole.

Then, as we usually do, we went to Bonnie & Clyde's Sports Bar for a great cheeseburger and fries basket.  

Clete was a hit during the open mic hour.  He sang "Wasted Days and Wasted Nights" then held a Q & A for the audience.  Most questions were about sports, his love life and diet goals. 

The owner turned off the karaoke machine at 10:30.

We play a quick 9 again Friday morning then head west.  Should be able to check in when we get to Bernalillo, just north of Albuquerque on I-25..   Can't wait to eat at The Range Cafe, Pete likes their desserts.  

The head chef always comes out to say "Ola, Senor Clete".

2026   2026   2026   2026    2026    2026

Debatable

   Other than politics, religion, spanking, and the Browns, is there a more polarizing topic to debate than cats?

   Our friend, Ashley Strickland Ko at CNN Science, sent us an article on Where Cats Come From.

   The article is a good read and also started quite the weeklong "discussion" on cats here in the fresnOnion newsroom.  Some employees and interns have and love their cats while there are polar opposites on the topic.

   When handed a printout of the CNN  article, one intern was overheard saying, "I don't care where they come from, but I can tell you where they can go!"

   The only thing we do know is that if someone hadn't started keeping cats in the house, Edward Lowe would never have invented Kitty Litter.

   Just think of the economic benefit.

   Just think of your every Saturday chore.

editor's note: since this story broke, the fresnOnion newsroom has received a ton of texts, emails, DM's and phone calls regarding the frequency of cleaning the litter box. 

"You've never had a cat!" was the prevalent reader feedback...seems 'every Saturday' is not nearly enough.

Keeping Up

For decades now there has been a battle between toy doll makers for the affection of children everywhere.

Youngsters either have Ken & Barbie or G.I. Joe.

Mattel  has widened their markets with the creation of Barbies with Down syndrome, a blind Barbie, a Barbie and a Ken with vitiligo, in efforts to make its fashion dolls more inclusive.

Just last month our close personal friends at CBS reported that, the toymaker introduced the Autistic Barbie.

Now, the I-Team here in the fresnOnion newsroom is tracking down the rumor that Hasbro will be diversifying G.I. Joe.

We are getting whispers that soon there will be a President Joe, a Civil Servant Joe, a Golfing Joe, a Farmer Joe, a Journalist Joe, a Trans Joe, a Grifter Joe, and an Average Joe.

​Watch this space for further information on this rapidly developing story.

Cub Reporter Selected

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom are trying to get excited about the upcoming Olympics.  

But in all honesty, not even the debut of Ski Mountaineering has piqued our interest.

And why it's called "Milan Cortina" is beyond us.

But maybe it's because  the average age of everyone here in the newsroom is over 66 is why we don't get it.

So we've selected young Danforth Bentley to go to Northern Italy and report back to us about the winter games.

Danforth, the ascot wearing, briefcase carrying young man, is in his senior year at Fresno High School.  His parents gladly (and quickly, we might add) signed his permission slip so he could go.  

His teachers said "by all means, go --go--go".

So the young man who is never at a loss for words, will be reporting back his observations.

Even though the games run from February 6 - 22nd, his parents, siblings, teachers and classmates all pooled their money and sent him early.

The rest of the Danforth family then went to Arizona.  

Watch this space.

Seeking Warmth

One of the most exciting times of Winter is when the equipment trucks for the Cleveland Indians - oops, Guardians head for Arizona.

Those trucks left for Goodyear Park at noon Thursday.

And also departing for the same destination were Pete and Clete Sweeney, as they do every year.

"Yep, we've vacationed slash worked the month of February out in Arizona ever since the Tribe left Florida back in aught 9," said Pete.

"Florida was ok, but the weather was goofy," noted Clete.  "And I surely do miss Hi Corbett Field. But Goodyear Park is nice too."

The Sweeney's left in their over-packed 1975 Ford Pinto Squire woodie wagon. 

We got a call from Pete Friday night that they had to unload all the suitcases and golf clubs because they had a flat tire in St. Louis.

We always look forward to their occasional "reports from the dessert". 

Watch this space.

Lineup Set

The annual Valentine's Day Jazz Fest at the Pete Ames Concert Hall and Carryout  recently announced their entertainment lineup.

"The Yusef Lateef Tribute Trio  will again, try to headline this year's festival," said organizer Franklin Booth.

"We're so pleased they agreed to return, especially after last year's mishap," Booth declared.  All of the flutes were stolen at the Chili Airport, so they had to cancel.

Students from The Dave Brubeck Music Science College will perform just before the headliners.

Zeke 'N Eddy the famously local guys have picked up Al Hirt's grandson and Jimmy Smith's great grandson for the opening act.

And because the Jazz Fest falls on a Saturday, the newly renovated Olinger Arms Hotelhas special packages for the weekend.

Hotel manager Merle Miller says the package includes dinner Friday night, brunch Saturday, concert tickets and breakfast Sunday, all for $875 per person (drinks, taxes and gratuity not included).

"We're nearly sold out already," noted Miller.

Local Cable Channel 80 FZNO will document the festival for later broadcast.  

Colleen Sariotis, the lovely and curvaceous Columbus based jazz singer, has agreed to once again be the Master of Ceremonies.  She will also perform with the Lateef Trio.

"I've selected Tess's Torch Song by Ella Mae Morse to close this year's festival," said Colleen.

Curling, The Excitement Of It All

Everytime the Winter Olympics roll around we are excited about Curling.

The USA  just won a silver medal in this heart pounding sport.  

We here at the fresnOnion were proud to sponsor the watch party and very happy that every Jr. High curling team in the county attended.

Most everyone knows that the curling stones come from one place, Aisla Craig, just off the coast of Scotland.

Our Senior Granite Reporter, Asuka Koda, also contributes to CNN. He has a very insightful story on the topic and interviewed some smart people. 

What Koda didn't tell you is that all curling brooms come from one place, Aisla Waggoner, the island that is a paradoxical conundrum.

Waggoner Island  sits in the middle of the Tuscarawas River which is owned by the State of Ohio.  It is not in any township and when the Waggoner family tried to claim it as part of their quarter-section, a local judge ruled it to be independent and exempt from any governmental control.

So Hondo Waggoner filed a quitclaim deed with the same local judge, his cousin.  Hondo then built a small manufacturing plant for lightweight carbon fiber.  His best customer is Goldline Curling Supplies.

The Waggoner Fiber Company  pays no taxes, EPA rules and regulations don't apply, there are no laws - all the while no crime, and only family members work there.  They all have money.

So the next time you are glued to the tv with your pals watching curling, you can say that you wish you were a cousin that made the broom.

Acceptance

Faithful readers of the fresnOnion will recall that the Chili Convention Center (CCC) was under construction last year.

The sister facility to the Pete Ames Concert Hall and Carry-out  recently had their 'soft opening'.

"What we did was host the Garden Vegetable Advocates Society annual convention," said CCC facility manager Olin Brownhast.

This is the first convention of the GVAS to be held east of the Mississippi and by all who attended, it was considered somewhat of a success.

"There were some parking issues," admitted Brownhast.  "Neighborhood kids charged for parking in front yards that weren't theirs."

The highlight of the convention was the new cottage industry known as "kitchen table vegetable vodka".

Pieter Claesz's cucumber vodka was voted best at the show and his Wakatomika 'Cuke already has orders for over 500,000 bottles.

Brownhast says that the next convention will be The Great Midwest Golf Show the first week of March.  He promised to have the parking issues fixed and have better food vendors.

A Major Award

'Tis the season for college football awards.  We've had the Heisman Trophy ceremony, where Julian Sayin of The Ohio State Buckeyes coming in 4th while garnering the Shaun Alexander Award for "Freshman of the Year".

Just up the road, Grady Kinsey was named Mr. Ohio Football  and now comes the announcement of one of the most coveted accolades in all of organized sport.

The Clete Sweeney Trophy has been given to Simon Lorentz of The Ohio State Buckeyes as "The Best Third String Center in College Football".

Clete, who's put on a little weight recently, was best known for having never fumbled a snap in 4 years of high school games, never being offsides, and having a perfect 'long snap spiral'. 

"Kid's got a great attitude, doesn't miss mealtime, understands the snap count, and has good cousins," said an assistant line coach at OSU when asked about Simon.

At the awards ceremony in the locker room, Simon said "thank you, I will put this trophy on a shelf at home."

Lorentz, who hails from Dover, has not declared a major yet.  But if he's thinking of journalism we have our eye on him here in the fresnOnion newsroom.

A Misunderstanding

"I could tell right away that we weren't welcome," said Hal.

"I sensed that they thought differently than us," said Hal's wife Lucy.

"I couldn't believe their signs," said Hal's brother Chuck.

"I didn't want to go in the first place," said Ramona, Chuck's wife.

Those were just some of the quotes we recorded from the foursome that attended the massive NO KINGS rally Saturday over at the Keene Township  Courtsquare.

"Our signs said KEEP THE KINGS, and GOD SAVE THE KINGS and GAME WILL CHANGE and IT'S GOOD TO HAVE KINGS," said Ramona.

But after a half an hour of some kindly banter the two couples figured out that they were at some kind of political rally.

"We thought this was a movement to eliminate the kings from the card deck.  We play 'hearts' on Wednesdays and 'spades'  on Saturdays and that would just change the whole world," said a sheepish Lucy. "Let alone what it would do to 'hausey' and 'euchre'!"

They blamed Chuck for stirring them up.

"I was just a little lax on the details," he said. "I heard guys talking about it at the barbershop."

Chuck did go on to say the old boys at the barber's were also talking about boycotting the Browns.

"I'm against that boycott too. Heck most of my suits are brown...."

He's Running

With the statement of "something's gotta be done", John Roy (JR) Waltersham has declared his candidacy for public office.

His press release that came out last night declares that if elected he will:

-standardize all TV remote controls. "every clicker should look the same and operate the same."

- insist that all automakers offer standard shift. "what's up 'bout making semis with automatic transmissions?  there goes the popular jake brake sound."

-standardize all streaming apps so they operate alike.  "you should just hit the big round button  to choose your show and the play button  to start."

- make all kids learn to write in cursive.  "I mean good penmanship makes for a good and polite society."

- mandate that all clothing manufacturers offer men's pants in 1 inch increments. "some guys need 47-29.  I mean why make a fella buy pants that are either too tight or too loose, too short or too long?  Nobody wants to see a gentleman wearing britches that are cinched up  and rolled up!"

There are many more bullet points to JR's platform.  We will report those as we cover his campaign and figure out what he's running for.

You can donate at: www.MakingUCareUnitedStates.guv

Everyone who gives over $12 will get a bright green MUCUS hat.

Grand Marshall Selected

The 56th Annual Don Ho-down Mid-Winter Festival is slated for February 7th.

"The ever popular Hawaiian Hootenanny is the perfect remedy for the mid-winter blues," says Sam Torrents, the festival's original longtime organizer.

The festival got its name because in 1970  Don Ho's plane had to make an emergency landing at the West Lafayette International Airport.  Torrents was the airport's janitor and told him about Miller's Dip Grange Hall , and one thing led to another.  He returned for three consecutive years, and Ho's new friend Sam has kept the event going.

"And this year we are so fortunate to have Israel 'IZ' Kamakawiwoʻole as our parade's Grand Marshall," added Sam.

The luau buffet will be available from 3-7pm.

IZ will play a set when the Miller's Dip Grange Hall house band, Zeke 'N Eddy, take a break. 

IZ will also be the judge for the 'best homemade Lei'.

There will be a professional photographer on hand for those that want a picture with IZ.  Because of his girth, your arm isn't long enough for a selfie.

The ladies of the church will serve every drink you can make with Koloa Rum. Sam's wife Tawny will mingle while serving her famous coconut "brownies".

Tickets are on sale everywhere Hawaiian shirts are sold.

Chocolate

Today is almost a national holiday.  At least around these parts.

Today is National Chocolate-Covered Anything Day.

Today from 3 - 7 pm local chocolate lovers will bring everything they like dipped in chocolate to the Shorston Apothecary  where a massive fountain awaits.

All foods and fruits are fair game.  Some stick to their usual favorites like bananas or pretzels, others will experiment.

Julian Shorston, shop owner says "no double dipping."

Editor's note:  So we take a Tuesday off and leave the fresnOnion newsroom in the hands of the interns.

Julian called and said the "Cover Anything with Chocolate" celebration is going on through the end of the week.  

"It doesn't make much sense to rent a big chocolate fountain for one day," he snorted.

Also, the ladies of the church called and were miffed that they weren't mentioned in the article.  They will be at the Shorston Apothecary every day from 3-7 to serve their traditional Chocolate Scotch, Chocolate Gin, Chocolate Vodka and Chocolate Margaritas.  All proceeds help fund their vacation account.

Inquiry Requested

Things were quite heated last night at the Village Council Meeting.

Residents and council members alike are calling for Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe to investigate Bobbi Jo Gentry, the area's long standing Official Courier and Messenger.

Gentry is being accused of opening and reading the contents of the messages and packets she was entreated to deliver.

"We didn't authorize the creation of that position to give her privilege to the contents!", declared local businessman William R. Dirkson.

"I always knew she was a snoop, didn't like her in high school, and didn't vote for her," said council member Suzi Wadsworth.

Trupe promised to follow all protocols in his inquiry of these complaints. 

Gentry will be on paid suspension until the matter is resolved.

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom have always opined that this was a waste of tax dollars with modern advancements of technology as an alternative form of communication.

In other council news, Trupe reported 33 feral cat complaints.

True Crime?

The story broke late last evening. The issue that has been a quiet buzz for about five years has been revealed.

Ever since the pandemic shutdown ended and set us free to socialize, travel and just be "out", many have noticed the disappearance of our stuff.

Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe heard the whispers of "slight concern" as he called it, from a growing number of his constituents.

"I started to catalogue the off handed comments from the locals about them missing things. Not big thefts but small, inconsequential things, like saucers or personalized cigarette lighters or buckets," said Rollie.

Here is the press release that came out at 11:44 pm yesterday:

After an exhaustive and prolonged investigation, I have uncovered a theft ring and consequently the creation of 'Kleptocurrency', a form of creating something of value out of nothing.

Moreover, I have determined this crime was born in a "think tank" at Strasburg State University.  It was an experiment of monetary economics.  

The graduate students analyze and theorize ways to create a medium of exchange, store of value, and unit of account. 

I determined this whole thing is closely integrated with macroeconomics, so this department started to observe certain trends.

We determined that when a student "took" an ink pen, they would go to the "bank" and get a button.  The color of the button held a certain value.  

Buttons were saved or used to get something of value from another party that saw the button's worth.

This Kleptocurrency ring has been broken and the matter is now with the prosecutor's office to determine the extent of this crime.

Locals can stop by the office to reclaim their stuff.

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom have been missing a three hole paper punch, 2 staplers, one box of fax machine ink ribbons, and six boxes of 4-color ink pens.

Last Night Was A Sell-out

It has come to our attention here in the newsroom at the fresnOnion that our story about last night's opening of Hindenburg - the Musical  was incomplete.

Alert, but never frugal reader Ann, asked how much were tickets.  And we are embarrassed because that was information that we didn't include in the final story.  Our editor erroneously clipped the last paragraph.

Even though last night was a huge success and the famous Baird Theatre was overflowing with theatergoers, there are tickets available.

Front  tickets are $198.00

Middle  tickets are $118.00

and Rear  tickets are $5.00

The box office at TheBaird, like all good theaters, is open 24 hours a day.

Vacation

A popular restaurant just south of Myrtle Beach used to have a sign out front that read -  Catch of the day: STEAK 

We have all heard of the  "stay-cation".  The variation on vacation whereas you convince the kids that staying home, laying on the porch glider, and not spending money is a wonderful option.

Well the local cattlemen's association, The Fresno Beefboys, have an idea for those in search of new and unique "cations".

"We call it a "Steak-cation'", said Top Beefboy J.J. Grillo.

Those who attend will be put up in the bunkhouse, work one of the local cattle ranches, and leave with a greater understanding of "pasture to plate".

"We have steak and eggs around 10am after morning chores," Grillo noted. "Then at 4:30 the dinner will be either t-bones, pot roast, beef 'n noodles, prime rib, chopped steak with gravy, BBQ Beef sandwiches or brisket stew. We call it 'brisket stew', but it really is just everything left over, after the butchering." 

"Over the years, we have grown to believe that this type of vacation is best for the 16 year old, entitled, mouthy brat," laughed J.J.

More information and registration can be found at www.nosteakuumshere.moo

Local Man To Interview

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom have finally got confirmation that Grover Schwinglington will be given an interview for the Cleveland Browns Head Coaching position.

Schwinglington is quite known locally for his opinions.  He shares them even if they weren't solicited.

Schwinglington is infamous for being kicked out of local jr. high sporting events. He was removed from coaching pee wee football after one game.

He calls whatever talk shows will give him a platform for his thoughts, and regularly posts his 'takes' online.

The fresnOnion research team discovered that Grover has posted 588 negative opinions on the state of the Cleveland Browns in the last year alone.

We can only surmise that by granting him a zoom interview, General Manager Andrew Berry is trying to expose him for the ignorant know-it-all we are already aware of.

And to be complete in our reporting, Grover Schwinglington is a cousin of Pete and Clete Sweeney.

"A family embarrassment", every Sweeney has uttered.

Then again, he just might get the job.

Watch this space for further developments. 

AT LAST

We know you are expecting some Etta James news with that headline, but this story is about a long expected conclusion.

David Hollansby is now Doctor David Hollansby.

For the last 51 years Hollansby has been working on his doctoral thesis.  He acquired his degree in American Culture first at Strasburg State University then collaborating with Michigan University Online to satisfy the SSU doctoral  requirements.

Dr. Hollansby's thesis, which has now been published, is:  Who Was Opie's Mother?

Hollansby's half-century dive into the early life of Andy Griffith revealed that he worked for the State Department in the mid to late 1950's.  

Specifically '56-'58 in Poland.  It was while on this assignment that he secretly met with the stunning Polish actress Teresa Izewska. 

The strawberry blonde actress had just completed the blockbuster film, Kanal.

But in late '57, Izewska knocked on Griffith's door, handed him a little red-headed boy, said she had just been cast in Rancho Texas, and disappeared.

Andy left the state department and returned to Mayberry where he was appointed sheriff and raised Opie.  

It was also discovered that Opie is the americanized pronunciation for O.P. His real name is Olek Prokop Griffith as named by his mother Teresa.

In the winter of '59, Izewska sent her director friend to the states to secretly film some of Opie's life.  That film became a hit television series.  

When Dr. Hollansby reached out to Opie with his results, the red haired film star said, "I've always liked polish kielbasa." 

Funny Math

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom believe that John Prine said it best: "It's a Big Old Goofy World."

And that's our sentiment exactly.  

The Oxford University Press has announced that this year's WORD of the YEAR is actually 2 words!

Rage Bait is like clickbait but wants to make you cross.

Now we're not cross or anything, but it's two words....not one....why not call it "phrase of the year" or something.  But to think we can just sit idly by and accept them declaring two words as "word of the year" and not call them out, is both arrogant and disrespectful.  Jeesh give us a break!!!!!

It's our advice to not click on the link in this story.

Exciting News

Anytime we can report on news coming out of the animal kingdom, we here in the fresnOnion newsroom feel gratified.

Our longtime reporter friend, Ben Hooper, whom we met last week is reporting about the birth of a couple of elephant shrews.

The pups were born at The Hertfordshire Zoo.  This is the same zoo that has a reciprocal agreement with The Coshocton Indigenous Animal Conservatory.

Because of that agreement, we will be able to observe an elephant shrew once it has been weaned from its mother's care.

Our intern pressed the CIAC executive director, Oliver Johns, about what local critter we are sending across the pond.

Finally getting the answer: opossum.

​The members of 'Possum Lodge plan a protest.

"The Right Thing"

In this world of me, me, me and take, take, take, it's nice to hear about a little charity.

Our longtime friends over at the IFLScience website recently reported that there are no bridges over the Amazon River.

When local bridge builder Big Kit Clipperson read that he knew it was time to act.

"Call it paying forward, giving back, or just a charitable act, but I'm sending a crew from Clipperson Bridges and Trestle  to Codajas," said Big Kit. "We've been very fortunate and are thankful for our success." 

"The advance team will meet with local officials and explain our gift.  There are no building permits or EPA regulations, which is nice," noted Clipperson.

The plan is to start with an eight foot wide bridge suitable for foot traffic, bicycles and animal pulled carts.

"We'll see if a span for cars and trucks is warranted in the future," concluded Big Kit.

When asked why Codajas, Clipperson said, "because I dated a girl, Valentina,  from there in college.  Her dad made us break up because he said I was 'fat and probably lazy and wouldn't amount to a thing'."

​"I want to invite him to the ribbon cutting ceremony."

Eating crow through charity, always nice to see in action.

Alumni Banquet

The Burger Rock Exempted School  Alumni Association has announced their upcoming Alumni Banquet details.

"Our annual banquet will be held on June 13th this year," says Maureen Engelsmurn, chairperson.

This year the honored class will be the 50th reunion class of 1976, and according to Engelsmurn, all three graduates have rsvp'd.

The Burger Rock School  is the nation's only recognized and accredited one-room schoolhouse.  

School Superintendent/janitor, Manfred (Manny) Quinn, has noted that they will also be honoring their longtime teacher that evening too. 

Miss Molly Haggletine has reached the mandatory retirement age of 90.  The School has had only three teachers in their history.

"We hire the young lady when she is twenty and after they have fulfilled their contract obligations, 70 years, she retires," says Quinn.

This year Haggletine will receive an all expenses paid trip to Yellow Springs, Ohio to attend the Dave Chappelle Awards Dinner for America's retiring educators.

"Good Golly," said Miss Molly, when informed of her upcoming trip. "I'd rather have a pension, but partying with Chappelle is cool too."

The Burger Rock Schoolhouse  is located out on the good limestoned township road just southwest of West Lafayette.

All information on the banquet can be found at: www.dontdrinkit.blech

Fair Warning:  The News below should not  be referenced in your senior class essay

Prepared

As you should know, BE PREPARED is the Boy Scouts motto.

But locally we know that BEING PREPARED FOR LIFE is also a good motto.  

That's the mission of The Wilmer Harrigan Institute for Young Men.

And with the spring term coming, it has been announced that the summer session at The Institute for those that have to holdover and choose to holdover will be very educational.

Provost Garrison Schneckterley says that' gambling and games' will be the theme.

"We want all of our young men to be prepared for every situation they might find themselves in when they leave The Institute," says Schneckterley.

Those who are registered will not only learn how to gamble, but the lingo and the calculation of the odds.  They will learn every card game and how to recognize every opportunity to wager.

"When you see an elderly couple crossing a lengthy intersection, that's an opportunity to place a bet with your companion," says the Provost.  "Will they make it safely? will one, or both tumble? will they be struck by a motorized vehicle? will her purse be snatched? you can propose an over/under on the time they take to complete the crossing.  One just has to be attuned to life."

Along with cards, the young men will learn to gamble at backgammon with the doubling cube. And also, all of the assorted ways to gamble whilst golfing.

Because of the wonders of A.I. a hologram of Robert Baden-Powell will give daily lectures.

The Wilmer Harrigan Institute for Young Men also has scholarships available, see the Provost's executive secretary Lonnie Anderton.

Local To Play On Tour

It's not very often that a local lad gets to play golf for serious money, but that is just the case for Horton "Cleek" McCray.

Cleek has just been notified that his application to play on the Norwegian Sea Tour  has been approved.

Tour stops include the season opener atNuuk Golf Club in Greenland.

The tour then moves over to Iceland to play the Vik Golf Club on the southernmost point of the island.

As the weather improves there will be tournaments at the many courses on the western seaboard including Golfklubbeur Vestmannaeyja.

There are nineteen golf clubs in Iceland and after the tour makes it's last regular season stop at the fabled Akureyri Golf Club for the Arctic Open, the top 24 will play the Norwegian Tour Championship.

Those twenty four qualifiers will be fortunate enough to compete on the Torshavnar Golffelag. This outstanding 9-hole design can be found in the Faroe Islands between Scotland and Iceland.

Cleek McCray, has an impressive resume including five-time third place in the county championship, B Flight.  He made the cut once at the Publinx Junior, and was 12th alternate for the Southeast Ohio Open at The Lake Lila Golf and Country Club.

"I'll be working on my game in the field behind our barn until I leave," says Cleek.

Everyone who golfs here in the fresnOnion newsroom is rooting for the kid.

Substitute Words

A couple of weeks ago we reported about the local Parents Social Club contracting with Sir Ogden Gnash to instruct our teenagers on the fine art of witty, underhanded, condescending 'trash talk'.  It was all an attempt to dissuade them from using the vulgar words.

Not only was that effort well received it also opened up the lines of communication between parent and teen.

"I've been talking with Junior about the words my dad used when he hit his thumb with a hammer," said Juie Eisentot.

It also spurred a lot of emails and answering machine messages about the "words" heard in days gone by.

Casual reader, Ann (who has not paid her subscription fees yet) said her dad used to say "Criminy Dutch!!!".

We all remember Burton who would say "Jeezmus Krauts" when the crescent wrench would slip.

Many other messages referred to the conjugated "durn, darn, dang."

Jeffy says his grandad knew and used them all: drat, phooey, fiddlesticks, rats, crud, and son of a biscuit.

He also speculates that the character FLO stole his grandma's "Kiss my grits".

"She said that to grandpa all the time," remembers Jeffy.  "And she was scary mean!"

This Just In

January 25, 2026 (Fresno, O)   

It's Snowing.  

A Lot.

Everything is Closed.

Except for the Fresno Civic Hall Warming Center and Beverage Bar.

The ladies of the church are serving hot coffee with Yukon Jack. 

Can He Do That?

When one of our interns said "see you Monday" that meant that all of the interns and all of the full time employees of the fresnOnion would return to work on the 29th.

Come to find out the POTUS made the Christmas Eve and the day after Christmas a holiday.

All interns and most of the staff don't work weekends.  So that leaves us with a skeleton staff for a couple of days.

Please continue to report newsworthy ideas.

Local Politics, Day 2

Stop!  We Implore you.

Our faithful readers will recall that just yesterday we reported to you about the town council meeting and Freida Beck's proposal.

Freida was so enamored with Cozy Fridays  in Sweden that she initiated an ordinance to make it mandatory here; everyone stays in on Friday nights.

Well, the answering machine's tape recorder ran out and our email inbox here in the fresnOnion newsroom was overwhelmed with your responses.

IT'S NOT OUR IDEA!  So stop yelling at us.  One of the interns said, "Why do I feel like the bad guy?"

Now having said all that, we do acknowledge some concerns raised by local residents.

"What about Friday night football?"

"I can't stay home, the wife hosts a euchre party for her friends."

"Our lodge has been meeting every Friday night since the beginning of time."

"That's my grocery shopping schedule."

"My brothers and I whittle and drink Blatz  on Friday nights."

And those are just a few of the hundreds of concerns we logged.

Go to the next town council meeting in January.  And, please contact your council member....not us.

Sweeneys Will Report

The 91st annual meeting of National Football League franchises to select newly eligible players, known as "The Draft", is coming up next week.

Our two local Cleveland Browns fans, Pete and Clete (who's put on a little more weight) Sweeney will be covering the spectacle for us here at the fresnOnion.

"Since Pittsburgh is so close, we thought we'd drive over and attend the festivities," said Pete.

"Our cousin on mom's side, WillieMark, lives in the family home in Aliquippa," said Clete. "He's a Kirby Sweeper Sales and Service  guy.  Only problem is he's a Stiller fan...big time. He said 'no' we couldn't stay there until I told him that I am sponsored by Bud Light and they'd pay." 

"The draft doesn't start until well after supper so we'll probably just mosey over to The Sewickley Heights Golf Club and see if the starter can work us in," noted Pete. 

Unless there are some trades, the Browns have the sixth and 24th pick in the first round.  

Clete has already been researching places to eat.

"I do want to try some sushi at The Slippery Mermaid down the road in Sewickley," Pete said. "But everytime I mention sushi anywhere we go, Clete always quotes Terry Bradshaw:

"Where I come from, we call that cut bait....."

The Sweeney Report

Another week for 'the boys of summer' to play themselves into shape has passed.

For those that don't know, the fresnOnion sends Pete and Clete Sweeney to Arizona each year to report on the Cleveland Indians-oops, Guardians spring training.

Here are Pete's latest notebook scribbles:

-This team has some really great young ballplayers. Clete told me he overheard an interview with Austin Hedges about a young pitcher.  Hedgie said he thought the young man was a lock to make the team and was told he'll probably start in high A (East Lake).

-Nolan Jones might not make the team, but "looks like a ballplayer".

-Clete took the infielders out for BBQ.  The waitress told Manzardo he'd be cuter if he shaved that mustache.

-I had to break up a fist fight in the stands between two old ladies.  They were debating the Kwan to centerfield move.  I took a haymaker upside the head and had to get an ice pack.

-Played golf with Jay Crawford of Channel 3.  That boy might be the best putter I've ever seen.  He says that old 8802 has been good to him over the years. Jay says his dad bought it new in '62.

-Weather here has been great, glad we're not there.

When Handed Lemons.....

We all know the proverb's advice about turning something into positivity.

Well that is just what the local Parents Social Club has done.

"We've contracted with Sir Ogden Gnash to instruct our teenagers on the fine art of witty, underhanded, condescending 'trash talk'," said local mom Julie Eisentot.

Sir Gnash has been a standoffish recalcitrant since he moved here and restored the old Cutshall mansion down at the end of the other road.

"He uses words like: fustilarian and zounderkite and even called my husband a fopdoodle when he was officiating a little league football game," said another mom, Peggy, "and he said it with such a mean tone."

"We just want our kids to use better words than the ugly ones they use today," Julie told us, "It just makes them sound ignorant."

We, the old guard here in the fresnOnion newsroom, will stick with dagnabbit, darn, shucks and fudge.

Plainfield (s)

There is this nice little village down the highway called Plainfield.  Nice people reside there, too.

And this weekend our local Plainfield will host the annual Plainfield Sister City  convention.

Delegates from every town, village, borough, city, municipality, settlement, township, burgh or conurbation that is known as Plainfield, will be here.

There are RSVPs from Illinois, Indiana, and New Jersey, Vermont, Wisconsin, Connecticut, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Michigan (they have several) and New York.

Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe has placed his deputy on "reasonable alert" status.

"The last time we had one of these, there was a small traffic jam, and that was caused by a couple of ladies that had 'I am not budging' attitudes," said Rollie, using air quotes.

All lodging has been booked and most eating establishments will be full this Friday night thru Sunday brunches, so get your groceries today and cook something.

The middle of the day on Saturday will allow all visitors to shop and take guided tours.  

One local shoppe owner refers to this time as "black Saturday" because this crowd likes to spend money.

The Saturday night agenda will include welcoming new "Plainfields", voting on next year's site, election of officers, the treasurer's report, and concluding with the Plainfield Grande Ball.

The ladies of the church will staff the three cash bars.

information and incriminating photos from year's past can be found on the Plainfield MyFaceSpaceTok  page.

The Sweeney Report

This is the third and final report from Pete and Clete Sweeny until spring training for the Indians ....oops again, Guardians commences.  

Pete's email arrived here in the fresnOnion newsroom last night at 11:30:

Well we got to Albuquerque with very little road trouble.  We played the quick nine at Forewinds and I had a 32.  Clete had his all-time career round of 51, so there were good vibes when we left Hugoton.

We did have an embarrassing moment Friday night at The Range Cafe.  I ordered their popular HOOSIER PORK PICCATA and Clete had the "All You Can Eat Buffet".

After two hours, the owner walked in the front door and asked the cute little hostess "where is he?"    She pointed to Clete.

The owner came to our table, looked at Clete and said, "You're a big boy.  You should leave right now." He confiscated the silverware and handed Clete his lawyer's business card.

We paid and left.

Clete, as you might know by now, has put on a little weight.  He asked me to drive thru at Whataburger.

I'll write when things start up in Goodyear.

More To The Story

Every now and then there is a story that will cause our readers to respond.

This reporter gets emails and messages on the answering machine.

The interns get messages every which way.  They tell me there are communications on their facespace, Tikboard, InstaTok, or some such new tech.

But after the story about the Strasburg State University's artificial intelligence breakthrough, we spent all of Friday retrieving answers. 

The Watching Dave Barry Stories article has everyone talking, speculating, praying and questioning.

Strasthropic, the A.I. spinoff company at SSU was in full disclosure mode when we called.

How does it work?  was one of the questions. 

An employee will scan the written story by Dave Barry and the app will digest every word and create a template.

The template will have questions about the story that can't be answered by its history algorithm.  Questions like: How handsome is the fireman?

Once the episode is created, a committee will review for glitches, incongruities, or legal issues.

The new technology at SSU will not get us in a war.

The new technology will not replace Friday Night Football.

The new technology will not be the demise of the local little theatre.

The new technology does not make golf easier.

We don't think......

Update 12:32 am

Editors Note:  The interns continue to track down, fact check and glean answers and insight into the new Strasthropoic A.I. at Strasburg State University.  The following are their findings:

The new technology is not a dating service.

The new technology does have anime capabilities.

The new technology will not help with your weight loss.

The new technology will not affect elections.

The new technology will not create naughty movies

The new technology will not reveal if your neighbor is an alien.

Remembrance and Honour

Every year on this day, the fourteenth day of April, we go into the record library and pull out all of our Shorty Rogers LPs.

Today is the late Shorty Rogers' birthday.

Shorty was credited with being one of the creators of "west coast jazz". You couldn't really have a jazz combo without a trumpet and flugelhorn player, and Shorty was one of the best.

His 33 (and a third) rpm record: Chances Are It Swings  is one that exemplifies the period.  Listen to it (click here).

And, every year on this day, the fourteenth day of April, the interns here in the fresnOnion newsroom roll their eyes, complain, put in their earbuds or claim to have an "interview" somewhere.

​We just turn up the volume and blast Shorty out of the Cerwin-Vegas.

SPORT

Accusations of being 'one dimensional' are never a good thing.

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom take the coverage of sport very seriously.

So  last night we were courtside at Rocket Arena in downtown Cleveland for the Cleveland Pierogi Eating Championship.

The sloppy, disgusting contest took place during halftime of some basketball contest.

Joey Chestnut, the 16 time hot dog eating champion, easily won over the combined pierogis consumed by three random guys from the janitor's room.

Some start-up cable channel, ESPN (pronounced S-pin) stood in front of our position on press row, but we watched the whole thing unfold on the suspended gigantic Jumbotron tv screen.  

Chestnut's parents were unavailable for comment on their child prodigy.

Finally, it should be noted that the "emergency buckets" under the table were not deployed.

Tomorrow: a deep dive into Joey Chestnut's Pepto Bismol contract.

Eat Here

For some, retirement means time to golf or garden or whittling sticks. For others it means time to follow a dream.

That is exactly what Jace LaChevronette has done.

"I was at this auction and some restaurant equipment came up for bid.  I impulsively purchased four diner stools, a gas stove with a griddle, and a deep fryer," said Jace.

"I have this summer house on the side property, so I converted it into a little local diner," he continued.

This reporter is pleased to tell you that JACE's FOOD SHANTY is a wonderful addition to our fine dining neighborhood fare.

The menu is simple: 

-Fried Bologna, Trail Bologna, Cheeseburgers and Grilled Cheese are the sandwiches.

-Anything that can be deep fried.

-Breakfast all day til 1pm.

Jace opens at 6am, closes at 1:30, golfs at 2.

No reservations, so get in line.  Once your plate is clean, you must leave.  

Two other notes:  No beer sales, yet, and Jace has not installed an exhaust fan so you will come out smelling like you've been deep fried.

JACE's FOOD SHANTY is located on the boulevard amongst the nice houses.

Earliest EVER

The times, they truly are " a 'changin' ".

A Fresno area horticulturist has documented the earliest emergence ever of the revered mullein plant.

"I first noticed them on March 2nd," the anonymous grower said.  "Then when the hillside exploded, I took a picture and sent it in.

The entire National Mullein Society's Authentication and Recognition Committee  flew to Fresno via helicopter to see his early mullein first hand.

"We had to come to verify that no external, illegal, forbidden or illicit actions, items, or practices  violated our established laws, regulations, or rules," said committee chairman Roland Bogdanove.  

If that name rings a bell then you are right.  Roland is the step half cousin of the famous Jon Bogdanove.

The local grower has won many awards in the past, but for his crop to show this early in the year is astounding.

"So glad to get another certificate," said the venerable agronomist.  "Just keep my location private, I want no looky loos traipsin' around this place." 

A Good Cause

The most talked about fund-raiser of the year is coming up this Sunday.

The 58th Annual Fresno Santa Run will take place again on Hamilton Ave.

The ladies of the church  organize this popular event where everyone wears a Santa outfit and runs the grueling 100 yards to the Sawmill Park.

The big tent provides for a nice social hour, where the ladies serve brats, beer and chili.

Categories for the prizes include: 

-least clothed Santa (two categories, male & female)

-skinniest Santa

-best look-a-like Santa

-sexiest Mrs. Santa

-slowest Santa

All proceeds go to  the ladies of the church's bathe a homeless man account.

Local Cable Channel 80 FZNO will be on hand to document and post anything viral worthy.

The Santa Run takes place at 1pm because nobody watches the Browns anymore.

Always A Good Time

Our friend over at the National  Day Calendar, Amy Monette, has reminded us that today is National Fruitcake Toss Day.

It is an event that has taken place here in Fresno for the last 32 years.

But it was just last year that prompted the Fruitcake Toss Committee  to write some safety protocols.

So we remind you that if you attend today and want to participate here are the new rules:

- All attendees in the toss pit MUST wear a hardhat, batting helmet or football helmet.  "We'll have no more bloody incidents like last year," said committee chairperson Pammy Duckworth.

- All attendees must be 21 or older. "We think that some teens were targeting last year," noted Pammy.

- Entry fee for spectators will be $20 per family; $15 for 'cake tossers'. "We had to get insurance, so that's why the fees were increased a bit," lamented Pammy.

- There will be three categories this year: Round, Bundt, and Loaf.  "Some kid at Strasburg State University determined that the shape alters the flight and it wasn't fair because the 'Loaf' tossers have won 20 years in a row," said a disgusted Pammy.

- All fruitcakes that are to be tossed will be subject to an x-ray.  "We think that some 'tossers' were loading their cakes with scrap metal to get a longer distance," said Pammy glumly.

Blue Ribbons will be awarded to the longest toss in each category.  Red Ribbons will be given to second place.  Black Ribbons and a lemon will be handed to the worst tosser.

The Fresno Fruitcake Toss  starts at 1pm in the Sawmill Park District open field down on Hamilton Avenue. Extra stadium seating has been hauled in from the football field.

The ladies of the church will operate the big beverage tent. 

Not A Leg Lamp

In this season of giving thanks, exchanging gifts, and renewing friendships, it is also the "Awards Season".

Trophies, prizes and 'major awards' are being handed out. 

Local writer Charlton Seever has been notified that he is the recipient of the coveted Lyric and Limerick Laureate Prize.

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom find this rather ironically hilarious, as Charlton was the subject of one of the most locally quoted limericks of all-time:

There once was a boy from Fresno

Who frequently scrubbed with the grease of his elbow

His graffiti on walls

Made blushers of all

And his mom didn't believe it so

The award ceremony will be held in DC when the new ballroom is finished.

April 1st, 2026 Is Here!  No Foolin'

The Rumors and Hearsay Department here in the fresnOnion newsroom has confirmed that Quentin Tarantino is returning to the small screen.

While the staff (including interns) of the newsroom were taking an extended lunch break yesterday at Throckmorton's Food Truck, an intern overheard a local saying that our own Clete Sweeney signed a Hollywood contract.

So after numerous phone calls, when everyone woke up from their afternoon nap, it was confirmed that Tarantino is spearheading the reboot of Hee Haw.

Because our interns tracked down Clete and got him to speak on the record, Tarantino's office sent out a hurried press release.

That release indicates that Marcus King will play the role of Roy Clark.  Buck Owens' role will be filled by Charlie Starr.

The rest of the cast:

Miley Cyrus - Minnie Pearl. "She nailed the 'How dee' portion of the audition".

Reese Witherspoon - Sunshine Cornsilk. "Nobody says 'Salute' like Reese.

Clete Sweeney - Junior Samples. "Talk about a perfect type casting job....especially when he stumbled through 'BR 549'".

Tom Selleck - Grandpa Jones. "Makeup will be needed to make him look younger".

Travis Kelce - Archie Campbell. "He just looked good wearing a barber's smock and holding clippers."

Sydney Sweeney, Paige Spiranac, Ashley Judd and Nicole Kidman have all been cast as Hee Haw Honeys. "And not because of their 'daisy dukes' fashion tryouts".

When asked why this, why now? Tarantino said, "I just needed to do a passion project, bucket list, mental health job for a while." 

Production begins April 15th with the first episode slated for September.

The first month's musical guests have been confirmed as well. The Toy Factory Project, Gov't Mule, Blackberry Smoke and Joe Bonamassa have been inked to a contract that includes participating in various skits.

The overpriced Local Cable Channel FZNO+ will air the episodes in primetime.

March 31st Is Here!

Today, around these parts, is lovingly referred to as "carb up day". 

That's because today is National Tater Day.  Our longtime friend Amy Monet over at the National Day Calendar  website, says that the nation is celebrating the potato today.

Locally to celebrate, Jock Throckmorton has repurposed his pulled pork food truck to do nothing but prepare the potato.

"Yep, today I will serve the loaded baked potato, the scalloped potato, the fresh cut french fries, hash browns, fried taters, German potato salad, and of course mashed potatoes with brown gravy," said Jock.

Last year's big hit, the 'tavern potato' is returning as well according to Chef Throckmorton.

"Chef Cameron at the Canal Tavern of Zoar  taught me this one," says Jock. "What I do is take a baked potato, score it both ways about a third of the way down, and then drop it into the deep fryer for a bit.  Served with sour cream, real butter and chives....nothing better."

Everything will be $4 per helping.

His food truck will be parked out at the intersection of the good county road and the National Byway. 

Also, again this year, the third graders in the hospitality class at the Fresno Vocational School will be peeling potatoes.

Jock reminds everyone, again, that this is a "bring your own meat" type of situation.

The boss here in the fresnOnion newsroom is making country cured ham sandwiches for everyone.

Maybe A Comeback?

There have been whispers going about recently about a possible return to the stage for a popular duo from the 1960's.

Lowell and Juanita were the darlings of the folk scene from 1965 until 1970.

"We both turned 75 this year and have been noodlin' about with our music, so maybe.........." Lowell said with a gaze toward Juanita, his "sweet chiquita".

The two high school lovers started playing at age 15 and when the local radio station sent a demo to NYC, they were opening for The Lovin' Spoonful  by 1966.

In fact, it was Zal Yanovsky that co-wrote the protest song "This war is as wrong as pourin' out good whiskey" with Lowell.

"If we do put together a 'folk-up' - that's what we call a sudden get-together, we'll let you know," Juanita told our fresnOnion intern.

Watch this space, we feel A Mighty Wind a comin'.

Spring Training

We are still slogging through all of the backlog of communications that came in during the 4 day IT crash shutdown.

Here is the Spring Training report on the Indians, oops Guardians, that Pete emailed on Thursday:

While Clete stayed at the big league diamond, he says the food is better, I went to the back diamonds to look at the minor leaguers.

A couple of youngsters look like ball players if I am allowed to profile.

Fans should keep an eye on these future big leaguers: 

Alfonsin Rosario, OF - All he does is hit.

Welbyn Francisca, SS - All he does is play hard.

Jace LaViolette, OF - All he does is hit homers.

Juneiker Caceres, OF  - BALLPLAYER! and he's only 18 !!

Dean Curley, INF - Good glove, I call him 'nyuk, 'nyuk

Daniel Espino, P - Looks smooth and healthy

Clete says to remind all that the games start on Saturday with a split squad.  He'll stay here to watch us play the Reds.  I'll go on the road to Phoenix for the Brewers.

Clete also says that the hot dogs are a monumental upgrade over last year's fare.  He's trying to track down the person responsible for a future story.

​We're staying at the popular  Sundowner Motel  on Litchfield road.  We have Hal Lebovitz's girlfriend on one side of us. She says that even though Hall passed in '05, she still loves the Tribe:  and Albert Belle on the other. We play nine holes every afternoon before dinner. He does not give putts.

Recognition

The Semifinalists for the James Beard Award have been released.

Dan the Baker over in Columbus has been recognized in the "Best Baker" division. 

Mallorca in Cleveland is up for the "Best Hospitality" Award. 

And that's about it for Ohio.

And once again, Salvatore Massimino (Rollie's third cousin) has been ignored.

Dirty Sal's Pizza Pie and Pasta Emporium  is widely regarded as a place to get pizza.  His Fresno Style Pizza  is ordered frequently.

Sal uses his great-grandmother's recipe for the pasta sauce and we like it.

And as far as hospitality goes, Sal never forgets a face and name.  When your order is ready, Sal calls your name so you can walk up and get it handed to you.  He always smiles and winks at the ladies.

​His longtime girlfriend, Annunziata Filomena Ramono (Ray's third cousin), always runs the cash register with aplomb even if there are two customers waiting. 

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom just aren't sure what the James Beard Foundation have against Sal, but we'd like a congressional hearing on the matter.

Write a letter, we already sent a strongly worded telegram.

Biz News

Local entrepreneurs Beany DiMaggio and Harlan Nagelstein have announced their newest venture:  2 Guys With a Tractor and Hay Wagon Moving Services.

"We've been seeing this need for a while now as we see our friends moving with a little Chevy S10," said Beany.

"So we've formed this company to assist those who are moving within a ten mile radius of Fresno," noted Harlan.

"I got the idea after seeing a truck with 2 Guys and a Truck painted on the side and thought now there's an idea," offered Beany.

"We'll do all the lifting if you have everything packed,  but not on rainy days." concluded Harlan.

2 Guys With a Tractor and Hay Wagon Moving Services are on the world wide web at:  www.tryintomakesome.cash

A Major Award

The Automotive History Preservation Society recently bestowed their most prestigious award on a local car dealer.

Otto Graysom was on hand in Red Bud, Illinois for The AHPS annual, informal, non-mandatory attendance Fall Mixer.

The group gathered at the world famous Ratzkeller, a popular sports bar and grill.

Graysom was given the Society's Lifetime Achievement Award.   The 89 year old still goes to his lot every day  where he has 3 remaining Pontiacs.  

He washes these, now collectables, every other day and waxes once a week.

Otto has a 1950 Pontiac Chieftain, a 1955 Pontiac Star Chief Station Wagon, and a 1952 Pontiac Catalina.

Although he's had offers, during his acceptance speech, Graysom said, "Folks just don't want to pay today's prices."

Otto's Autos  is located north on the good county road, just past the Blockbuster/laundromat/Keno building.

The Survey Says

Recently an extensive poll was conducted to determine "What is the best crayon?"

One hundred school crossing guards, 100 mechanical engineers, 100 driving range marshals, 100 water tower painters, and 100 five year olds were asked that very question.

"Yellow" was the prevailing selection from all except from the five year old demographic.

There was no clear favorite there.

Lola Weingarber spoke for the group saying that it wasn't a fair question.

​"What mood or visual effect is your goal?" she asked the pollster.  "Are we to consider the monochromatic or the harmonious relationships?" 

"Obviously you need the primary colors to start,  and, of course, the secondary colors are important, but the real game changers are, obviously, the tertiary group!"

Obviously.

Weingarber will enter the 8th grade next fall.

Expanding

The Port Washington Prune Juice Company  has announced that they will be adding a second shift.

PWPJ  President, CEO, CFO and Marketing Director, Durwood U. Duncan, says the time is right.

"We've seen some movement in the marketplace, some solid proof if you will, that 2026 is the time for a regular ramp-up of production," said Duncan.

PWPJ  will need four new employees to facilitate their expansion.

"We need a certified, experienced juice press operator, a young and enthusiastic bottle inspector/loader, a bottle inspector/box loader, and an experienced forklift driver," noted Durwood.

Those who are selected for employment will be paid two times the average wage, full insurance benefits for the family, and membership at The Lake Lila Golf and Country Club.

What had been a bloated industry was thinned out to just a few prune juice companies in the early 2000's.  PWPJ is one of the last family owned companies in this market.

"With the awareness that natural is better than the pill, we are looking for a smooth future," said Mr. Duncan.

Historians will note that there was quite a feud in the 1800's between the Duncan family and the Carter family.  Carter's Little Liver Pills  had gotten the attention of the doctors and their prescriptions were cutting into Duncan's juice sales.

They still don't acknowledge each other today.

More information and applications can be found on the company's website:  www.bmsforeveryone.com

A Pretty Quiet Holiday Season

Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe has released his report on the recent holiday period.

"All in all it was actually pretty quiet," said Trupe.

His statistical report that covers 12/22 - 1/1, revealed that there were:

- 3 lost buggy calls, all from Vernon DiMarco.

- 3 found buggy calls, all were DiMarco's. Upon further investigation Trupe determined that while Vernon was at the Corner Pub, pranksters would move his buggy. (editor's note: Vernon lost his privileges to drive a motorized vehicle in 1975.)

- One altercation at the Corner Pub. No arrests as the McGuire sisters were fighting over the kegerator repairman.  Francine had called "dibs", Maureen claims she didn't hear it. Vernon DiMarco confirmed Francine's story.

- 4 cars in a ditch all on separate nights.  All were the same car driven by MayBelle Markel who was in town for the holidays visiting her daughter and granddaughter. No citations issued.

- one call from a 6 year old girl because she "...didn't like her presents, she asked for two ponies and only got 1, she didn't get a backup cell phone, and was perturbed off because grandma took over her room for the week and drank wine..."

"I am thankful that the area was fairly peaceable and hope for the same all year," Rollie concluded while having breakfast with MayBelle Markel.

- 

Travel Club

The East-Central Ohio Travel Club has announced their 2026 schedule.

The theme this year is Pigs, Puffins and Purring.

"We have identified a number of interesting and exciting destinations for our club members," said Travel Club administrator Sue Murphy.

In May the club travels to Aoshima, Japan.

Also known as Neko no Shima, or Cat Island, this Japanese town is a popular tourist destination for cat lovers worldwide. A long time ago it was a former fishing town, cats were introduced to Aoshima as a means of controlling rodents.  But they quickly outnumbered the human population. It is estimated that there are around 36 cats for every human on Aoshima.

"Our trip to Cat Island is almost sold out," said Murphy. "There are a lot of feline fans around here."

Next, the club will travel to Pig Beach in the Bahamas. 

"This July trip is to a beach on the inhabited island of Big Major Cay. A tropical paradise and also home to an unexpected animal community. No one knows exactly where the pigs came from, but the swimming pigs are something to see," noted Sue. "Many retired farmers have expressed interest."

The final trip for the year will be in September to Runde Island, Norway.

Just off the coast of Norway, this island has a small human population—just a little more than 100 people—but they are greatly outnumbered by seabirds, which number between about 500,000 and 700,000. The island is considered a protected reserve and hosts many bird species, the most notable being the Atlantic puffin.

All reservations and payments must be made in person now at the Travel Club's office.  

"After someone hacked our website and made reservations that were vicious pranks, I had to go offline," said Sue.

Her office is sandwiched between Butch Marie's Leather & Lace Saddle Shop and Lingerie Boutique and Burford's Barber Shop.

Sue is in the office Mondays, Tuesdays, Fridays and half a day Saturdays.  She plays golf league the other days.

Today's The Day

With America's hit song playing in our heads, we here in the fresnOnion newsroom are happy to bring you today's news.

To many locals the month of February is one of the most exciting months of the year.

There's Groundhog Day, Valentine's Day, President's Day (which is a day off work) and today!  February 4th is National Soup Day.

And around these parts National Soup Day  is as popular as the Farm Foliage Tour because of the Soup Trail.

Many will load up their friends and drive the trail to stop and have a bowl of soup.  

The Soup Trail  includes Carrollton for a stop at Cooley's for chili, then to the village of Tuscarawas for stuffed green pepper soup.

A stop in Baltic at the Tie-Dyed Lotus will get you a big bowl of Chef Milton's famous Pozole.

By the time you get to Dresden you are ready for popular Longaberger Chicken and Noodle soup.  This is Dave's family recipe that he made for his workers when they were feeling a little under the weather.

A short drive back east to Fresno end's with Amy's beef stew.

Soup Trail organizer Lacy Schottenheimer reminds everyone that each stop will have a variety of crackers, but bring your own spoon.

A map of the Soup Trail can be found at: www.slurp.bib.

Smart

We've all heard of the 'smart phone', the 'smart watch', the 'smart car', why Samsung even has a 'smart refrigerator'.

But the dietetic, engineering, and computer grad students at Strasburg State University  have taken that 'smart refrigerator' to another level.

They have created an algorithm that takes into account one's eating habits, and creates each day's dinner.

When you get home in the afternoon, just open the door and there will be a tray of selected foods for you to prepare.  No longer will you have to stand at the fridge looking for something to cook.

After each meal, simply input your feedback:  keep it in rotation, how often, and suggested variables.

There is also a liquid dispenser of beer, wine or water. It is your responsibility to change the pony keg and the box of vino, the water is plumbed directly though.

A demonstration video, list of vendors, and testimonials can be found atwww.youarealazylout.snooze.

Fresno, Ohio

the hippest village east of Marfa, Texas

Unique Property

Every now and then a piece of property comes up for sale that is as much news as it is a real estate notice.

Just like the piece on an island at Buckeye Lake being for sale is news, so is this story.

When the glaciers started to recede after advancing into our region, they formed many rivers, lakes and valleys.

In the tri-county area of Holmes, Knox and Coshocton Counties there is a 1,000 acre secluded triangle that is bordered by deep valleys.  In fact the only access to the plateau is by helicopter.

When the county borders were being drawn this property was not assigned to any of the three, as it was deemed "worthless to any future purpose". 

The land is in Ohio, but not in any county.

In 1952 Mr. MacLean Stevens purchased and repaired a damaged Chinook helicopter.  He landed it on the only  meadow on the heavily wooded, but flat territory. 

Stevens spent the next 10 years flying in pieces for a saw mill and construction equipment.  Over the years his rudimentary log cabin turned into a log mansion.  

Stevens passed away last year and to settle the estate, the property known at the Ohio Department of Taxation as "Mac's Tract" is going to be auctioned to the highest bidder.

The next owner will get a 15,000 sq. foot lodge, a 5,000 sq. foot workshop. a saw mill, a 1952 Chinook helicopter and a 1946 Sikorsky R-6, for running errands.

The property also has a water well, and is solar powered these days.  There is a massive wind mill that also generates power that is leftover from the early days, but is a functioning backup. 

There is a humongous putting green and a 400 yard driving range with three target, but playable, greens for competition.

The online auction is at www.youcantaffordit.com

The Sweeney Report

Faithful readers of the fresnOnion will recall that Pete and Clete (who's put on some extra weight) Sweeney are in Arizona for spring training.

Each year the Sweeney's travel out to Goodyear Arizona to file reports on the Cleveland Indians, (oops) Guardians, progress in preparation for the upcoming season.

The men play a little golf, dine about town, catch up with old friends, and let us know what they observed recently on, and around, the diamond.

This is Pete's first email report:

Well the pitchers and catchers reported on Thursday.  There are a lot of new faces. One kid doesn't shave yet.

Everyone is still talking about  the Clase gambling scandal.

First game is next Saturday.

Clete and Cory Kluber taught an unsuspecting fan from Newcomerstown how to play the card game TEGWAR.  Poor chap lost $300.

Clete has signed a promotion contract with The Saddle Mountain Brewing Company.  He will wear their t-shirt and hand out discount appetizer cards.  Clete has agreed to host open mic story time every Thursday.  Part of the contract though was he must promise not to mention the Cy Buynak-Dave Garcia-Morganna "incident"., because there is no G-rated version.

Should have more next week.

Food News

An exciting new concept in comfort food dining has been created in our region and is taking the lower 48 by storm.

The Bread Basket  has moved into the abandoned Howard Johnson's out on the good county road at the top of the hill, near the National Highway bypass.

"We've all been eating out and the warm bread, butter and dipping sauces  are served," said local chef Mario LaLane. "by the time the entree comes, you are full."

LaLane has reimagined the whole experience around his homemade breads.

"I offer rye, pumpernickel, focaccia, baguette, multigrain, sourdough, ciabatta, and white breads to start," the chef said.

After you order the bread, which is your main entree, you can choose from the "sides menu" a la carte.

The Bread Basket  has been franchised and LaLane says early results have at least one opening in every state.

Our The Bread Basket, is open 24/7. The chef is still interviewing for the positions of bread maker and waitstaff.

Chef LaLane says that he just received his beer and wine permit too, but can only be ordered with a meal. 

"I don't want this turning into a honky tonk!" he groused.

Arrested, Again

One of our many alert readers over in the capital city, Sylvia (who lives with her mother), sent us a note about a former local who is in trouble with the law again.

Albert "Al" Forno was arrested and charged again with operating a vehicle while under the influence.

If you know Al, you know the substance.  It's not the liquid kind, or the pill, it's the smoke.

Forno was arrested on the 270 outerbelt while driving back from "darts night" to Johnstown on his1913 Case 30-60. 

Forno was the valedictorian of the 1981 class at The  Burger Rock Exempted School.  After a wasted year at OU, he transferred to The Ohio State University.  

While at OSU, Al got a part time job at Rockwell where he was employed for a few years.  But the stuff he kept putting in his pipe ended that career.

Forno has been arrested 49 times for the same crime:  that of being "baked" and driving something.

He's been arrested for being on the public thoroughfares in a car, a pick up truck, a dump truck, a riding lawn mower, a bicycle, a scooter, a motorized wheelchair, a combine and now his priceless vintage tractor.

His attorney, Al Dente, had no comment when contacted by the fresnOnion news desk only to say "he's never had an accident.  Allen always drives slowly and cautiously.  It's the too slow  that draws attention."

Ignorance Is No Excuse

A dozen black SUVs filled with government types wearing black coats and sunglasses swarmed the Town Center Gazebo yesterday at 2pm.

That was the site of the local SERTAF Club's new fundraiser.  They were selling Meerkats as pets, which is illegal.

"Meerkats are wild animals with complex social needs, require large, specialized enclosures, have demanding diets (eating their body weight in bugs daily), can become aggressive, are difficult to find veterinary care for, and are often illegal to own without specific permits, making them unsuitable for typical households. They thrive in large family groups, and keeping them alone or in small spaces leads to stress, destructive behavior, and potential self-harm," according to the Men in Black's official statement that was obviously prepared by AI.

Ward Robello, SERTAF  president,  was taken into custody.

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom have been trying to contact The Imports of Ernest who procured the Meerkats.  That phone number has been disconnected.

It's Catching On

A housing boom is taking place out in the far regions of our neighborhood.

Canned Heat sang about "goin' up country".

Three Dog Night sang about being "out in the country".

Even John Denver shared about how thankful he was to be a "country boy".

Well, out in the country, where there are not as many building codes, Ray and Rita Hayworthy are on to something.

"We are building affordable  housing," said Ray.

"These homes might not have all of the luxuries, but you can afford the bank loans," noted Rita.

The Hayworthys were inspired by the very popular and famous Jack Preston Wood, 

"We saw one of their tall skinny homes and thought that might work with our idea," Ray offered.

A Hayworthy Home is 3 stories high. There is no electricity, no running water, the heat comes from a huge wood burner in the middle of the first floor with open grates in the middle of the second and third floor.

A Hayworthy Home is not painted, has a metal roof, and one window facing south on the second and third floor.

A Hayworthy Home features an outhouse, a water pump and no landscaping.

A Hayworthy Home layout has the garage, wood burner, storage, and bathtub on the ground floor.

The second floor is for living and dining, with one bedroom.

The third floor is open and can be divided into bedrooms as needed.

The first Hayworthy Home sold the day the 'for sale' sign was posted.

There are contracts signed for another 90 to be built before June.

For more information on the affordable Hayworthy Home you can stop out and see Rita, or go to www.littlecheaphouses.frugl

Fine Dining

The Tri-Village Supper Club  monthly rotating evening of nosh will take place tonight at the Pearl Valley Cafeteria.

Whatta Guys Fries (and burgers) will cater with the promise that their famous "fixins bar" will be fully stocked.

"We've been trying to get these people to cater for us for years now and they finally relented," said an excited Serena Stotlemyre, event and menu coordinator for the club.

Each diner will be served a generous portion of fresh cut sea salt fries with a side order of burger sliders prepared by Bud "greasy" Gallagher.

Before sitting down the members will visit the "fixins bar" to load their fries.  Choices include chopped scallions, bacon, brown gravy, sausage gravy, pork gravy, giblet gravy, red gravy, peppers and baked beans.  There are over 50 toppings to choose from, and that does include the various cheeses.

Locals will recall that Gallagher was the kitchen manager, and french fry guru, at the recently shuttered Close Inn.

"The secret to my fries is the oil," noted Greasy.  "And don't ask, cause I won't tell."

The Tri-Village Supper Club  moves from Fresno to Chili to Pearl each month.  They will be accepting one new couple in January because Wilson and Virgina Dalton moved to Brunersburg, Ohio. 

Applications for club membership and other information can be found at: www.weluvtomunch.burp

Another, Amongst Us

The International Doppelganger Society has named a local coach as the most recent "Look-a-Like" award winner.

Famed summer little league coach Bernie Laughlin is a spot on doppelganger for the late Bernard Malamud says 'The Society'.

Malamud is most famous for writing The Natural.

Laughlin is most famous for having coached Pete and Clete Sweeney back in the day.  Their team advanced to the state finals.

When informed of the award, Laughlin said "I guess that's cool."  

He will be flown to Vancouver and driven to Whistler, British Columbia and will stay in the Fairmont Chateau Whistler.

PPD.

The monthly Making Life Better  lecture series that was slated for Sunday Night has been postponed until a later date.

"It's lookin' like we're gettin' a ton of snow on Sunday," said lecture coordinator Betsy Beanler. "So we're gonna urge everyone to stay home and we'll reschedule Earl at a later date."

Earl Pitts was the scheduled speaker and the event has been sold out for the past year.

"I was so excited to see Mr. Pitts in person," said longtime patron Robbie Shenkel.  "The things that makes him sick are the same things I say!" declared Shenkel.

Beanler urged everyone to hold onto their tickets as they will be used when a new date has been set.  

"We're just cuttin' costs a bit, what with all the tariffs and all," said Beanler.

The next lecture in March will be: Fiber! Watch Out!!

"Coulda' been worse...."

Rarely do we here in the fresnOnion newsroom condone using a quote as the headline, but these are different times.

A couple of days ago a six foot diameter, 7 ton meteorite disrupted our lives.

Our esteemed friends at WKYC are also reporting about the fragment hunters. There is money to be made.

But what caught our attention are those words: It coulda' been worse.

Those came from the Meteorite Studies Department at Strasburg State University's  chairman Haygood "Rocky" Perriwinkle.

Our senior Space Phenomena reporter sat down with Dr. Perriwinkle, "DocRoc" as he is known on campus, for an explanation of his term "worse".

He referred us to a story at dictionaryscoop.com:

   In 1908, a massive explosion flattened over 80 million trees in the remote Tunguska region of Siberia. 

   The cause? A mysterious airburst, likely caused by the explosion of a meteoroid or comet in Earth's atmosphere. It is now estimated that the event had an explosive energy of 3 to 5 megatons, equivalent to over a thousand Hiroshima bombs. The resulting shockwave broke windows, and knocked people down hundreds of miles away, reaching an equivalent of an earthquake of 5.0 on the Richter scale in some areas.

   A bright glow was observed in night skies in Asia and Europe for days after the event due to high-altitude ice particles that formed as a result of the explosion. For all its magnitude, the explosion left no visible crater and minimal debris beside the devastated forest. 

"That's why I always say that the deep dark space is a danger," concluded Dr. Perriwinkle

Over Soon!

You can keep your Punxatawney Phil, your Buckeye Chuck, your Defiance Dan or your Parma Pete.  

We have Fresno Freddie.  And he has a 90% win rate.  And his forecast is just for the east central Ohio region.

If accuracy is of interest, our colleagues over at CBS have a story about the Pennsylvania marmot.

This morning, while the others were seeing their shadows,Fresno Freddie emerged to overcast skies and nary a shadow cast.

WINTER WILL END SOON!

Get out the golf clubs, change your spikes and refill the shag bag. This nightmare of a winter is just about over.

Long live Fresno Freddie.

In case you weren't up and missed the live broadcast on local cable channel 80 FZNO, you can watch the replay on FZNO+ the overpriced streaming app.  You'll have to search for Fresno Freddie as the front page of the app is cluttered with "suggestions for you", like The Courtship of Eddie's Father, The Flying Nun, My Mother The Car, Family Affair and Mr. Ed. 

An Anthem For The Current Times

The recent sub-zero temperatures that we have experienced recently to close out January reminds us of Lowell and his keen observation: cold, cold, cold.

A Surreal Sight

A raft of otters, a rafter of turkeys, a pride of lions, a murder of crows, a clowder of cats.....you get the idea.

Anybody want to hazard a guess of what we call a lot of Dick Nixons in the room?

Everyone here in the fresnOnion newsroom debated that very question.  We want to keep our "G" rating, so we decided on: a nancy of nixons.

You will recall that yesterday was "I Am Not A Crook" day for the Fresno 5th Grade Ethics Class, taught by Ms. Moyer. Everyone wore Nixon masks.

We promised to report on the three essay winners.

Out of the 32 students, 16 were disqualified for reference to current affairs, ten were eliminated because they couldn't picture themselves as crooks, and three weren't allowed to participate because their parents objected.

The three default essay winners who finished the sentence "I am not a crook, but if I were....."  were: 

Jody Harmsparger.  "......I would steal from the haves and give to the have nots."

Bernie Lee Gadly.  "....I would have better golf scores."

Elrod Hennessey.  ".....I would never get caught."

We are wearing Ray-Bans  today because our future is bright.

Wait, What ?

One of our most senior interns here at the fresnOnion was researching a local issue when she made some startling discoveries.

There are "crazy, stupid and hilarious" laws still on the books.  Not only here but nationwide.

For instance, did you know that in:

California: It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license, and you cannot whistle for a lost canary before 7 a.m.
Florida: Women can be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer.
Georgia: Fried chicken must be eaten with your hands.
Illinois: It is illegal to give a lighted cigar to a pet.
Indiana: Whispering in someone's ear while fishing is forbidden.
Missouri: X-ray machines in shoe stores are outlawed.
Rhode Island: Throwing pickle juice on trolleys is illegal.
South Carolina: Tattoos are technically illegal.
Tennessee: It is illegal to carry a skunk into the state.
Vermont: Residents are required by law to bathe every Saturday. 
Arizona: Donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs.

It was the Arizona law that has got the concern of locals because, Marvin Gardenhire (the most gullible man alive), the ward representative on towne council, heard that and thinks we should adopt it here.

"I think it is an outstanding proposition," said Marvin. "Just think how perturbed you'd be, if at bath time you found a donkey, mule or burro in your tub?!? -- and I don't care if it is a jenny or a jack.  We just can't tolerate that here." 

Our intern noted privately that she sure hopes Mr. Gardenhire doesn't hear about the law in Kansas that states you are not allowed to shoot rabbits from a motorboat.

"I wonder what was going on at the time those laws had to be written, debated and voted on," mused our astute intern.

We're On It

Whenever a rumor has some plausibility, we assign an intern to track it down.

Well this rumor has two interns, our junior assistant real estate reporter, and our senior tourism editor all scrambling.

Channel 12 in Cincinnati has reported that a developer from Kentucky has purchased a dozen former Frisch's Big Boy locations.  

While the story didn't indicate his plans for the properties, we are tracking down a story that came to us yesterday morning.

Many around town have been wondering what is going on out at the massive hay field at the intersection of the good county road and the US Hi-way.

There have been orange flagged stakes in the ground for a year now.  Somebody said that somebody heard some rich guy is putting up a Frisch's Big Boy museum.  

The Kentucky developer is Lee Greer and some say he bought the 12 locations just for the Big Boy statues and vintage signs.  

A neighbor of his cousin says that Mr. Greer has collected signs, hats, menus, pictures and has a massive amount of memorabilia.  

Mr. Greer attributes his business success to his favorite job growing up, that of waiting tables at the neighborhood Frisch's.

Watch this space.

First Contact

A few days ago we reported to you that Pete and Clete, who has put on a little holiday weight, Sweeney had headed out for Arizona.

Each year the boys spend the month of February watching the Indians - oops Guardians, in spring training.

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom finally got an email from Pete:

Clete and I got to Kansas City the night before last.  Will try to get a better patch on the tire.

The team's convoy of equipment trucks passed us outside of Kingdom City as we were pumping up the tire alongside I 70. They did honk and wave, but didn't stop.

We will stay a couple of days in KC.  Clete wants BBQ.  I will try to catch up with Maxine.  She's an old girlfriend that chose her 18, give or take, mini dachshunds over me.

Will file next report from Hugoton.  We have reservations at the Best Western, Clete is always a hit on open mic night at Bonnie & Clydes Sports Bar, and tee times at Forewinds.

Troublesome for Some

Today is Friday, the 13th day of February.

For some Friday is a problem, you never start a project on a Friday.

For others the number thirteen is frightening. (triskaidekaphobia)

Together they create paraskevidekatriaphobia.

And our friends in the NBC studios of the Bay Area have a report for your consideration.

FresnOnion's Senior Phobia reporter, Peter Prevos, has a good read on all of this.

So if today's a problem for you, take a long nap and we'll see you on Saturday.

Otherwise, celebrate today! It's National Cheddar Day and National Tortellini Day.

To celebrate, a big bowl of melted cheddar drizzled on tortellini is just $3 today at Dirty Sal's Pizza Pie and Pasta Emporium.

Also, Madeline' Spa has Cheddar Facials & Baths available. Appointments a must.

Sensitive

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom aren't sure how to report the following story that was brought to our attention by the good people at National Public Radio.

The question is: how do you feed the predators at the zoo?

In Denmark they asked for your pets.

This sparked a sensitive debate on many levels.

"Yes we had the same issues here," said Harpo Nedle, the Head Zookeeper at The Conesville International Zoo.

"We discontinued accepting donations as too many locals reported their pets as missing," Harpo noted.

The story did spark quite the discussion here in the newsroom amongst employees and interns as we wondered why "Harpo" never really caught on as a popular first name.

One additional note:  Today is Harpo Marx' birthday.

Gift Idea

Pete and Clete (who's put on some additional weight) Sweeney have signed on to be local ambassadors for a worthy charity.

"Yes, it's true we are spokes guys for the Gifts for Guys charity," said Pete.

Gifts for Guys  raises money to fulfill the wishes of local men over 40.

"So what we are selling this holiday season is a punch card to the many Ohio amusement parks," Clete explained.

"The other's fell in line once we inked the popular Idora Park in Youngstown.  Everyone wants to ride the Wildcat!" Pete said excitedly.

The other amusement parks include Geauga Lake, Chippewa Lake, Coney Island, LeSourdsville Lake, Luna Park, Indianola Park and Euclid Park.

The Gifts for Guys  punch cards sell for $400.55.  If you present a card that has all eight destinations being visited, you will receive 5% off next year's card.

See the Sweeney's or pick up a flyer anywhere cheese is sold.

Online purchases can be made at: www.giftsforguys.oof

Truck Stop News

Lonny Manziel has announced some news about his truck stop out at the intersection of the good county road and the old state route.

"We are going to remain open 24 hours a day through the holiday season," said Lonny.  "I know we're always open all the time, but there had been some rumors that I was going to give some people time off for all the various celebrations going on, so I just wanted to get out front of that topic."

Manziel also said that the diner has a new fry cook.  Willard Starcherly has been recruited from the big truck stop just east of Columbus.

"What I like about ole Willard is that he cooks with lard," said Manziel.  "His pie crusts, his fried taters, and extra crispy smashburgers all taste a little better."

Manziel went on to note that the gift shop is fully stocked for the gift giving needs of his patrons and all shower stalls have been re-tiled.

Manziel then stressed that only half of the big screen tvs would be tuned to the sports stations.

"Yea, we're trying to be a little more 'correct' and appease some pushy customers that want to watch the fixer-upper channel," he grimly acknowledged.

One important note:  we here at the fresnOnion newsroom were concerned about the famous pot roast, french fries and gravy plate being continued, and ole Willard promised there would be no changes there.

Whew......

S.S.U.

Opening Night

After a year of writing, re-writing, prop failures, re-casting and rehearsals, the much anticipated Hindenburg - the Musical will hit the boards tonight at 8pm.

Gideon Marconi is the director and admitted it has been a long slog to get to tonight.

"Yes, quite a long ordeal, but the cast is more than ready," said Marconi. "We had to re-cast the female lead because she had an inappropriate relationship with a person in charge of make-up,  our piano player took a gig on a cruise line, and the young man who volunteered to pull the curtains got grounded." 

The plot of Hindenburg - the Musical, will take you through the year of 1936 to the fateful day in New Jersey, May 6th, 1937.

In 1936 the Hindenburg had completed a successful round trip from Frankfurt to Rio de Janeiro.

"That trip to Rio is the 'feel-good' part of our story," noted the director.

Those who attend will hear soon to be classics that some say will rival other hit musicals like Oklahoma, Chicago, West Side Story and The Lion King.

Marconi says songs like: So That is Rio  (an original), Strange Weather (the Glen Frey hit that was adapted for musical theater) and another original, Humanity, will leave you wanting to buy the soundtrack.

Hindenburg - the Musical will run for three weekends at the Baird Theatre on the east end of town.  Overflow parking at the feed mill.

Just as "Red, White and Blaine" thought it would be nominated, Gideon Marconi feels his production is also worthy of "a little gold statue."

SCAM

At last evening's town council, local Constable Rollie F. Trupe reported to everyone about a current scam.

"I want everyone to be on high alert," said the Constable.

"We are all aware of pyramid schemes, insurance policies that are too good to be true, investment opportunities, and the such," continued Trupe, "but this one seems to be catching hold."

Trupe says that his great aunt Lucy recently purchased some Confederate Bitcoin from a gentleman on the phone.

According to Lucy the guy "sounded handsome and smart". 

She gave him her bank account number so he could "do all of the necessary and proper legal transactions".

"He kept using the word 'proper' so I trusted him," said the elderly lady. "I guess the Amish Bitcoin was also a fib..."

Trupe said he has opened an investigation into the matter, but wanted to stress that so far his inquiry has turned up no such legitimate cryptocurrency known as "Confederate Bitcoin". 

Aunt Lucy, by the way, is now penniless.  Town Council voted to open a gofundme  account.

After School

There is a segment of our population that believes that extra-curricular activities are nonsense.

We here in the newsroom of the fresnOnion do NOT subscribe to that way of thinking.

We strongly encourage every child to find his place doing something after school.

Some play sports, some take up a musical instrument, some are in 4-H or scouting.

Then there are those like us who are 'nerds'.  

The Fresno Elementary School CleverKids  is  a club for the young ones who get straight A's in computers, math, science and robotics.

And again today they will be throwing a birthday party for Simon Helberg who is turning 45.  

And, as usual, there will be speeches given and awards handed out to the best impressions of Howard Wolowitz.

He still has not RSVP'd. In fact he has never attended, even though he's been invited ever since 2007.  He did try to come in 2008, but took a wrong turn on the good county road.

Pictures and more information on the CleverKids can be found on their website: www.youwillworkforussomeday.bbt

Biz News

A much needed service has come to our region.

Sr. Fillmore Millard has relocated to our county and with him comes a unique ability of fletching.

"Fillmore is one of the world's finest fletchers," says the Grand Maker of the Worshipful Company of Fletchers, Horace Grant.

Sr. Millard has been commended for correctly using male and female feathers only, no plastic. He has achieved the status, recognition and position of Senior.

His arrows and darts are aerodynamically stabilized far beyond industry standards, according to Grant. "I've never heard of his work being under-fletched or over-fletched. Never."

Now that archery season is over, but the Bow Club Arrows & Darts League season is about to start in May, it is a good time to visit his shop. 

​But, be warned, it might take some time to understand his thick cockney accent. Sr. Millard relocated here from East London where he was choir director at St. Mary-le-Bow Church on Cheapside.

​"I moved here because I met a girl on the internet," admitted the famous fletcher.

You'll find Fillmore's Fletching in the refurbished quonset hut at the abandoned airstrip, over the hill from Zimmerman's Dairy.

If you throw darts, he promises a week turnaround.

Sr. Millard says he's open if the "open" sign is in the window.

Making A Buck

The service industry is constantly changing.

And in keeping with the times, a young man known to many as a hard working money maker is offering a new service to those in his neighborhood.

Elron McKisstry has been mowing lawns, raking leaves, shoveling snow and cleaning our gutters and spouting for ten years.

Now the 20 year old has offered something new.

We are all familiar with Door Dash.  You call in your food order and have someone pick it up and deliver it to your front door.

Well Elron has created Kitchen Dash. You just text him that you want something from your refrigerator or pantry and he will come to your house and deliver it to you on the couch.

"I can only do this in a 3 block radius from my house," said Elron.  "But if the word gets out, I might be able to franchise this thing."

The young entrepreneur says he got started in this whole Kitchen Dash  thing when his neighbor, Junior Harbaugh, hollered through the open window for Elron to "fetch him a beer".

For those who live in the new Kitchen Dash area, McKisstry charges $1.50 per trip and takes PayPal  or cash.

It Was Him

If you thought you saw the silver haired guy from NBC walking the streets of Baltic recently, you saw correctly.

Keith Morrison, considered the "granddaddy of true crime", has been in the region regularly investigating a reoccurring crime that dates back 20 years for Dateline.

We tracked him down at The Tie-Dyed Lotus Resort and questioned him whilst he was trying to eat breakfast.

"I can confirm that Lester (Holt) and I are investigating the unsolved mystery of the missing buggies," said Morrison.

2026 marks the twentieth anniversary of the first "missing buggy" report.

Every year since 2006, local constable Rollie F. Trupe has reported that two buggies a year have come up missing.  Missing from restaurant parking lots, church lots, or market lots.

"Lester will be here next month for a week.  Then I will return in March.  We're going to slow roll this and get it right," promised Morrison.

"Besides, we just love staying here at 'The Tie-Dyed' and really don't want to check out," admitted the veteran newsman.

On The Road

When you read the headline, you probably thought about Willie, Kerouac or Steve Hartman.

But in this instance, we here in the fresnOnion newsroom think of Pete and Clete (who's put on a little weight).

The Sweeney boys are on the road driving from Goodyear Arizona to Seattle for the Indians - oops Guardians, season opener on Thursday.

Clete called in to ask for more money to be deposited into their expense account debit card.

He did say they made it to Baker City (Oregon) in about 14 hours.  They will drive the rest of the way on Wednesday.

"We stay at the Geiser Grand Hotel each time we are close," said Clete.  "They put us in the Parlour Suite and we eat every meal in their restaurant."

While auditing their expense account we noted they like the Rack of Lamb, the Prime Rib and for breakfast:  "corned beef hash & eggs: marinated in Porter, smoked in-house, then grilled to order".

Pete noted that the '75 Pinto wagon is at Grumpy's Repair to be serviced.

Pete also thinks our roster is strong and can't wait to see the youngsters "play for their financial future" - as Paul Brown used to say.

1st Season Drops

We're not sure if you know this or not, but when you come across a good story, sometimes it's difficult to decide on just where to start.

Sometimes a writer will start with the ending and then go back and tell you the backstory.  We won't do that. So we will start at the beginning:  the wedding.

Local Cable Channel 80, FZNO's camera "people" moonlight as wedding videographers.  Thus was the case of the Biondo-Petrie  wedding. The camera "people" recognized that something special could come of this union.

You see, Maryann Biondo is a descendent of Flavio Biondo and Martin Petrie is from the William Flinders Petrie bloodline. She a newbie antiquarian and he a rookie archeologist.

Just as the Tedeschi Trucks, Johansson Jost and Mullally Offerman couples were universe pleasing simpatico, so is Biondo Petrie.

Shortly after marriage they formed the American Atticology Company.  And Local Cable Channel 80 FZNO followed them for the past two years documenting their ventures into local attics in search of history.  

"We just...", "love to plunder," they said, finishing each other's sentence.  They do that a lot.  It was annoying to the video editors.

Now the entire 24 episode season has been dropped and will air each Saturday night exclusively on FZNO+ the premium, extra expense streaming app.  

You can also buy the first season on DVD or VHS at a Blockbuster  near you for $499.99.

Packed House

It seems everyone was in attendance last night at the emergency meeting of town council.

Councilmember Iona May Smartzentoober formed the self appointed committee to investigate an allegation that longtime Constable Rollie F. Trupe was in the Epstein Files.

Smartzentoober is one of the ladies of the church that staffs local events.  She said she overheard some talk about Trupe's "4-day weekend" back in 2006.

Trupe admitted that he took vacation days on Friday and Monday and went to "points south".  He has never said why.

Iona May, and her committee of one, started to dig for the facts on why a 70 year old man at the time might be linked to Jeffery Epstein.

"Upon further inquiry I have determined that Constable Trupe is fully exonerated of the salacious rumours of having any ties to Epstein," said Councilmember Smartzentoober.

When asked to explain, Trupe stood before the throngs and admitted that he played in a Member-Guest golf tournament at Stonybrook East GC  in Orlando.

"My handicapped was a little inflated and we won by 18 strokes," said a sheepish Trupe who netted 59 both days.

The winner's plaque in the men's locker room has an asterisk by his name.

Finally

Local Dentist Dr. Mario Johannsen has just been licensed, certified and approved to administer all the numbing agents needed for dental work.

"It was a tough and long process", said the elderly doctor.

Up until this week, his patients had to endure the "minor discomfort" associated with drilling for cavities and pulling teeth.

"I do thank them for their tolerance over the years," noted Dr. Johannsen.

His press release indicated that he is now proficient in all the 'caines'.

Along with the popular novocaine or benzocaine gel, lidocaine,  articaine, mepivacaine, or bupivacaine are also options.

Along with the press release, the good doctor said he put a notice in the church bulletin.

More Town Council News

Additional news coming out of Monday's town council news was buried in local Constable Rollie F. Trupe's report.

He spent a lot of time on the Confederate Bitcoin scam, but at the end of his report he also reminded council members that Wednesday was 311 day.

He said it with such disdain while rolling his eyes, that our astute intern covering the meeting took notice.  She thought it warranted a follow-up.

Yesterday in a one on one interview with the Constable, he shared  with her the reason for his, and council member's, dread of March 11th.

The National 3-1-1 Day  was conceived to remind citizens everywhere that they can dial 3-1-1 to express their concerns about issues pertaining to local governments responsibilities.

"In the big city they get calls about vulgar graffiti, sink holes, code violations, abandoned cars on the side of the road, that kind of stuff," said Rollie.

"Here I get calls about a dead deer, Mrs. Roosevelt's ugly fence- every year!, Olinger's overhanging tree limb that block's Henneman's combine, Mr. Murphy's 250 cats. I just hate this day."

Four council members, who will not be named here, confided that they will have "dead batteries" in their phone.  Two promised to be picnicking in a "cell free" zone.  Bobby Joseph is new to council, said his phone will be on.  

"Can it be that bad?" he said.

Council News

An emergency meeting of town council was called last night for the purpose of discussing personnel.

Once it was determined that there was a quorum, the council went into executive session to discuss the matter at hand.

After an hour and 8 minutes, the council reconvened and announced that the town's Gardner, Ava, was not retiring as had been rumored, but will be going on maternity leave.

Ava the Gardner has been responsible for all the flowers, trees, and mowing of the publicly owned land around town for eleven years.

She is in charge of the summer student help as well.

"We will begin an intense search for her temporary replacement," said WillieBob Creechbaum, Council President.

"I am just gonna rest and travel a bit with the band," said Ava.  The band she is referring to is Blackberry Smoke.  Her husband, Tinker Gossage,  is an assistant roadie for the group.

This is Ava's first maternity leave, but second time she has asked for time off.  She accompanied her husband and the band back in '21 when 'Smoke  played Denmark, Sweden, Austria, Spain, Italy, Germany, Belgium, France, Ireland and the UK.

"That was a fantastic trip," said Ava. "I sold tons of tee shirts too." 

Applications are being accepted at town hall for Ava's position of Gardner.  It pays $97 per hour.

They've Reconciled

One of the oddest relationships we here in the fresnOnion newsroom have observed over the years has another chapter.

Longtime couple Irene Musselwaite and Phillipe MacMurray have lived together for forty years.

But it was sometime during their second year that a "business disagreement" caused a divide.

Irene is an accomplished and renowned ladies shoemaker.

Phillipe is a cobbler.

They used to share the same space in the strip center out on the good county road.

They drove to work together, they had lunch together and watched the same daytime soaps while working.

Irene watched both shops while Phillipe golfed in the Wednesday Men's League.  Phillipe greeted customers for Irene when she played canasta on Thursday's.  All was serene.

But one day a customer brought in a shoe that needed the sole repaired.  Irene overheard Phillipe mutter something about her lack of expertise on mixing 2-part epoxy.

Irene moved her shop to the end of the strip.

For the last 38 years they have driven to work separately. However, they lived harmoniously.

"We never took our work home," claimed Irene.

But with Kohl's closing for good and the price of gasoline what it is, the two have decided to consolidate their shops into the big space that is now vacant.

Phillipe says they will have separate televisions though.  He watches Green Acres  reruns all day, while Irene watches The Secret Lives of Peoli Wives  on cable channel 80 FZNO.

A Gift Idea

The local SERTFAF (Service To Family And Friends) Club has announced their latest fundraising effort.

"We have purchased a boatload of Meerkats for holiday gifting," said SERTFAF President Ward Robello.

"One of our members saw a PBS documentary on these little fellas and thought they would make a super pet," said Robello.

"So he contacted his cousin who owns Imports of Ernest  and set the whole thing up.  We got a 'buy in bulk' and 'family' and 'cash' discount too," noted Ward. "So we should expect a nice profit."

The SERTFAF Club members will be on hand today from noon - 4 at the town center gazebo to sell the Meerkats.

"We just got'em yesterday and need to sell'em today", declared Robello.

If you are shopping today instead of watching the Browns get beat, consider getting a Meerkat for the cousins you don't like.

Tough News

Sometimes the business of reporting difficult, unnerving, awful news makes us question our purpose in life.

Sometimes, we here in the newsroom of the fresnOnion think that ignorance might just be bliss.

But we report all the news. So with that resolve we are obligated to tell you about a 20 year old study that came out last month in the New York Post.

Kingston University  in London now tells us that we shouldn't make our beds when we wake up. 

Researchers determined that  "Leaving the bed unmade allows trapped moisture from sleep to evaporate, creating dry, unfavorable conditions that dehydrate and reduce dust mites." 

When you make your bed immediately, you trap the damp sheets under the bedspread.

This story came to our attention because one of the secretaries in accounting lives next to the Doubleday family halfway out the bad township road.

Abby and Dirk's seven children haven't made their bed in six weeks.

Garwood, the eldest child, says "I wish I'd known about this years ago.   Mom teaches us to make our beds at age six.  I'm 16.....that's ten years of incubating dust mites!"

Pet Store Booming

All it took was one well placed article on the interweb to boost sales at Jackie Lamb's pet store.

Lamb's Weird and Strange PetWorld, over in Isleta, has always featured the odd creatures that God created.

"But, I tell you after Christian Dreru ,who writes for A-Z Animals website, came in and then wrote about the pets, our sales have skyrocketed," said an appreciative Lamb.

Lamb went on to share with us here at the fresnOnion that a new shipment just came in, and her inventory now includes:

4 Hydra

4 Hispaniolan Solenodon

10 Nine-Banded Armadillos

6 Hyrax

11 Pink Fairy Armadillo

"And we were able to procure one Honey Badger!" said an excited Jackie. "OF course there's special vetting and paperwork for this one."

These oddities are just a small sampling of what you will find at the Isleta store.  Lamb also has the usual slow horses, fat dogs, assorted cats, gerbils, fish, and de-scented skunks for gift giving.

Lamb's Weird and Strange PetWorld is open by appointment only because she has four active children.  

Friends and relatives refer to Jackie's children as "little lambs", of course Mary is the oldest.

Community Support

You will recall that just last week we reported to you that Horton "Cleek" McCray has been accepted to compete in the Norwegian Sea Tour.

Cleek will be heading out in late May for the first event in Greenland.

After the exciting news broke, a series of fundraisers was set to help the young man with his expenses.

This Friday night the Grange will hold a jitney supper with the proceeds being deposited in a fund at the bank.

TheLast Third Bank of Fresno  has a "Dollars For Cleek" account for individual contributions as well.

Then on April 2nd, the Grange will hold an auction of donated items.  All that is asked is that you don't donate worthless junk.

"We had one last year for the Mowry Boys and people donated things like cars with blown engines, broken record collections, board games with missing pieces, just real junk," said Grange Auction Chairman Willie Mankin.

Then at the end of April sometime, local musicians Zeke 'N Eddy promise they will get a drummer and hold a dance.  That date TBD.

Cleek has also asked that all local golfers clean out their bag and donate their lightly scuffed balls.  He said he prefers Molitors.

The Upside

Regular readers of the fresnOnion will recall that an intern was intrigued by a clickbait headline that resulted in our entire computer network being forced into shutdown.

So one of the upsides of our brand new computer network is a function called Digital Rolodex.

All newsrooms have "contact" lists that are used as resources for their stories.

We had three massive rolodexes for that purpose.  One was an alphabetic collection of contacts,  the other was by topic while the third was by profession.

With the new Digital Rolodex, each card was scanned into the system and all cards are now one click away.

Guess what the interns have been doing this week?  I had to buy them pizza to keep them happy.

BTW, I kept the old rolodexes on my desk....

Shocking, Just Shocking

That was the only headline that could be used for the news that we here in the fresnOnion newsroom learned last night.

In an emergency meeting of the Lake Lila Golf and Country Club  board of directors, the newly hired Head Professional Herman Kaiser IV was relieved of duties.

Kaiser's name has come up multiple times in the Epstein files, and even though he said it was because of numerous requests to give golf lessons, which he refused, he was fired.

General Manager Rober Suenesia then recommended to the board that they hire Franklin "Tito" Fuentes. The Board unanimously agreed.

Fuentes, the long time assistant apprentice at the storied Three Jack National Golf Clubbegins his stint this morning.

Fuentes is known for being a stickler with regard to handicaps.  He does not permit a round with the wife on Sunday afternoon to be posted on the handicap sheet.

The old pro says he will permit metal spikes, will insist that each player in the men's association use a persimmon driver once a month, there will be no 'gimmes', the lady members' tee times will be bumped up from 4pm to 3:30, and all shop credit will expire after 2 weeks.

Tito did say he was looking forward to working closely with Paige Spiranac and her junior golf program.

Kaiser dropped a lot of "golf words" when contacted for a comment. The only words that we can print were "I" and "kiss".

Fuentes will continue to be sponsored by Kroydon. 

Up, Down, Right or Just Right?

The headline asks a very important question these days.

When it comes to the most important emotional issue of: your possessions....what is enough?

It has come to our attention here in the fresnOnion newsroom that there are businesses out there who will help some folks "downsize" their situation.

Downsizing Specialists, LLC out of Kensington, Maryland might be the world leaders in such efforts. Their 5.0 Google review confirms that.

"We help families who want to bring some order to their lifelong accumulations. We find our services are most beneficial in helping grown children deal with their parent’s accumulations ..." according to their website, 

But for every action there is a reaction.

"There are some of us who work vigorously, every day at 'upsizing' our stuff," said one local, anonymous collector who we caught up with as he was stopped to pick up a bucket on the interstate.

"I always have my eyes open to pick that additional piece for my collections," he noted.  "And there is a cavernous difference between valuable  andjunk!"

And then there is Mrs. Wiggins, who lives in that cute little craftsman house out on the good county road.

"I only collect buttons," she said.  "And my collection is just about right. I find so much joy when I am leaving the club and look down to find a button."

We'll end with a valuable life lesson:  You just never know when you might need a 3 foot piece of angle iron.

Retired

Howard "Doc" Brownbrooke has called it a career.

"I haven't seen a patient yet this year, so I guess I'll just take down the shingle," said Doc.

Brownbrooke, while not an accredited doctor, has treated locals for over 80 years.

He is most notably  known for being a "toad doctor".

Ever since the 1600s medical researchers and doctors believed that toads had healing properties.

Doc  used dried powdered toads to soothe inflammation and relieve headaches and skin conditions.

When asked to reflect on the past as well as future plans, Doc said, "well I started when I was fifteen and I just turned 95.  It's becoming  harder and harder to get a Canadian Toad because of tariffs, so I guess I'll take up golf."

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom applaud Doc's service to mankind and hope he's not in the foursome in front of us.

More On JR

John Roy (JR) Waltersham, who says he is running for something in "warshingtun", was the guest last night down at the local club.

He gave a rousing campaign speech just before counting down to the new year.

In the spirit of fair reporting, it should be noted that he lost count between six and 7.

Just before 2026 arrived JR said that if elected, he would:

- investigate why gas can be 40 cents different between here and Canton.

- investigate why "My Name Is Earl" was cancelled.

- investigate that "holding" call on the Browns in Arizona back on December 15, 2019.

- and, investigate why JIM BEAM  is closing for a year.

When he finished, JR did some shots with club members and then started the countdown.

Happy New Year from the staff and management of the fresnOnion. Of all the years we have anticipated, 2026 is one of them.

I.C.Y.M.

That means in case ya missedit.

Last year we were mesmerized by the live stream of the deep ocean thanks to our friends at The Schmidt Ocean Institute.

Many of you, including some lazy interns here in the fresnOnion newsroom, did not witness the amazing deep sea creatures that were revealed.

Well after some extensive research, and an email from our revered correspondent at CNN - Ashley Strickland Ko, we can now share that video with you.

Click here (if you haven't been taught about hypertext)

And the rest of the story is you can now purchase some of those creatures as the research team has a fundraiser ongoing at: www.gotcha.noob

Local Politics

The last town council meeting of the year ended last evening with the promise of exciting meetings to come.

Councilmember Freida Beck recently returned from a holiday in Sweden.  While there she learned of "Fredagsmys." 

Loosely translated Fredagsmys means "Cozy Friday."

"Instead of ending the work week with a busy after-hours event or rushing home to get ready for a party, I propose we just stay home," explained Freida.

She was so impressed with how it promoted better mental health in Sweden, Beck introduced legislation to make Fredagsmys mandatory.

That means no parties, all businesses close at 5pm and everyone must stay in.

The ordinance was given a first reading, meaning that when town council reconvenes in January, there will be two more times for residents to weigh in.

Local Constable Rollie F. Trupe said it would make his job easier.

Tonight!

Another unscheduled, pop-up Hootenanny will take place this evening at the Miller's Dip Grange Hall.

The Scurrilous Truth  will entertain the lucky who attend.

"What happened was their road manager called me, we're cousins right, and said they will be driving through on their way to St. Louis,"  grange hall custodian and manager Peter DeLoria on explaining our good fortune.

"The boys are scheduled to play Stifel Theater tomorrow night and want to fine tune some new songs," DeLoria continued.

The Scurrilous Truth  are this generation's J. Geils Band and bring an energy to the stage not witnessed since the times of the great wooba gooba.

Another interesting note is that the ladies of the church will be debuting three new beers from their microbrewery.

Those who drink will be able to sample the 'Holidale', the 'Lewisville Lager' and 'Bettys Bellywash'.  Of course the ladies will offer the always popular 'Fresno Shandy'.

Doors open at 6 with the curtains going up at 7:30.  Autographs, selfies and record album signings will take place before and after.

DeLoria did want us to remind everyone of the dress code: either flannel or work shirts, jeans or corduroy are suggested.  Footwear choice is optional but mandatory.

Spring Training Report

The Indians -oops, Guardians didn't play a  game yesterday so Pete didn't fax in his mid-week report until after our Wednesday deadline. He said they were at a team BBQ and golf scramble. 

Here's what he's thinking after seeing the boys play a handful of games:

-Daniel Espino pitched a very solid inning.  He left the facilities in bubble wrap.

-Juan Brito is pounding the ball! 4 homers so far. might get traded.

- Keep your eye on Kahlil Watson.  I've put a 50 on him in Vegas to be the next superstar.

- When you're watching the box scores at home, don't forget that some guys are playing in the world baseball thing.

- Clete has been soliciting questionnaires in the stands on fan thoughts.  Says he'll have the results before we head home.

Editor's note: Pete and Clete Sweeney have been reporting from Arizona since the days of Hi Corbett Field.  The Indians and the Tucson Toros shared that facility and Clete (who wasn't as portly then) actually caught bullpen sessions for the Toros.  

We still remind him about the time he warmed up Len Barker in '77 and said, "I don't think that kid'll make it...."

Clete denies ever saying that...his 4th wife, Rosalita,  confirms it though.

Another Novel

   Remember when Porter Wagoner would refer to Dolly Parton as "a purty 'lil lady"?

   Well we have one that walks amongst us too.  She stands just 4' 5" but is a giant in the literary sphere.

   Goldie "Lil Bit" Dandridge has lived here most of her adult life.  And for most of her adult life, she has been churning out best-sellers at a prolific rate.

   Dandridge's latest, #43,  has been shipped and our senior book review editor here at the fresnOnion says he read it in just eight quick sittings.  

   Titled: A Season of Troubadours and Truants, Goldie says it is the first of a strategic trilogy.

   'Lil Bit will conduct her usual 'new release reading and book signing party' this Friday night at her downtown bistro: 'Lil Bit's Brasserie.

   For those who have never attended such an event, reservations and book orders are a must, proper attire is required (this means no cargo shorts, muscle shirts and crocs for men; ladies can wear whatever is comfortable), and the drink special is B2G2 - that's the minimum. 

   Ms. Dandridge tells us that Netflix, Apple TV, Amazon Prime, HBO and Paramount+ will be there to gauge audience reaction.  Each streaming service is in negotiations with her to create a limited series of A Season of Troubadours and Truants.

   The Hallmark Channel said they are staying as far away as they can from this one . Said they are protecting their "brand" and all.

   The meet, greet, drink & read begins at 7pm.

The Answering Machine

Everytime we get a good message on the answering machine here at the fresnOnion, we are reminded about the classic episode on the Red Green Show. (click here if you've never seen it.)

Well this morning, we had another message on our answering machine that must be shared.

She shall remain nameless, but everyone around these parts knows who this message is from:

"Hello.  I am just calling about something that I keep hearing on the news show.  What is all this concern about TICK TALK?  I mean is it similar to a Ted Talk? Or the birds and bees talk? Is it a new podcasting?

We should encourage TICK TALK.  These critters can be dangerous.  The neighbor got a thing called Lime Disease.  She turned green.  And dogs can get the Lime Disease too.

I'm glad the president is concerned about TICK TALK.  

Maybe you can do an article or have a town hall or something.  Or just ignore me like you usually do.  Nevermind."

Long Lines Beget.....

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom are constantly amazed by human nature.

Marybeth Ventrone who lives out on countyline ridge, called to say she had a "feel good" human interest story.  It should be noted that we heard her husband, Willie, muttering opposite sentiment in the background.

Marybeth said her daughter Viv was flying back from Houston where she had a job interview with the Astros baseball organization.

The line was very long at the airport "....because of this TSA thing...." and she struck up a conversation with the fella in front of her.  

She asked him what he was in his carry-on case and he said "guitar". 

"Well after some time had passed, the felt like they really were comfortable and lo and behold, he proposed!"

A Houston judge and his wife were in line behind the couple and he offered his services to perform the wedding ceremony right there in line at Hobby Airport.

The judge called his office, had his clerk deliver an expedited marriage license and a bottle of champagne.  The judge's wife was the witness, along with hundreds and hundreds of strangers.

The newlyweds then had their wedding dinner atLaTrelle's Tex-Mex Kitchen while the judge held their place in line.

According to Marybeth they sent a selfie and their new son-in-law is a musician "...who appears to need a good shave...." said Willie.

They expect them home sometime this weekend.

Word

The Otterbein College Vocabulary Restoration Club has another word for you:

Clinomania.

"This month's word describes that powerful urge to stay under the covers, even when you know you should get up," says Club faculty advisor Wilomena Levengood.

"It is not about being lazy so much as being deeply committed to comfort," according to her students.

The OC Vocab Club meets on occasion to discuss and reintroduce some word, or words, into our daily communications. 

Levengood said that she has used that word for years, first to describe her daughters, then to describe her granddaughters.  

"I thought everyone used that word often," she noted.

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom recognize that some might succumb to clinomania, but wish the interns started their day at 4:30 am like most of us.

A Good Get

We are not sure how they did it, but The Much Ado Lounge  up at the Tie-Dyed Lotus is advertising that Thelonius Newman has been booked for the Month of May.

The Tie-Dyed Lotus is the area's renowned 1.5 star resort in Baltic, and for them to get Thelonius to play even one night is quite a "get".

Newman has been up for many awards in his long career.

Downbeat Magazine  recently reviewed his performance at The Vibrato Grill in Los Angeles.

"The octogenarian knows where the keyboard is," said Downbeat.

"Newman looks his age," the writer continued. "His medley had a melody, this evening."

"He played until the manager suggested he stop," noted Downbeat.

Chef Milton's revamped menu will be available in The Much Ado, but because of limited waitstaff the patrons will have to pick up their own meal.

The Much Ado Lounge is located on the top floor of the resort and is open every Friday and Saturday from 4pm to 9:30pm.

Reservations are suggested.

For Your Bucket List

   Tonight you have the very rare opportunity of experiencing the boogie woogie of Matt Murphy!

   But to make this even better, Memphis Slim will be there on the keyboards. (we wanted to use another exclamation mark there, but thought it would be bad journalism.)

   This unannounced, unexpected, pop-up, last minute schedule changer is possible because the fine folks at the Miller's Dip Grange Hall  agreed to tape the Cleveland Indians -oops Guardians game on their vcr.

   The dancing starts at 8pm.  The doors will open at 6.  So when the milking is done and the milk house has been hosed down, get yourself cleaned up.

   The ladies of the church will serve vodka tonics and BBQ pork sandwiches.

   The performance will be taped and played back on the overpriced local cable channel 80-FZNO+.

   The entire staff here at the fresnOnion will be there because this is a once in a lifetime chance to witness Murphy's genius.

Wedding Planner

A new service has just started here in our little east central Ohio region, that of having your wedding planned.

Weddings By Hinton  will find the perfect location,  tattoo artist, catering company, dresses and tuxedos, dance band, photographer, and honeymoon destination (photographer not included).

"We'll meet just about every need of every wedding tradition in the world," declared Heloise Hinton . 

"I mean we are as full service as you can ever expect, from themed weddings to worldwide services.  We have familiarized the team with some pretty strange, to us, traditions," she said.

The Weddings By Hinton  advertising flyer gives some examples:

If you are from South Korea the groom's  friends tie his ankles together, lift his feet, and playfully strike the soles with sticks or dried fish while firing off trivia questions. It's about proving the groom’s resilience and quick wit under pressure.

For those from Scotland, the couple’s closest friends gather before the ceremony to stage the "blackening", a messy and mischievous ritual meant to test the pair’s endurance. The bride and groom are chased, caught, and covered in a vile mix of sticky leftovers, spoiled milk, fish guts, flour, and rotten eggs. Once properly coated, they’re paraded through town for everyone to admire. "We have concocted a 'blackening mess' that has been Scottish approved," noted Heloise.

And if you want a traditional Tidong wedding because you can't get home to Borneo, Heloise is there for you with the required tiny house.

Heloise explains: "The newlyweds spend their honeymoon locked in a small space for three full days and nights—not even bathroom breaks allowed! Family members monitor the couple to ensure the rules are observed. The couple is given just enough food and water to get by, but the challenge is mostly symbolic. It's a test of patience, trust, and teamwork."

Of course the weddings we are familiar with here in the states will be the most sought after:

"The ceremony where the bride walks down the aisle, meets the groom, turns sideways to reveal her 'baby bump', says "I do" and then honeymoon in the Dobson's Double Wide High Rise Bed and Breakfast located halfway up McKeester Hill," promised Heloise.

She says three of every 4 weekends this summer have already been booked.

All info on Wedding's By Hinton  can be found at: www.iguessido.rue

A New Month

Today is March 1st.  To some it means we have turned a corner on the winter, a terribly hard winter it was too.

To others it means that a year's planning this afternoon's exhibit at the Chili Convocation Center is all over but the eating.

March 1st is National Pig Day. AlsoNational Peanut Butter Lovers Day and today is Dadgum That's Good Day.

All three acknowledgments come together for every snack, meal, drink, appetizer, and dessert one can conjure up. Last year's Blue Ribbon winner was the "deep fried sow's ear in chilled peanut butter".

Doors open at 10 and will close at 4.

The ladies of the church will serve appropriate drinks when they get there after church lets out.

Antacids are complimentary.

First Controversy of 2026

Boy our colleagues and cousins over at the Foodandwine.com have really stepped in it.

One of our favorite websites recently published survey results naming the foods that represent each state.

And that very list has set off a firestorm of opinion that we here in the fresnOnion newsroom won't touch, except to say that Ohio is all about pizza.

You can read the soon to be award winning Nicolette Baker's story for yourself, but it did spark some conversation about foods that best represent our neck of the woods.

An informal poll amongst the interns and staff revealed that:

Fried bologna with pepperjack cheese, a slice of onion and honey mustard on a sesame seed bun was us.

A smashburger with pepperjack cheese, a slice of onion and honey mustard on a sesame seed bun was Licking County.

An Italian Sausage with pepperjack cheese, a slice of onion and honey mustard on a sesame seed bun was Tuscarawas County.

A thick slice of ham with pepperjack cheese, a slice of onion and honey mustard on a sesame seed bun was Muskingum County.

A thick slice of turkey breast with pepperjack cheese, a slice of onion and honey mustard on a sesame seed bun was Guernsey County.

And roast beef with pepperjack cheese, a slice of onion and honey mustard on a sesame seed bun was Holmes County.

We suspect Dennis, the large intern, filled out all of the survey cards.  Stay tuned.

Local Gov't News

There was quite a bit on last night's town council agenda.

The usual tirade about feral cats from old man Montgomery. 

"I just tilled the garden and already they think it's a litter box", he shouted.

The usual complaints about potholes, street lights, and loud boom boxes were also part of the 'constituents speak' portion of the meeting.

But the most unusual bit of news came when Gertrude "Gert" McGlumpf presented a petition to ban plastic sporks in a 10 mile radius of town.

In case you are not familiar, a spork is the combination spoon and fork, almost always plastic, and always breaks. 

"I have gone to my last steak fry and tried to consume a porterhouse with plastic cutlery, especially a SPORK!" said a red-faced Gert.

Councilmembers said they'd take her petition, signed by 900, under advisement and will give it full consideration at the next meeting.

When it was mentioned that there are titanium sporks, Gert sat down and said she didn't know that.

Car Meets Building

There's something going on, and we think we have the answer.

If you are one of the many that gets their news from multiple sources, not just reading the fresnOnion every day, then you have to be aware that there are a lot of vehicles crashing into buildings over in the capitol city.

Our close friends at Channel 4 Columbus , especially Stephanie Thompson, said that Police Sgt. James Fuqua  told them there had been 67 cars that crashed into buildings. And that was just for the first six months!

Cars and trucks have crashed into houses, business buildings, even one incident had two cars crashing at the same time.

Well, we here in the newsroom of the fresnOnion weren't satisfied with the story ending there.

Our veteran I-Team (that's investigating team for those that don't know news lingo) started to ask more questions.

And upon further digging they discovered that over 80% of the drivers who crashed into buildings were trained locally at Junior O'Meara's Driving School.

When asked to comment, Junior would only respond by answering a question with a question: "So whaddya doin' blaming me?"

"Uncle" Kicked

There was quite the activity last evening out at Uncle Bumiller's place.

One of our interns here at the fresnOnion was driving by Uncle's place on her way to the Burger Chef,  and noticed that every blue, red and amber light in the county was flashing.

So the upstart journalist thought, "this could be news," and stopped.

Seems that Bumiller's mule kicked him in the head.  Mrs. Bumiller found him wandering around in the side yard.

"He was about half out of it, muttering something about the Browns and Haslam and Berry...I don't know what all," she told authorities.

After the medics took him for observation, the neighbors started reminiscing about how Uncle got his nickname.

Cletus Bumiller grew up on a farm. He was taller than all the 9 year olds and much stronger from throwing around bales of hale and bags of sorghum.

Cletus would sneak up behind the smaller boys in his class and bend their arms behind their backs until they said "uncle".

By the age of 13 it was obvious that Cletus had finished growing and the other boys caught up and surpassed him in height and strength.

They returned the favor of making him say "uncle" until he just started blurting "uncle,uncle,uncle" when he saw them coming.

Thus Cletus became known as "Uncle" Bumiller.

And that's the rest of that story.

Because of HIPPA laws we can't give you an update on his condition this morning.

Golf News

The season ending Members Skins Game was conducted over the weekend at the posh Lake Lila Golf and Country Club.

The four leading shop-credit money winners from the past year qualify for this lucrative competition, sponsored by Ivan's Chicken Farms.

Chip Wedgley, Dub Drinkovitch, Cleek Shankowski and Hack Nanner were the four sandbagging qualifiers.  

The Skins Game is played at scratch (no handicap) which is fitting and made for some fun TV.

Local Cable Channel 80 FZNO documented the event for replay on New Year's Day.

The sold-out crowd of members all readily signed NDA's as the club received a hefty check from FZNO.

The fresnOnion newsroom has a corporate membership and we can tell you that bogeys tied a lot of holes.

Today In History

November 14th.  One of the most important dates in the history of The United States of America.

Everyone here in the fresnOnion newsroom - interns, research analysts, custodians, dieticians, therapists, everyone - treat this day with the utmost reverence.

It was on November 14th, 1888 that the first golf club was formed:  The St. Andrews Golf Club in Yonkers, NY.

What started as a 3 holer, expanded to 6 holes  and is America's oldest existing golf club.  The St. Andrews Club expanded to 18 holes when they moved to their current location. 

Local stand-outs on the links, Pete and Clete Sweeney have applied for memberships, but denied every time.

"I blame Clete's behaviour at the member-guest tournament," said Pete.

"I blame Pete for driving the cart into the creek at the  par three 16th," countered Clete.

The oldest golf club in Ohio is either the Cincinnati Country Club or the Cleveland Golf Club.  You debate.

The fresnOnion annual employee scramble is today at The Zoar Golf Club.   Paninis and beer at The Lockport Brewery afterwards.

 Our offices will reopen tomorrow at 4:30 am.

A Big Hug

Just in case you didn't realize it, our longtime friend, since 2025, Amy Monette at The National Day Calendar, reminds us that today is NATIONAL HUG A PLUMBER DAY!

Why? you ask, consider:

You flush the loo, the potty, the throne, the can, the water close, you know the toilet, and never think any more of it.

But a plumber set the commode, installed the pipes to the sewer and the pipes for the water feeding the tank.

If it doesn't flush, you call the plumber.

When you pull the plug on the kitchen sink, you never think any more of it.

But a plumber installed that sink and....well you get it.

Not sure when the profession started, but somewhere back in time, a wife decided to call the guy down the street "because he was good at clogs and my husband doesn't know which end of a wrench to hold.."

Hug your plumber today.

Local plumber, Gerald LaTrean says he's out of town today.

"Ever since that first year when I was accosted about fifteen times, I make myself unavailable," said Gerald.  "I don't do well with that sort of public display." 

Today!

We are not sure about where you live, but here it has been a long, hard winter.

But, today means that there is a light at the end of this frigid tunnel we've endured.  Today is the Final Friday  celebration at The Lake Lila Country Club.

Every year on the last Friday of February, The Lake Lila CC  hosts an open house with various activities.

There is a swap meet for members and guests to bring their golf clubs to sell or trade.  Just last year Betty McGrady finally sold her Patty Berg starter set.  (Don't tell her that Marvin Lillystein used them for tomato stakes).

Betty is the oldest (91) and most tenured (5) lady member of LLCC.  She was the first lady to pay her membership in 2021 when the club started to accept female applications.  

Everyone brought their clubs to the conference room last night to set up and we here in the fresnOnion newsroom can confirm that there are some fantastic deals.  We saw a left-handed 68 degree wedge for just $150!

The new General Manager, Rober Suenisia, will introduce his support staff.  Rober is also available to meet privately with prospective new members. 

Paige Spiranic will be on hand to schedule her junior golf program.  

Head Chef Morley Wafer will have finger foods all day.

Chief Mixologist, Suzi Mulroon, will mix.

But the most important part of the day is that members can book their tee times for the season and pick up the Head Pro Herman Kaiser IV's member event schedule. 

Doors open at 10 this morning.

Related?

The answer to that question asking headline is - Yes.

Alert reader TK asked a very good question after the story about the Hee Haw  reboot broke on Wednesday.

He noted that the new cast had our very own, and quite portly, Clete Sweeney cast as Jr. Samples, and Sydney Sweeney as one of the Hee Haw Honeys.

Are they related?  

Our overachieving intern, Buddy, sent some sort of 'direct message' to Sydney and she said "yes".  Her dad is a fourth cousin to Pete and Clete.

"You can call it nepotism, or whatnot, but we really pushed for her to get this role," said Pete.  "She needs a break.  We heard she was in Hollywood trying to be an actress, so maybe this will be the start of something good for her."

Sydney said her dad doesn't stay in touch with those "eastern Sweeneys" because they don't recognize backgammon as a worthy sporting competition.

Filming for the Hee Haw 2026 season begins in a couple of weeks.  There will be some local production too.  

Clete's bits as Jr. Samples selling cars will be videotaped at a car lot in Ragersville.

Wait, What?

   Sometimes in life, there are things that make you realize your age.

   During our roundtable monthly storyboarding session that is held the final Wednesday of every month here in the fresnOnion newsroom, a topic came up that made some of us pause.

   The interns and junior associate journos sit in the chairs against the walls, while the bosses sit at the big table.

    We were just about ready to adjourn when Sydney Sweeney, Pete's granddaughter, piped up about "performative dating". 

   It must have been the look on our faces that encouraged her to explain: sometimes guys wear glasses they don't need, wear clothes and shoes that are out of character, and carry the novel or magazine that are all designed to get them a lady's attention.

   "In fact your friends over at USA Today  wrote a whole story on the phenomenon," she offered.  "Guys also take up  hobbies just to make them look attractive."

   The middle aged women think we should devote some space to this topic, the men agreed to contemplate the possible story.

   One guy took his glasses off and covered up his copy of Vogue. 

On The Decline

The Hormuz Regional Visitor and Convention Bureau  is reporting a dramatic fall off of business.

Fatima al-Badri has been the director for over forty years and says the drop-off in tourism has been colossal.

"Oh yes, we are getting reports that wedding parties are cancelling or postponing; that once important meetings are doing 'the zoom'; and the vacation destinations are sparsely populated," said Fatima.

Layoffs are rampant and many hotels, restaurants and interesting tourist stops are closed.

One businessman, Omar Gupta, indicates he is hanging in there.  Gupta owns The Persian Gulf Paddleboat & Putt-Putt Company.  

"I am busy on Thursday and Friday late afternoons," says Omar.  "That is when the teenagers go on dates." 

"I am trying to get to the bottom of this alarming situation," al-Badri promised. "I am thinking that someone sent out a negative tweet or tik-tok or instagram. Something is going on that I am just not aware of."

The Sweeney Report

Spring Training is just about over and avid readers of the fresnOnion know that each year we send Pete and Clete (who's put on a little weight) Sweeney west to report on our Indians - oops, Guardians.

Here is Pete's latest missive:

Well the latest most recent news is about Logan Allen. He sure was distracted in his latest outing.  I'd lay a sawbuck on him starting the season in Columbus.

Remember the name: Juniker Caceras. He's 18 and already played two years of professional ball.

Remember the name #2:  Peyton Pallette. He's a pitcher and a real keeper; has a funny middle name (Minor).

Keep an eye on: Ralphy, Jace, Curley, Welbyn, Dauri and Alphonsin.

We've probably seen the last of Nolan Jones.

Clete got caught taking the motel towels to the golf course.  He had to do the motel's laundry one day to get back in good graces with Ms. Hanratti.

We did play in the Bernie Stowe Memorial Scramble this past week.  Stowe was the legendary Reds locker room manager.  Fans might recall the fight in '92 between Pinella and Dibble.  Bernie got a shiner trying to break it up.  

Clete says the best buffet out here is: No. 1 Buffet.

The Sweeneys will break camp and travel to Seattle for the season opener on Thursday. After that they will hightail it home to attend the home opener on April 3rd vs. the Cubs.

Lecture Tonight

   The small town, rotating, MAKING LIFE BETTER lecture series moves to Ragersville tonight.

   Regionally acclaimed writer, producer, and, podcaster and tv commentator Ruthie Jean Zachek will share some insights from her new best-seller: Proper Social Cynicism, a Guide to Acceptable Debate Tactics During These Polarized Times.

   A recent online literary critic noted that this book helps when the topic of gambling in sports starts to dominate the room.

   Ms. Zachek promises to share just enough to make you want to purchase her book immediately.

   She did say that there will be an autograph and selfie period after her lecture.  And that she will discount the price of $89.99 by 5% if you bring a can of dog food for the local pound.

   The doors at the Ragersville community room in the old cheese house will open at 6 with the lecture starting at 7.  (we know the OSU game is at 7:30).  

The ladies of the church will serve Gertrude Steinmetz' popular 'twisted tea recipe'. 

editor's note:  we, here in the fresnOnion newsroom, have received more than a few inquiries about 'the ladies of the church'.  And yes they are always looking for new members, yes they do sample their servings, and yes it is a for-profit enterprise. 

A Concerning Trend

The Associated Press reported recently about an act of vandalism that has many alarmed.

According to the AP, a North Carolina woman was driving along, minding her own business, probably singing a Neil Sedaka song when "....a bald eagle just dropped a cat on my windshield...."

In a show of real compassion, the 911 dispatcher asked if the cat was still alive.

We discussed the merits of reporting such a story here in the fresnOnion newsroom, and decided to follow up with local Constable Rollie F. Trupe.

He said, in a carefully worded, prepared statement:

"While I have never had a call like this, I am prepared to treat every constituent with the utmost respect and dignity.  I would never think them to be crazy, drunk or high.  I did check the national database and while this was the first report of a bald eagle committing vehicle vandalism this year, there were no such reports last year.

This is a 100%  increase and should be monitored.

So first it started with the deer jumping in front of our cars, now we have to worry about attacks from above," his statement concluded.

To our faithful, alert & intellectual readers, you decide - we just report.

Was this story worthy of your time? Poll (click here)

A Good Fit?

Almost everyone is familiar with the iconically historic Bogey Inn of Dublin, Ohio.

And everyone was dismayed when it closed a couple of years ago.

And everyone was overjoyed last year when our newest best friends at 614now.com  announced that it was going to be reopened with a major entertainment expansion.

And now everyone is saddened again when 614now.com revealed that those plans are off.

But maybe the sun will shine a little brighter here.

The rumor sourcing intern staff here at the fresnOnion has learned that  our local land management/appropriate use/zoning/tax incentive/economic development committee is considering the old Simpson Orchard as worthy for this project.

In Dublin, the plans were for the restaurant to reopen, an ice cream shop and a 36 hole putt-putt course.

Let us here at the fresnOnion to be the first to pledge our full faith, support and endorsement of this project.....depending on what kind of ice cream they serve.

A Big Win

When you are at the top, some say winning is easier.  Others feel that you are a target.

Strasburg State University  has just pulled off another admirable feat.

It was announced late Friday that Dr. Du Lee Noted will be joining the faculty on February 1st.

"When I saw that Dr. Noted had entered the transfer portal I jumped at the chance to sign him," said  Miguel Moynihan, the Dean of the S.S.U. Copyist Department.

"You can record it, you can type it, you can print it, but in certain circles unless a scribe has handwritten the topic onto certified parchment, then it is not official," said Moynihan.

Strasburg State  is the premier institution for educating and training scriveners and scribes.

"That's why their students are hired before graduating," said Dr. Noted.  "I am pleased that an employment package could be worked out." 

Mesopotamian Calligraphy by Dr. Du Lee Noted has been the profession's "bible" since it was first published in 1975.

Public records revealed that Dr. Noted will be paid $950,863.22 per annum, full family health benefits, publishing support, three assistant scriveners, a driver to and from the campus, free lunch, a membership to the Lake Lila Golf and Country Club and every Wednesday off to play in league.

Tricky

The day was the 17th of November.

The year was 1973.

The quote was, "I am not a crook."

It was on this day in history that President Richard Milhous Nixon told 400 Associated Press editors that he wasn't a crook and he'd earned everything he has.

The day was the 17th of November.

The year was 1974 - one year later.

Ms. Moyer's fifth grade ethics class at Fresno Elementary  observed the day with a "I'm Not A Crook" commemoration. 

The students wore Nixon masks, gave the two-finger "victory" or "peace" sign and wrote essays.

The essays finished the sentence, "I am not a crook, but if I were....." 

The top three essays were read at the end of the day to the entire school in a special assembly.

​And Ms. Moyer's class has done so every year since.

We here in the fresnOnion newsroom are keen to attend today's assembly and will report tomorrow on the three winners.